What Is Monkey Branching?
“Monkey-barring (also called monkey-branching) is the practice of cultivating a new romantic relationship while still in a committed one, only letting go of the current partner after the next one is secured,” Dr. Kathy McMahon, Psy.D—a clinical psychologist, sex therapist, Certified Gottman Method Therapist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc—tells Parade. “The image is playground bars: you don’t release one hand until the next is firmly gripped.”She explains that this behavior is about “fear and convenience.” The person doing it fears being alone and “losing identity without a partner.” They also want the convenience of a “soft landing” in a new relationship as opposed to a messy and uncomfortable “clean breakup” before finding a new partner. And even if “monkey-branching” is a newer term, it’s a well-known behavior in relationships.“There isn’t a universal name, though therapists have long recognized the pattern,” she explains. “In earlier decades, we might have described it as an 'exit affair,’ ‘emotional affair’ or simply ‘being a jerk.’ What’s new is the catchy metaphor and the viral reach it’s had online.”Dr. McGeehan, who is also the host of The Aligned Powerhouse podcast, agrees, saying that people who swing from one relationship to another do so because they can’t “tolerate the discomfort of being alone.” She also says that monkey branching “usually signals unprocessed attachment wounds and difficulty with emotional regulation.” “It can point to someone who equates relationship status with safety or identity, and who may feel deeply uncomfortable confronting internal pain without external validation,” she explains further. “It doesn’t always mean they’re manipulative, but it does often mean they’re disconnected from their own emotional truth. And if the behavior persists, it also signals this person is not interested in building healthy relationships.”Dr. McMahon explains that once a person starts a new relationship (while still in their current one), they start to genuinely prefer that “safety net.” Then the “backup bar” becomes the “exit ramp,” and this is where monkey-barring dips into the territory of an “exit affair."“The relationship that began as an emotional crutch suddenly looks like the better option, and the monkey-barrer uses it to justify leaving,” she says. Related: 100 Cheating Quotes To Help You Start the Healing Process
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Do Monkey Branchers Feel Guilt?
First, in order to figure out if monkey branchers feel guilty when they do this, it's good to understand if this is an accident or something done subconsciously. Dr. McGeehan says that it “absolutely” can be an accident and that it is “often unconscious, especially when it stems from early attachment trauma.” “If someone learned that love and security were conditional, they might reach for connection the moment they sense abandonment, even if they haven’t consciously processed the end of their current relationship,” she says. “It’s a nervous system survival pattern, not always a calculated choice.”Dr. McMahon agrees to an extent, saying that “parts of it may feel subconscious,” such as trying to convince themselves that it’s “just a friendship” or that they’re “just exploring.” However, it takes intention to start a new relationship. “Building a new romantic bond while concealing it from your partner isn’t an accident,” she explains. “It requires daily acts of choice and concealment.”So on that note, do monkey barrers feel guilt? “Many do, but the guilt is complicated,” Dr. McMahon says. “Some minimize it (‘nothing physical happened’), some justify it (‘the relationship was already over’) and some feel ashamed but keep going anyway. The important distinction is whether guilt leads to accountability—or just rationalization.”Related: If You Answer ‘Yes’ to Any of These 5 Questions, You Could Be in a Manipulative Relationship, Says a Psychologist
Depending on what your definition of cheating is, some people would put monkey-branching in the realm of emotional cheating. Whether you do or not, one sign that someone is swinging from one relationship to another is that they become very “close” with someone new.“This new connection may be presented as platonic or professional, but there’s an intensity or secrecy that signals emotional investment,” Dr. McGeehan says. “They’re usually talking about them often.”Dr. McMahon agrees, saying that new “friendships” can be a subtle sign of this behavior. “One person suddenly takes up a lot of emotional energy and conversation,” she shares.Again, someone who’s going to monkey-bar to a new relationship has one foot out the door, either seeking or desiring a connection with someone new. So once they find that person, it might be obvious from how intimate or familiar they get with them.
2. There’s sudden secrecy on their end
Something that is almost always a direct result of a partner doing #1 and #2, they’re going to withdraw eventually, right before they finally cut things off. They’re getting their emotional fix from their new relationship, so they don’t feel the need to participate in that way in the relationship they’re still in.“They’re less available, less affectionate or start ‘checking out’ of deeper conversations, even if they haven’t left the relationship yet,” Dr. McGeehan explains. “This can make their partner feel crazy because when pushed on being withdrawn, usually this person will say everything is fine.”Dr. McMahon agrees, saying “emotional distance” while being physically in the first relationship can be a sign that they’re monkey-branching. She also points out that “conflict avoidance” becomes an M.O. for them as they drift away, since there’s no need to fight or engage if “they’ve already checked out.” Additionally, she says that emotionally distancing oneself can show up simply as them not talking about the future anymore. “Future talk fades," she shares. "They stop making long-term plans with you.” That's because, to them, they’re already done with the partnership.
