There are two categories of parentification: emotional and instrumental. When a parent turns to a child to receive emotional support or psychological support from them, this is emotional parentification. And when a parent turns to a child for support through tasks and responsibilities in the home (cooking, cleaning, keeping track of bills, childcare, etc.), that is instrumental parentification. Dr. Sage says that they “both can occur simultaneously, and often do, but they do not have to co-occur.”With emotional parentification, it’s already unfair because a parent is reversing their role with their child. However, Dr. Sage also notes just how unequal it is in practice. “Although the roles are reversed, implying a two-way or reciprocal relationship, these are one-way relationships in which a child's role is to serve the parent's needs, emotions or demands,” she says.Parentification isn’t a case of just having kids help out around the house or do their chores, even if they’re old enough to do those things. In these environments, children are “expected and made to feel primarily responsible for these tasks, much the same way we would expect an adult to do,” she explains.Dr. Sage does note that, unfortunately, there are “impossible situations in life” where kids are thrown into positions like this and “needed earlier than they should be.” This can be in the case of divorce, mental health issues or crises, chronic illnesses or diseases, socioeconomic challenges, traumatic, life-changing events and more things that are unavoidable “because life is not perfect, nor is any childhood.”“It's important to validate these issues because most caring and loving parents feel guilty for ‘not getting it right,’ and in many cases, their need to rely on their children was unintentional, hard to avoid, etc.,” she explains.Parentification is still a form of emotional abuse, though, she points out, and “even with good reason,” they are “still forms of abuse” that “can cause significant harm for many children.”“While increased skills, like being more independent or resilient, can also provide some strengths for kids, it's important to remember that these skills were often forged in variously stressful and often traumatic environments and experiences,” she shares.Related: 16 Phrases Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to an Oldest Daughter
13 Traits People Parentified as Children Often Have as Adults, According to a Psychologist and Trauma Therapist
You’ll see this theme come up a lot with these different traits, but kids who were forced to constantly seek approval through the tasks they were given grow up to need that approval in any way they can get it when they grow up. This can show up as people-pleasing, which ultimately doesn’t satisfy that person because they’re always doing things for others, and they’re not listening to their own desires.“Adults who were parentified often can't stop people-pleasing because they learned their worth came from being helpful, so saying no feels dangerous,” Auer tells Parade. This people-pleasing nature, or fawning response, shows up as caring deeply about other people’s emotions and wants. They have to please someone else to avoid conflict and be seen as useful, and that’s all that matters. “Most feel responsible for everyone's emotions and think they can and should fix everyone's problems,” she says. Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as 'People-Pleasers' Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Neglect their needs
Branching off of that, when parentified children grow up, they’re always taking the role of caretaker. Whether that’s in relationships, at work, with friends or with family, they are often taking burdens on for other people to make their lives easier while bearing that weight themselves.“Our caregivers' big emotions, needs and demands spilled over too much and too often into our world,” Dr. Sage tells Parade. “And we learned that taking care of their needs and big feelings was a way to reduce stress and uncertainty; this reduces our anxiety as well and creates a loop where taking care of others helps us avoid and neglect our own deep wounds and lack of being seen by our parents—so we continue to stay stuck in cycles which re-enact these very familiar patterns.”Auer agrees and says that this can look like different things as adults, from actually caring and doing things for others, or just always being on the lookout for the next time they can be helpful.“They tend to be constantly watching everyone else, scanning for what others need or how they're feeling,” she says.As you can imagine, this not only puts undue stress on the parentified child-turned-adult, but it also really impacts who they have around them. This can lead to unhealthy relationships and friendships. “They're often drawn to people who need fixing, attracted to relationships where they can be the rescuer,” she explains.Related: 7 Behaviors That People-Pleasers Don’t Even Realize They’re Doing, a Psychotherapist Warns
4. Oblivious to their own needs
As you can probably imagine, if you’re always worrying about others and never yourself, you don’t have great boundaries. And that goes well beyond wants and needs. “We don't know what [boundaries] are because ours were ignored, and we don't want to risk conflict or displeasing others if we ask for a boundary to be set or for what we need, so we take the hit ourselves, avoid, endure, etc.,” Dr. Sage explains. She goes on to say that while any boundaries parentified kids might have instinctively tried to establish in childhood weren’t respected, they also weren’t taught how to do so in general. They didn’t have anyone modeling “healthy adult-child appropriate boundaries.” This leads to a lifelong struggle with establishing boundaries because they don’t like they’re “entitled” to them, whether that’s surrounding their bodies, who they are, their expected roles in relationships or more.
