Honestly? Most people who have cared for a child say this phrase at least once in their lives. One psychologist gets it—it's hard to see kids be upset."However, what we are actually saying when we tell our children 'don’t cry' is to shut down their emotions, that we cannot handle their tears," shares Dr. Ellie Hambly, a UK-based, HCPC-registered clinical psychologist who specializes in child well-being and parenting. "This can then turn into shame about crying...and attempts to suppress our emotions further down the line."Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. They assure children, 'It's OK'
Gentle parenting has become a buzzy term on social media, but it's often misunderstood."Parents want to be endlessly patient," notes Dr. Robyn Koslowitz, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based child psychologist and author of Post-Traumatic Parenting: Break the Cycle, Become the Parent You Always Wanted to Be. "They want to explain, reframe and validate. They think if they just explain everything, manage the day and cajole a child into saying 'yes' by gamifying a task, the child will always handle each situation well. Sometimes, kids are going to melt down."Yes, even if you followed the gentle parenting TikTok influencer's step-by-step advice to a T when you reframed "eating broccoli" as "playing dinosaur." Dr. Koslowitz warns that some of the advice out there is setting parents up for failure with unrealistic expectations that all meltdowns are avoidable."Those parents try again and again, and then, they explode," Dr. Koslowitz says. "The child experiences this as unpredictability. I’d much rather see a parent calmly set a boundary and follow through than perform calmness until they boil over. Boundaries can be firm and kind at the same time."Related: 2 ‘Gentle Parenting’ Traps a Developmental Psychologist Is Calling Out
4. Punishing the protest instead of understanding the need
Remember, kids are kids, not mini-adults."It can be easy for a parent to forget that their view of the world took years to develop, including life lessons, thanks to cultural or generational events and resources available during that time," says Dr. Daniel Huy, Psy.D,a clinical psychologist at Hackensack University Medical Center's department of psychiatry and behavioral health services. "A child’s ability to problem-solve or work through a social issue might look very different now, and parents will need to slow down and view the world through the child’s eyes."Related: People With Unresolved Childhood Trauma Often Develop These 15 Traits as Adults, a Psychologist Says
6. Minimize the importance of self-care
Remember what we said about margin? Even though we've rethought hustle culture in the working world, it's still alive and well when it comes to signing kids up for sports. "Gone are the days of playing one sport and being on one team per season, perhaps sprinkled in with a year-round activity such as a music lesson," Dr. McCarthy says.Again, parents have the best of intentions here as they try to help kids find their thing and bolster college prospects, but there are pitfalls."Not only do children and families feel the stress of a packed schedule, but children are missing out on opportunities for learning how to be bored and how to channel creativity through free time," she warns.
8. Posting everything on social media
It's hard to watch a child fail, just as it's hard to watch them cry (and they may cry if they fail!). However, failure is a part of life."Not everything needs to be a spectacular victory, and the path to meaningful achievement does not always need to be great, amazing or perfect," Dr. Huy explains. "Setbacks are healthy, and when navigated with support, they can help develop resilience, critical thinking and emotional regulation."Related: 10 Things Every Kid Needs To Hear From Their Parents and Grandparents, Child Psychologists Say
What To Do if You've Made a Mistake as a Parent or Grandparent
1. Get feedback
Repeat after Dr. Huy: "We are all human, and we all make mistakes.""Parents may self-impose an expectation that they know it all," he says. "Especially for children, their emotional distress or disappointment may elicit thoughts of ineffectiveness when they are not able to 'hold it together' like their parents. Admitting mistakes can provide a chance for children to watch parents problem-solve and cope with the consequences, and the lesson can be long-lasting for children as they age."Related: 9 Common 'Grit Gaslighting' Phrases—and What To Say Instead
3. Reconnect and repair
Up Next:
Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Asking These 10 Questions
Sources:
Dr. Jessica McCarthy, Psy.D., the founder and clinical director at Elements Psychological Services, LLCDr. Ellie Hambly, a UK-based, HCPC-registered clinical psychologist who specializes in child well-being and parentingDr. Robyn Koslowitz, Ph.D., a New Jersey-based child psychologist and author of Post-Traumatic Parenting: Break the Cycle, Become the Parent You Always Wanted to BeDr. Daniel Huy, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist at Hackensack University Medical Center's department of psychiatry and behavioral health services Read More Details
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