At the same time, terror filled my stomach with the realisation that I cried in the office at work. I started worrying about the implications it could have for me going forward, and the way I would be viewed as a woman.
I’ve previously explained my reasons why, and that I come from a forces family. I wear a poppy in my private life, I donate to the Royal British Legion, and I think their work is incredible. But on screen, I don’t want to give one charity precedence over another.
I brushed it off at first, but over the weekend it multiplied again, so I chose to stop opening Twitter. But then friends and other viewers started to notice what was happening, and were so shocked by what they were reading that they started to check in.
This was the early days of Twitter abuse, so broadcasters didn’t quite know how to handle it. Contacts encouraged me to write a statement, which very kind lawyer and PR friends helped me to draft. But, at first, I wasn’t allowed to post it. In my managing editor Robin’s office that Tuesday, he relayed that news, plus a message from the higher-ups that I was to ignore the racist abuse, and that it would blow over.
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Despite everything that had happened, I was terrified about how the tears would make me look. I didn’t want one moment of what I thought of then as weakness to shatter the career I was building.
Robin, though naturally shocked by my tears, sat with me as I cried, and calmed me down. That moment was a turning point in what had been an awful few days. He and my then boss, Geoff, made the decision to post my statement irrespective of what they’d been instructed, and the whole saga turned a corner.
However, now that I work in a fairly equal estrogen-testosterone environment, it’s amazing how many of us stress less about the minutiae of tears. Because, shocker, it’s not a reflection of how good women are at our jobs. And I’m here for it.
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