Setting a boundary or communicating with a high-conflict person can be hard enough, let alone when they constantly shift the blame to you. They might claim you’re in the wrong. They might insinuate they haven’t done anything wrong or never could. They don’t take responsibility for their actions. It’s incredibly frustrating.
To make matters worse, no matter what you say (and how perfect and sensible it sounds in your head), it doesn’t seem to make a difference. They refuse to take accountability, and you’re stuck in a cyclical argument that goes nowhere. Is the situation hopeless? What can you do?
If this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with someone who shifts blame. Other signs of a blame-shifter include saying phrases like “See, this is why we can’t talk,” bringing up your past mistakes, minimizing what happened, blaming third parties and you apologizing for their mistakes.
If you’re wondering how to respond to blame-shifting, what to say when you experience it or phrases to shut down blame-shifters, you’re not alone or without hope. Blame-shifting in relationships, or dealing with a defensive partner, is perhaps more common than you’d think. A psychologist is here to share answers and help you navigate these situations with more peace.
Related: Psychologist Says the 1 Phrase That Instantly Shuts Down a Manipulator Isn’t What You Might Think
The 5-Word Phrase To Shut Down Blame-Shifting
There are many ways to shut down blame-shifting, and we’ll share more of those later. But Dr. Jenny Martin, PsyD—a clinical psychologist and founder of Gemstone Wellness—says her favorite responsive phrase is this: “That’s not mine to own.”
While it may be surprising or hard to accept, she finds that “the less explanation, the better” (this is explained more below).
Remember: While the blame-shifter wants you to take the blame for their mistake, you don’t need to.
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The Psychology of a ‘Blame-Shifter’: Why They Deflect
Why do people shift blame? While it’s complex, Dr. Martin says, there’s one key feature: the tendency to struggle with insecurity or self-worth.
“Without a strong sense of self, we more easily become defensive when we feel confronted with something we need to take accountability for,” she explains. “Blame-shifters often defect to avoid feeling anxiety and shame.”
They focus more on feeling attacked and judged than reflecting on how they could improve or repair the situation. They want to regain the “upper hand,” so they put the other person on the defensive.
“This allows for a sense of control and dominance that also corresponds with this personality type,” the psychologist adds.
Related: The ‘Victim Complex’ Red Flag: Why a Partner Who Blames All Their Exes Is a Major Warning Sign
How To Avoid the ‘DARVO’ Trap
One concept that can come into play here is DARVO psychology. “DARVO” is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s when the offender denies wrongdoing, attacks the accuser and claims to be the “true” victim. It’s a ploy used by high-level gaslighters and a blame tactic that people can use without realizing.
The most critical step in avoiding this, according to Dr. Martin, is recognizing when it’s happening.
“This is hard to do, but once the pattern is recognized, it becomes far easier to break,” she explains. “Once you recognize denial, attacking and reversal, it becomes important to immediately disengage.”
Rather than justifying or explaining yourself, she recommends stating something like, “I won’t engage in a circular argument where we can’t agree on facts. I am stepping away until we’re both calm.”
If you’re in a severe DARVO situation, she urges documenting situations, texts and events so you have a paper trail of accurate records.
3 Rules for Setting Boundaries When the Argument Escalates
When it comes to setting boundaries with defensive people, Dr. Martin recommends abiding by the following three guidelines.
Assert a boundary as soon as intensity rises or you become uncomfortable. Be clear that the conversation needs to pause. Maintain the boundary—regardless of how angry it makes the other person—and try to remain calm. Be a broken record. If the person presses you for your reasoning, “pokes” you or tries to escalate things, repeat the same, simple phrase: “I’m not comfortable communicating this way and am done speaking about this until we are both calm.” Follow the “one-issue rule.” Refuse to address past grievances they may bring up and focus on the present concern. You might say something like, “We can talk about last week’s issue later, but right now, I am only addressing today.”Related: ‘You Need Therapy’—Why a Gaslighter Urging You To Get Help Is Actually a Massive Red Flag, According to a Psychologist
Frequently Asked Questions
Dr. Martin provides answers and insights to other blame-shifting FAQs.
What do you say to someone who shifts the blame?
Besides the main phrase above, Dr. Martin shares five additional phrases to use when someone shifts blame onto you.
“Two things can be true at once, but right now, I need us to focus on this one thing.” “We got away from the issue we started with. Let’s please get back to it.” “I’ll need to pause this conversation if we can’t stick to the point I needed to bring up to you.” “I’m happy to speak about my part in this, but right now, we are talking about yours.” “I can’t take responsibility for feelings or actions that are not my own.”Why do narcissists shift the blame?
While people who blame-shift aren’t always narcissistic, and not every narcissistic person engages in blame-shifting, these two things can be connected. Narcissistic blame-shifting is a thing. Basically, it happens because the person needs to feel superior and may have a “god complex.”
“Ironically, this is a compensation mechanism for their true feelings of self, which are usually defined by inadequacy and inferiority,” Dr. Martin clarifies. “Because their self-esteem is so fragile, admitting to a flaw or a mistake—regardless of how small—creates severe internal distress.”
Blame-shifting is how they protect themselves from feelings of inadequacy, pain and vulnerability. They externalize their discomfort by blaming others and putting them on the defensive.
Wondering how to stop an argument with a narcissist? In short, you can disarm a narcissist by remaining cool, calm and collected, and by using phrases like “We can talk again when you can speak kindly to me,” “I hear what you’re saying” and simply “No.”
Related: The ‘Intermittent Kindness’ Pattern People Miss When Dealing With a Gaslighter, According to Psychologists
How do you deal with a blame-shifter in a relationship?
First and foremost, Dr. Martin recommends “refusing the bait,” sometimes called the “gray rock method.” Basically, keep responses neutral, short, matter-of-fact and “boring.” This gives the blame-shifter little fuel to use against you.
She adds that “boundaries are your friend.” Clearly state what you will and won’t accept, and walk away if they refuse to respect them.
Last but not least, Dr. Martin encourages releasing any hope of an apology.
“A genuine acknowledgment of fault is unlikely, and that does not mean you were wrong,” she says. “Focus on protecting your peace and remembering the truth, rather than convincing them to see it the same way.”
What is gaslighting vs. blame-shifting?
“Gaslighting” is another tactic you’ve probably heard about recently, and it may look similar to blame-shifting. Dr. Martin distinguishes the two.
She says that blame-shifting is a defensive tactic that redirects responsibility for an action. Examples might include, “It’s your fault we’re late” or “I only yelled because you made me mad.”
Gaslighting, on the other hand, shifts the narrative. It’s a form of emotional abuse that targets someone’s perception of reality. “You’re crazy” and “That never happened” (when it did happen) are examples; they make you doubt your memory and sanity over time.
“To summarize the difference, blame-shifting changes who is at fault, while gaslighting attempts to change the reality of what actually happened,” Dr. Martin concludes.
Neither is OK. Once you identify blame-shifting (or gaslighting), it’s important to trust yourself and set boundaries immediately. You don’t deserve this behavior, and you don’t have to put up with it.
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