Should you suggest they go home? Ask your boss to intervene? Subtly inch toward an open window? And how do you account for the possibility that they don’t feel they have a choice about being there?
“If you say something to someone and you call them out, in a way you’re judging them,” she says. “It threatens their standing as a good person.” Suggesting they head home can also feel like rejecting them—especially if they showed up because they didn’t want to disappoint you.
Here’s what to say when you’re facing a sick coworker, an ailing dinner guest, or some other ill person who insists they’re absolutely fine.
“I’m going to take copious notes,” she suggests telling a colleague. Offer to send them afterward so they don’t feel they’ll miss out by heading home.
Dr. Heidi Torres, an infectious-disease physician and assistant professor of clinical medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine, makes it clear to her colleagues that the office can manage without them: “You stay home, you be guilt free. We are fine. We do not need you to be here.”
Too often, Claire Smith says, employees have to decide whether they’re well enough to work and then figure out what to do about the meeting they’ll miss or the deadline they can’t meet. “It’s not a mutual conversation.”
What if the sick person is your boss? Bohns suggests framing your request around a shared work goal, especially if your manager treats pushing through illness as a badge of honor. “One of us should stay healthy for this project,” she suggests saying. You can then ask to join from your desk—making it clear that staying well is part of your commitment to the work.
Managers need to follow those expectations themselves. Even a workplace that offers paid time off and backup coverage sends a conflicting message when the boss shows up with a fever. “That policy feels more like decoration,” Torres says. “They have to also follow that and lead by example.”
When a friend or guest arrives feeling awful
You can soften the departure by packing up a container of dinner or sending them home with dessert. Before they go, make it clear you still want to see them: “We have to catch up. Let’s reschedule when you’re feeling better,” Bohns suggests.
If you’re a fellow guest, consider how well you know the person. A close friend might appreciate a whispered suggestion to head home and an offer to help arrange a ride, Jodi Smith says. If you barely know them, pull the host aside instead. Assume they’ve been busy serving dinner and greeting people and haven’t noticed what’s going on. Briefly explain your concern, then add: “I wanted to let you know so that you could handle it in the way that you see fit,” she suggests. Leave the decision to them; you can decide whether you’re comfortable staying.
You’ve barely finished suggesting your friend or colleague head home when the reassurance begins: It’s just a cold. They feel fine. They’re definitely not contagious.
Sharing a little context can help, too. Maybe you’re trying to stay healthy for a big upcoming trip, or you need to avoid bringing an illness home to a family member. Explaining that makes your request feel less like a judgment of their decision to show up, Bohns says.
At the same time, a cough doesn’t tell you everything. Torres says even she can’t always immediately distinguish allergies from an infection. If leaving isn’t an option, you can put on a mask or open a window to bring in fresh air—without needing to settle what’s making someone cough.
When you’d rather leave
“We can see everyone else’s behavior, but we can’t see their feelings,” Bohns says. Your coworkers or fellow party guests might have the same concerns—and be waiting for someone else to say something.
At a party, you can simply thank the host and say you need to head out—even if they’re the one who’s under the weather. “Thanks for inviting me. I’ll catch up with you later,” Swann suggests. Keep your goodbye warm and brief, without announcing your reasons to everyone at the table.
“If you don’t want to be around a sick person,” she says, “make the move yourself, and don’t try to get other people involved in it.”
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