Almost two-thirds of UK pet owners say they celebrate their animal’s birth or adoption day, according to Moonpig, spending more than £120 on average in the process. Our love for our pets has never been written so clearly.
That’s not to say the average hound won’t be delighted by a new gizmo or a special edible treat. Other “gifts” on the market, though, are so unlikely to register on their radar as to be genuinely laughable. Do you think your aloof cat is impressed by a cushion with her face on it? Your guinea pig, by a custom portrait of him in fancy dress? Your charming mutt, brought closer to self-actualisation by revelations about their heritage courtesy of a Dog DNA kit?
From cultural clichés about man’s best friend to ancient Egyptian cat deities, we’ve been projecting our own narratives onto oblivious domestic animals for millennia. They hang around because wrapped in that madness comes free food and ear scratches.
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People are full of awful, violent impulses – just look at the state of the world – but our drive to shower something furry with love is one of our redeeming features. Who cares if they understand why so much of it is coming their way on one arbitrary day per year?
Quite apart from being cynical, mutual reward is essential. Without it, no one would ever submit to months of attending to a screaming infant, who doesn’t so much thank as vomit on you, let alone the ensuing decades of trying to shepherd them into being a functional adult in their own right. Nor would they suffer the prolonged indignity of owning a cat, trying to coax it to come anywhere near you while it studiously ignores your most fevered entreaties. But as it is, babies and cats survive, and adult humans feel warm and fuzzy – everyone wins.
While some of the more demented birthday gifts are surely a step too far (pet-faced coasters, anyone?), and no dog wants to wear a party hat, I’d say it’s largely for the better. Your dopey dog doesn’t have a clue what a birthday is, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t adore you, or lap up the attention you’re bestowing on him in the name of celebrating it.
Just remember, before you award yourself Owner of the Year, that you’re benefiting too. Frankly, when it comes to how dapper he looks in his little uniform in that portrait above the fireplace, you’re the only beneficiary.
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