6. Disconnected from personal identity and feelings
Just like how boundaries feel foreign and wrong for these adults, seeking help also feels like an unfair thing to do.“Getting support often feels wrong or ‘selfish,’ so they can't ask for help,” Auer says. Dr. Sage agrees and says that they’ve normalized self-sacrifice as an adult because that’s what they had to do as a kid to take care of everything handed to them. They’re so used to being “overly empathetic toward others,” and they’ve developed an “outside-in orientation,” which she mentioned before. This makes them “overly focus on what [others] feel” and what they need. “Caretaking a parent's emotions is a one-way road of empathy when the boundaries and roles are reversed,” she says.
8. Hyper-independent
On that note, Auer says that adults who were parentified are often perfectionists as well. As kids, they gained praise for a job well done, so they need to achieve that level of success every time they do something.“Perfectionism and overachieving are common because they learned love depended on being ‘good enough,’” she tells Parade. Related: The Biggest Obstacle To Repairing a Parent and Adult-Child Relationship, Psychologist Says
10. Judgemental
If this all sounds extremely exhausting to you, it absolutely is. And that’s why Dr. Sage says that a lot of these adults experience chronic fatigue. Even if all of your people-pleasing perfectionism is emotional, that takes a toll on your overall mental fortitude, which can deplete you physically too. “A life defined by being in constant servitude is inherently draining,” Dr. Sage shares. “We are at risk for developing autoimmune disease, chronic illness, fibromyalgia, cancer, diabetes, IBS, etc.”Even in childhood, a parentified kid “might also be more likely to feel exhausted mentally and physically, and emotionally drained,” she says. Because of this (and just the responsibilities they have in general), they might not be able to attend age-appropriate events. Whether it was at school or with friends, they might have missed out on special occasions because they had to babysit or take care of a parent going through a meltdown or dealing with extreme loneliness.
12. Continuing the cycle
13. Difficulty expressing feelings, especially anger
Considering these traits of adults who experience parentification as kids include a lot of denial of needs and sacrificing oneself for the comfort of others, it’s no surprise that one more trait is having difficulty expressing oneself. Particularly, trouble expressing anger.“[This] can look like we are unable to advocate for ourselves at work, home, friendships, relationships, etc.,” Dr. Sage says. “Since we've learned to please and caretake others, we often also avoid conflict by being agreeable, not advocating for ourselves, etc. So any signs of conflict can feel unsafe and dangerous.”Avoiding this kind of conflict while also pushing down your own frustration, fear, anger and more can be the perfect storm for an emotional outburst. So these adults might take their anger out on someone else or misdirect blame and frustration they feel at themselves onto a partner. They weren’t taught how to regulate emotions either, so this can easily be a breakdown waiting to happen.
Related: People Who Were Raised by Helicopter Parents Often Develop These 9 Traits as Adults, a Psychologist Says
Sources:
Kim Sage, PsyD, MA, is a licensed clinical psychologist in California and has a large social media following. Through her TikTok (590k+ followers), Instagram (79k followers) and YouTube (332k subscribers), Dr. Sage makes content about parents with emotional immaturity, narcissistic and borderline personality disorders, autism in women and more. She also has four courses (one is free) available that revolve around identifying your childhood trauma and learning how to heal from it.Lauren Auer, LCPC, is a trauma therapist and founder of Steadfast Counseling. You can find her on TikTok as @yourtraumatherapist and on Instagram as @yourtraumatherapist_.Hence then, the article about people who were parentified as children often develop these 13 traits as adults was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
Read More Details
Finally We wish PressBee provided you with enough information of ( People Who Were Parentified as Children Often Develop These 13 Traits as Adults )
Also on site :