The term "gaslighting" can be overused and misunderstood, but that doesn't take away the fact that it is a harmful experience when it occurs."Gaslighting happens when a person tries to make someone else doubt their own sense of reality," says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., a neuropsychologist as well as the founder and Director of Comprehend the Mind. "They might deny things that happened, dismiss feelings or retell events in a way that causes confusion. When feelings are dismissed, the person on the receiving end starts to question whether their emotions are valid at all."Gaslighting hurts in any situation, but we often discuss it more in terms of intimate and parental relationships. But it can happen in the workplace too. Understanding what gaslighting an employee can sound like helps you protect yourself—and know when it's time to start applying for new jobs. Dr. Hafeez breaks down seven phrases that employers use to gaslight employees and what to do.Related: 175 Performance Review Phrases To Use When Talking About Strengths and Weaknesses
Why Gaslighting an Employee Is Harmful
These are common phrases used by a gaslighting boss to employees, a psychologist warns.
2. 'You must have misunderstood the assignment.'
Bosses who struggle with clear communication and accountability often use this phrase to gaslight employees. Also, frankly, it is an example of passive-aggressive behavior in the workplace."It blames the employee for confusion, even if the instructions were unclear," Dr. Hafeez says. "This creates doubt about their ability to follow directions."
4. 'That deadline was always today.'
Perhaps this is true in the gaslighting boss's head (generous interpretation). Or, maybe their higher-up wanted it sooner, and now they're throwing you under the bus. Or, perhaps they just got antsy and are just plain lying. Either way, pretending a deadline was always sooner when it definitely wasn't (you may even have email receipts that go ignored) is gaslighting."Changing expectations last minute and claiming they were always set creates pressure and self-doubt," Dr. Hafeez says. "It makes the employee feel careless for something they didn’t miss."Related: If You Have Imposter Syndrome, You Likely Live With These 9 ‘Unspoken Fears,’ a Psychologist Says
6. 'I didn’t say to do it that way.'
When used to gaslight an employee, this phrase is a total confidence-ruiner and an example of blame-shifting."This dismisses the effort put into the task and implies incompetence," Dr. Hafeez explains. "It also covers up unclear or shifting directions from the employer."
3 Tips for Dealing With a Gaslighting Boss
1. Stay calm and avoid reacting emotionally
This one is hard but important."Gaslighters often feed off emotional responses, so keeping your composure takes away some of their power," Dr. Hafeez says. "A calm tone shows you are confident in your perspective."
3. Find support outside of work
You spend so much time at work, and your frustrations are real. However, remember: work is not all you have."Talk with a friend or someone you trust who you work with who can validate your experiences and give perspective," Dr. Hafeez notes. "Having outside voices helps break the cycle of self-doubt that gaslighting creates." Up Next:
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