Dear Eric:
I’m close friends with one of my sisters-in-law but not the other, Betty. Betty and I used to be close until jealousy came between us. She was jealous that her brother and I were the first to get married, have kids and reach other milestones. She is also very sensitive, so I’ve felt like I need to walk on eggshells, especially after she confided to my husband that she thinks I complain too much. In short, I don’t feel like I can share my joys or my struggles with her.
I am cordial toward her, but I do not make an effort beyond being polite and kind.
I’ve been going through an intense period of stress and burnout for almost two years. A few months ago, I had a mental breakdown. Since then, Betty has made several attempts at rekindling our former friendship. I haven’t reciprocated. Mentally and emotionally, I am still very burned out and I don’t have the emotional energy to restore a complicated friendship.
Based on previous patterns of behavior, I know that it’s just a matter of time before my husband is told either by Betty or their parents that she’s hurt that I’m not reciprocating. I know I will be asked why and feel pressured to make more of an effort. How do I set a boundary and explain that I’m not interested in restoring this relationship right now, without further complicating the situation?
– Not Ready to Make Nice
Dear Not Ready:
Being proactive will really help you and Betty here. Reach out to Betty first and tell her that you’ve noticed (and perhaps appreciate) her desire to rekindle a friendship and you want to acknowledge that. Then let her know that you’re still in a tough place and that you just don’t have a lot of capacity.
This is a little more “it’s not you, it’s me” than I’d like, but what seems most important is that you right-size Betty’s expectations before this becomes a family issue. Acknowledging her efforts keeps her feelings from getting hurt, and being honest about what you can and can’t offer right now saves you from having to reject her outright. It also gives her useful information that will, ideally, help her be a better friend. Hopefully, she’s self-aware enough to be able to hear what you’re asking for. Sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is give us space and the most loving thing we can do is ask for it.
Dear Eric:
Regarding your response to “What to Say”, who didn’t know how to address a friend’s Ozempic weight loss: A couple of years ago, I lost about 60 pounds by sticking to a very strict diet (something I will never do again, it was that unpleasant and detrimental to my quality of life). I was astounded when nobody appeared to notice. Well, at least they didn’t say that they noticed. So, after all that I suffered for that result, I was actually kind of hurt. A “You look great” comment would have been much more than enough, and much better than nothing at all.
Now, after gaining all that weight back due to not being able to continually and severely restrict my diet, I am using semaglutide. If and when it is as successful, I hope that somebody notices and mentions it in one way or the other. I don’t know too many people who would be offended by a “You look great” comment.
– Looking Great
Dear Great:
The issue isn’t so much offense, per se, so much as making a statement that isn’t received as a compliment. While some might receive such a comment in the spirit given, others might not want friends or strangers commenting on their bodies, or they might have complicated feelings about their journeys, or they might have lost weight unwillingly, as through illness. I gave the advice I did not to have everyone walking around on eggshells, but to remind folks that we don’t always know what’s going on in people’s lives or minds.
This is also true in your case – you wanted a compliment, and you didn’t receive one and those around you didn’t sense that. Sometimes, I find that a desire to be complimented is wrapped up in a desire to be more authentic with those around us. Do you, perhaps, have an opportunity to share your pride at your accomplishment with a friend or loved one? Or even share the good parts and the frustrating aspects of the journey you’re on? It’s not bragging to say, “I’m doing this thing for me and I’m really happy with it.” And doing so extends an invitation for others to celebrate with you in the way that you want to be celebrated.
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(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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