4. They have a new schedule all of a sudden
Once the monkey-barrer breaks up with their first partner, they might frame it as something that was bound to happen because of all of the problems they had. But, for the partner left behind, no problems were ever brought up to them to fix.“Partners often say, ‘They’d been unhappy for a long time, but never told me,’” Dr. McGeehan says. “The narrative feels rehearsed, as if the decision was made long ago. It can be helpful to ask someone, ‘What did they say when you told them you were dissatisfied with ___’ as a way to check in and see whether they communicated their issues with their partner.”
6. There’s a fast-forward into a new relationship within days or weeks
Oftentimes, breakups create a grieving process where you’re mourning the relationship that was just ended. But for someone monkey-branching into a new partnership, they don’t really mourn the previous one, at least not outwardly.“Rather than sitting with the pain of separation, they distract themselves with romance, newness or performance, appearing unbothered,” Dr. McGeehan explains. “They usually answer, ‘I don’t know, I just got over it,’ when asked about their process.”
8. Their social media or public image shifts overnight
When it comes to how a monkey-brancher reflects on their old relationship, Dr. McGeehan says that they might focus on phrases that sound positive on the surface, like “I outgrew the relationship” or “I just needed something more aligned.” But they’re just using this language “to bypass accountability.” “This can be so common with a lot of this language being pushed on social media right now,” she points out, which might help disguise why they’re really saying these things. “Healthy adults communicate their needs in relationships and communicate when they’re dissatisfied with a current relationship.”
10. They also gaslight when confronted about the relationship
11. They show a pattern of never being single
As we mentioned up top, if someone seems like they’re never single, it could be a sign that they frequently monkey-bar.“If this is their third or fourth quick transition, it’s a sign that they struggle to be alone, not that they’re just ‘lucky in love,’” Dr. McGeehan explains. While this might be something you gossip about with friends if it doesn’t involve you, there are ways to actually scope out a monkey-barrer on first dates.“This would be a great question to ask someone if you’re dating and talking about romantic history,” she suggests. “Not only ‘How many other relationships have you been in?’ but also asking, ‘How did you take time to heal and grieve each relationship before moving on?’”
Do Monkey Branching Relationships Last?
If this sounds like something you do or have done, there are ways to stop the behavior so you can stop harming others and yourself. “The first step is getting honest about your fear of separation and emotions in general,” Dr. McGeehan points out. “What emotional discomfort are you avoiding by swinging into something new?”She says that, from there, you can find ways to “build tolerance for solitude and work on healthy emotional regulation skills.”“That doesn’t mean isolation; it means learning how to meet your emotional needs without outsourcing them to the next partner,” she explains. “Therapy, somatic work and nervous system regulation can help you access the safety you’ve been seeking within, instead of searching for it through relationships.”While romantic partners can be great supporters, you don’t want to rely on another person to fill your emotional cup, so to speak. Once you learn how to regulate on your own and validate yourself from within, you won’t seek that from outside sources and become dependent on needing a relationship for that, leading to monkey-barring.“The goal isn’t to never desire connection, it’s to choose it from wholeness rather than avoidance so you can bring a healthier version of yourself to the next relationship,” she explains further.Dr. McMahon says that in her opinion, the first step is recognizing that this behavior is due to a “character issue, not just a coping issue.”“Therapy can help, but so can courage,” she says. She then shares that a monkey-barrer needs to learn how to:
End one relationship cleanly before beginning another.Learn to tolerate the discomfort of being single.Choose honesty even when it’s frightening.Related: People Who Have These 9 Common Traits Are More Likely To Cheat in Relationships, Psychologist Says
Sources:
Dr. Brittany McGeehan is a licensed psychologist and high-performance coach. She’s also the host of The Aligned Powerhouse podcast, and she’s known for “helping ambitious women build self-trust, leadership clarity and intimacy without self-abandonment.”Dr. Kathy McMahon, Psy.D, is a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc. She’s also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist.Hence then, the article about 11 subtle signs you re monkey branching in your relationship psychologists warn was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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