“We have this expectation that friendships should be easy, that we should always be affirmed, that our friends are kind of there forever,” says Nick Fager, a therapist in New York. Yet the people you want in your life for the long haul need care and attention. That’s why he encourages clients to do friendship check-ins: brief conversations about how things are going between you, including what you appreciate and what could use a little work.
To try it, choose a relaxed moment—on a walk or over coffee—and start by telling your friend how much they mean to you, suggests Janine O’Brien, a clinical psychologist in New York. Explain that you’d love to check in about how you can keep being good friends to each other. Pick one question to start with, give each other room to answer, and resist the urge to immediately defend yourself if something uncomfortable comes up.
Maybe your friend can make you laugh on a day when absolutely nothing is funny. Or she remembers when you’re waiting on medical test results and checks in. You appreciate it. Does she know that?
Starting with what’s good gives you both a chance to feel appreciated—and makes it easier to talk about anything that’s been bothering you. Be specific: You love that she makes the plans, that you can tell her embarrassing things, or that she’s kept the same ridiculous inside joke alive for 15 years.
“How do you feel about our level of contact recently?”
You think your monthly phone calls are keeping the friendship humming along. Your friend misses when you talked every week. Neither of you knows there’s a mismatch, because you’ve both been assuming the other person feels the same way.
You can also talk about who’s doing the reaching out. If you’re always the one suggesting dinner, it’s easy to wonder whether you’d ever see each other if you stopped asking. Your friend, meanwhile, might have no idea you mind being the designated planner.
Sometimes, your friend knows she hasn’t been calling enough. She’s also raising young kids, taking care of her aging dad, or barely keeping up with work—and worrying that you’re upset with her is one more thing weighing on her.
“I know you think about me all the time. I think about you all the time too,” she told her. “My door is always open for you.”
“Instead, the strategy I chose was just certainty,” Goldfarb says. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re still my best friend, and it’s OK if we don’t talk.”
“Have there been any moments recently between us that you’d like to revisit?”
You haven’t: This question makes room to return to something you didn’t know how to address in the moment. Otherwise, Fager says, “we end up just stewing on it and then distancing ourselves." Or we tell another friend what happened—and the person who could actually help clear things up never hears about it.
If you’re the one asking, let your friend finish before explaining what you meant. Listen, acknowledge what hurt, and apologize when appropriate. You can also return to the conversation if you realize later that there’s more you want to say. As Fager puts it: “The check-in is not everything.” Part of its purpose is to make the next honest conversation easier.
“We often want the person to stay in a certain version of themselves because it reminds us of a certain phase of life,” Fager says. That version might be especially fun, or familiar, or easy to connect with. Still, holding someone to it can leave them feeling like there’s little room to grow.
You can still remember old adventures—while making room for new ones. “It’s important to also recognize that things have shifted,” he says.
“Is there anything happening in your life that I can show up better for?”
O’Brien recommends asking rather than assuming you know what would help. Your friend might need something you hadn’t thought to offer, or want to talk about a problem you didn’t realize she was dealing with. Maybe you’ve been asking about her mother, but no one’s asked how she’s holding up.
If she’s unsure, try offering something specific: “Would you like some company this weekend?” or “Can I drop off dinner on Tuesday?” That gives your friend something concrete to respond to—and a chance to tell you whether you’re on the right track.
She recently discussed doing a weekly check-in with a friend about their Substacks: On Fridays, they could text each other about how things were going. That gives their conversations a purpose tied to something they both care about.
“What can we do that’s ours?”
“We should get together soon” is an excellent way to end a conversation and a less reliable way to get something on the calendar. Try asking what you’d actually be excited to do together.
Your version could be an annual camping trip, a hike you’ve been meaning to take, or dinner at the restaurant you keep sending each other posts about. Choose something you both want to make time for, even if it happens less often than you once imagined.
“Part of the challenge of modern friendship is being flexible and being open to the variety of friendships we get to have,” Goldfarb says. “It’s not better or worse. It’s different.”
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