“We want to hear that our partners would marry us again and again,” Dr. Bridbord says, which is why this is so painful for your partner to hear. “It is a statement that undermines the covenant that was created when you committed to the partnership,” she explains, “and creates deep resentment and feelings of insecurity” that can be incredibly challenging to repair.
2. “You…”, “You always…”, “You never…”
“This is one that is very hard for people to overcome, even if it was not something that was intended,” says Dr. Bridbord, which is why it can be such a damaging thing to say. “We human beings have a very difficult time being told that we are unattractive and then believing that our partner didn’t mean it. It can really stop sex in its tracks for long periods of time,” she explains, “and it is a hard one to repair.”
4. “You are such a slob.”
“This is another statement where the language looks correct, but the tone and the nonverbal communication makes the person asking the question to come off as superior or disgusted,” Dr. McNulty says. “If the question is asked with an honest, open, curious tone, it is fine because the person asking is really trying to understand. If it is asked with contempt, the person asking is expressing disgust and/or superiority, and most likely does not want to know the answer."Related: 7 Things a Narcissist Always Does at the End of a Relationship, According to Psychologists
6. “Here you go again! You always ruin every dinner out!”
“One partner typically says this to the other when they cannot believe what their partner wants, needs or believes,” Dr. McNulty says. But “this statement is contemptuous: The tone is very negative and indicates a sense of superiority or disgust. The partner uses the correct language to convey a sense of interest, but in a sarcastic, incredulous manner.” This doesn’t work, he explains, because “The other partner immediately feels defense.” That’s, in part, why “Dr. John Gottman says that each time we use contempt with our partners, it is like ‘pouring acid on love,’” he says.Related: How to Show Your Partner You're Grateful for Them, Using Their Preferred Love Language
8. “Why can’t you be more like her/him?”
Placing the problem within your partner is an especially damaging form of criticism, says Shippey, that can breed insecurity or disdain in your partner. “Instead, complain without blame,” he suggests, by saying something like, “I was surprised to see you ate all the leftovers. Please check with me before doing that again.”Related: 'I’m a Psychologist—Here’s the #1 Reason You Might Need Marriage Counseling'
10. “I feel you…”
“Avoid using information that your partner shared with you about other conflicts in their lives against them when you argue,” cautions Dr. Bridbord. “A surefire way to damage the trust between you is by using your knowledge of some vulnerability that they have against them when you are in conflict. This is siding with the enemy and you will become part of the enemy."
12. “Oh yeah? What about you?!”
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Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists
Sources:
Jonathan Shippey, LMFT, Certified Gottman Therapist and Master Trainer in Louisville, KY, specializing in intensive couples therapy and workshops for military familiesMike McNulty, Ph. D., Certified Gottman Therapist and Master Trainer with the Chicago Relationship CenterKaren Bridbord, Ph. D., Certified Gottman Therapist, clinical psychologist and organization consultantHence then, the article about 12 things you should never ever say to your partner according to gottman trained therapists was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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