Arguably, one of the greatest joys of a grandparent’s life is spending time with their grandchild. This bond is super meaningful for the child, too; psychologists agree that the thing grandkids need most from their grandparents is undivided attention without the pressure to “parent.” It’s a win-win, right?
However—and as you may be familiar with—getting that time (and enough of it) isn’t always easy or commonplace. You might feel like you’re constantly asking your adult child for more time and getting a “no” (or no response) more often than you’d like. That can feel upsetting and confusing.
Plus, as it turns out, pushing a parent (aka, your adult child) isn’t your best bet, a child psychologist says, as common and understandable as the urge is. If you’re wondering how to spend more time with grandchildren, there’s one specific, short phrase she recommends. It’s more likely to bring the outcome you want (and generally improve the grandparent relationship with adult children).
Without further ado, ahead, that experienced child psychologist shares why your adult child might be pulling away, how to ask to see your grandkids more, how to use the golden phrase this week and surprising next steps if your request is still met with a “no.”
Related: The #1 Habit of Highly Respected Grandparents, According to a Family Psychologist
The #1 Reason Adult Children Pull Away From Grandparent Visits
So your child is reluctant to bring their child over to your home. Why? There’s one main reason: They feel you don’t respect their boundaries (even if you have good intentions).
“This can look like criticizing parenting choices, making comments about how kids were managed ‘back in my day,’ ignoring screen time rules, giving kids (or teen grandchildren) more freedom than parents have approved, stretching bedtimes or ignoring requests to stick to food routines,” says Dr. Marla Martin, PsyD, a pediatric psychologist at Phoenix Children’s.
While spoiling grandchildren is healthy, normal and positive, she clarifies, it’s important to get the parents’ blessing first to avoid added stress and exhausting after-effects.
Related: Psychologist Says These Are the 7 Habits To Avoid With Your Adult Child—and Why They Can Damage Your Relationship
The Magic Phrase: ‘How Can I Support You?’
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The golden five-word phrase to use is “How can I support you?”
“The shift is asking about the parents, not just the kids,” Dr. Martin reveals.
In other words, how can you help each other? How can you spend time with your grandchild and simultaneously relieve your adult child’s stress? To foster building a bond with grandkids, the question—as seen here—is actually “how grandparents can help busy parents.”
“When grandparents ask about supporting their adult children (rather than only asking about fun things they’d like to do with grandkids), parents feel supported and are much more likely to be open,” she explains.
Why This Phrase Works, According to a Child Psychologist
Dr. Martin explains the three main reasons why this phrase is effective.
It’s parent-focused
Even though your child is an adult, they still need your help sometimes—perhaps especially when parenting. That’s where a phrase like this comes in.
“It demonstrates that you are about the parents and the grandkids,” Dr. Martin states.
It makes planning less of an obligation
Planning the logistics for a night at grandma’s and grandpa’s might feel overwhelming for an already-busy parent. This phrase takes away some of that stress and work.
“This turns visit obligations into opportunities for adult children to share ways their parents can support the entire household rather than just the grandkids,” Dr. Martin points out.
In other words, it makes it easier for the adult child to see your request as helpful to them versus just another request or task.
It helps in a specific, needed way
This phrase supports the parents, which, in turn, supports the kids.
“Parents today need a cooked meal, a date night, a closet organized or a morning to sleep in, not just someone to rile up their kids for a few hours,” Dr. Martin says.
Related: 7 Ways To Stay Close With Adult Children Without Being Overbearing
3 Ways To Put the Phrase Into Action This Weekend
Dr. Martin suggests offering concrete help in your text or call. Below, she shares a few examples of what that might look like.
1. “Would it be helpful if I came over Saturday morning and did the morning routine with the kids so you can sleep in?”
Getting specific makes things easier for parents who are probably feeling decision fatigue or analysis paralysis. That can help your chances.
“This phrase is helpful because it offers a specific form of support at a specific time while still giving the parent the option to say yes or no,” Dr. Martin explains. “Instead of asking a tired parent to use mental energy to identify what they need, the grandparent is suggesting a practical way to lighten the load.”
In practice, she says, you might prepare breakfast, help the child get dressed, pack for an activity or just keep the child occupied—basically, whatever their normal routine is.
2. “I’d like to make dinner and have a meal with you all this week. What night would help most?”
Take a task off the parent’s plate and get more time with your grandkids.
“This offer combines practical support with family time without making the visit feel like another obligation,” Dr. Martin states. “It also creates an opportunity to spend time together naturally rather than asking the family to make room for a separate visit.”
Bonus points if you offer to clean up afterward.
3. “I’m headed to the grocery store. Can I pick anything up for you?”
You can support your grandchildren indirectly. This is one way to do so.
“In practice, the grandparent could pick up milk, diapers, school-lunch supplies or something needed for dinner,” Dr. Martin says.
She also recommends offering to buy specific things to help with the parent’s mental load. For example, do they need milk, fruit or anything for their kid’s lunchbox?
Additionally, this phrase makes accepting support feel easy and low-pressure, Dr. Martin adds. Make the situation even better for everyone by offering to bring the groceries by when the kids are home.
Related: 9 Things Adult Children Need From Their Parents and Grandparents—but Won’t Ask For, Psychologists Share
How To Handle It if the Parents Still Say No
Even after your best efforts and this golden phrase, parents may still say “no”—and that can be hard. You may be tempted to argue or push, but try not to, as that can make things worse.
“Sometimes space helps tensions ease,” Dr. Martin reveals. “Being patient and allowing space doesn’t mean the relationship is damaged.”
She also encourages acknowledging and owning your part. Have you guilt-tripped them, been critical or dismissed them? Are you often unavailable or opinionated?
“Apologize (without making excuses or explanations) and commit to moving forward,” the psychologist encourages. “Be patient. Be positive.”
Last but not least, let the ball be in their court, as counterintuitive as it may feel.
“Remind your kids that you respect their boundaries and are there for them when they are ready,” Dr. Martin states. “When circumstances change, which they often do, be ready to positively re-engage.”
Up Next:
Related: Family Psychologists Reveal What Grandkids Remember Most About Their Grandparents
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Dr. Marla Martin, PsyD, is a pediatric psychologist at Phoenix Children’s.Hence then, the article about ask for more time with your grandkids with this 5 word phrase child psychologist says was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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