Maybe you still hear it when something goes wrong. A tight voice in your head that says you’re overreacting, that you should be over it by now, that nobody wants to hear about this. For a lot of adults, that voice didn’t start with them. It started at the kitchen table, in the back seat of the car or in a bedroom where they cried alone because crying in front of a parent only made things worse.
Growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent doesn’t always look dramatic from the outside. There may have been food on the table and rides to soccer practice. But when you were scared, hurt or overwhelmed, the comfort you needed simply wasn’t there. Instead, you may have heard phrases like “You’re too sensitive” or “Just please stop crying.”
Those words don’t disappear when you grow up. Psychologists say they often become the script you use on yourself.
The good news? Scripts can be rewritten. In a Parade story on phrases emotionally unavailable parents say to their kids, Dr. Easton Gaines, PsyD, a New York State clinical psychologist and founder of MindCare Psychology, shared two simple, four-word phrases you can start saying to yourself today: “Your feelings make sense” and “I’m here with you.”
She recommended using them especially in moments of distress, as a way to give yourself what you needed to hear as a child.
“It may feel awkward at first,” Dr. Gaines said, “but it rewires your inner dialogue.”
Here’s why these eight little words carry so much weight, and how to make them a habit.
Related: Child Psychologists Say These 9 Phrases Are Doing More Harm Than Good—Even if You Mean Well
Why ‘Your Feelings Make Sense’ Is the Validation You Never Got
If you were told you were “too sensitive” or “dramatic” as a kid, you likely learned to treat your own emotions as a problem to be managed rather than a message to be heard.
“This dismisses the child’s inner world and wires them to believe their feelings are ‘wrong,’” Dr. Gaines told Parade. “Many grow up doubting their instincts and over-editing themselves in relationships to avoid seeming like ‘too much.’”
That’s exactly what “Your feelings make sense” pushes back against. It doesn’t say your feelings are pleasant, convenient or proportional. It simply says there is a reason you feel the way you do, and that reason deserves respect.
It matters because validation isn’t a luxury. “Validation is foundational to developing self-worth and emotional resilience,” Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, said in a Parade story on adults who never felt validated as kids. “If a child’s feelings or needs are dismissed, ignored or invalidated, they may internalize these experiences.”
One common result is shutting down altogether. “If a child learns early on that expressing their emotions results in dismissal or punishment, emotional suppression becomes a coping mechanism,” said Dr. Crystal Saidi, PsyD, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks, in that same Parade story on lacking validation in childhood. “As adults, these individuals struggle to identify, process and express their feelings.”
Dr. Schiff’s advice for breaking that cycle lined up neatly with Dr. Gaines’ phrase: “Affirm your own feelings, needs and desires. Replace negative self-talk with positive self-affirmations in order to build a stronger sense of self-worth.”
Dr. Gaines also suggested letting go of what she calls the perfection rule, the belief that you need to be perfectly calm or completely justified before you’re allowed to feel something. Instead, she recommended telling yourself, “I’m allowed to feel this way.”
Related: People Who Were Constantly Compared to Siblings in Childhood Often Develop These 7 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Why ‘I’m Here With You’ Heals the Loneliness of Emotional Neglect
Sometimes the deepest wound wasn’t something a parent said. It was what happened when they said nothing at all.
“A parent going quiet, walking away or shutting down teaches the child: ‘When I’m hurting, I’m alone,’” Dr. Gaines told Parade. “This can lead to adult patterns of emotional self-abandonment.”
“I’m here with you” is the direct counter to that lesson. Where the first phrase validates the feeling, this one promises presence. It tells the scared, hurting part of you that it won’t be left alone this time, even if the person showing up is you.
That promise matters because kids who were emotionally neglected often learned to go it alone. “In their childhood, they had to fend for themselves emotionally,” Dr. Schiff said in a Parade story on traits of people who were emotionally neglected as kids. “They may feel that seeking support or help is a sign of weakness or might believe that nobody will be there for them.”
That hyper-independence can look like strength from the outside, but it often comes at a cost. “While this can be a survival mechanism, it can also lead to isolation, burnout and difficulty accepting help when it’s genuinely needed,” added Dr. Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a New York City neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind.
Saying “I’m here with you” won’t replace the support of other people, but it can be the first place you practice receiving it.
Related: 9 Ways to Begin Your Emotion Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist
How to Start Using These 2 Phrases to Rewire Your Inner Dialogue
Knowing the words is one thing. Saying them when your chest is tight and the old voice is loud is another. Here’s how to make them stick, based on advice from the psychologists Parade spoke with.
Catch the moment. When you notice yourself shutting down or brushing off a feeling, Dr. Gaines recommended pausing, naming the emotion and offering yourself connection. That pause is your cue to say, “Your feelings make sense. I’m here with you.”
Expect it to feel strange. If you never heard these words growing up, saying them to yourself may feel forced or even a little silly at first. Dr. Gaines said that’s normal, and it doesn’t mean it isn’t working.
Pair the words with a ritual. Dr. Gaines suggested journaling, breathwork or calling a safe person as ways to soothe yourself and repair the moment.
Get to know your emotions. It’s hard to validate a feeling you can’t name. Dr. Natalie Bernstein, a licensed psychologist, child custody evaluator and adjunct faculty member of The Chicago School, suggested looking up an emotions wheel. “Start by writing down three emotions you experienced throughout the day, just to start recognizing and becoming more comfortable,” she told Parade.
Remember where the wound came from. “Recognize that how your parents respond is not a reflection on you, but a reflection on their own inability to tolerate strong emotion,” Dr. Bernstein said.
Don’t do it all alone. Dr. Gaines encouraged building relationships, or starting in therapy, where your emotions are met with curiosity instead of criticism. Dr. Saidi added that working with a therapist can help you understand how childhood experiences are affecting your life now and reframe the negative beliefs you formed back then.
You didn’t get to choose the words you heard as a child. But you get to choose the ones you hear now. And eight simple words, said often and with intention, can start to change the conversation you’ve been having with yourself for years.
Adapted from Parade’s “If You Heard These 9 Phrases as a Kid, Your Parent May Have Been Emotionally Unavailable” by Ashley Broadwater, “People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say” and “People Who Were ‘Emotionally Neglected’ in Childhood Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say” both by Beth Ann Mayer
Up Next:
Related: The Biggest Obstacle To Repairing a Parent and Adult-Child Relationship, Psychologist Says
Sources
Dr. Easton Gaines, PsyD, New York State clinical psychologist and founder of MindCare Psychology Dr. Natalie Bernstein, licensed psychologist, child custody evaluator and adjunct faculty member of The Chicago School Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry Dr. Crystal Saidi, PsyD, licensed psychologist with Thriveworks Dr. Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, New York City neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the MindHence then, the article about a psychologist recommends using these 2 4 word phrases to rewire your inner dialogue if you were raised by emotionally unavailable parents was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
Read More Details
Finally We wish PressBee provided you with enough information of ( A Psychologist Recommends Using These 2 4-Word Phrases to ‘Rewire’ Your Inner Dialogue if You Were Raised by Emotionally Unavailable Parents )
Also on site :