If setting a boundary makes you feel uncomfortable, you’re not alone. It’s easy to think that asserting boundaries is “mean” or pushes people away, even when you set them because you love the person and want to keep them close. Rather than put a guardrail in place, you might prefer being a people-pleaser or trying to change your mindset, even though that’s not necessarily fair or self-respecting.
You might also be reluctant to set and maintain boundaries because they’re a multi-step process, which can prolong the discomfort. You have to set parameters *and* continue asserting them, which can include implementing consequences if the person crosses your limits. You may worry you worded something the “wrong” way, especially if the other person seems hurt (which doesn’t mean you did something wrong, to be clear).
As difficult and tricky as they can be, relational guardrails are crucial. To make the process a little easier and classier, Parade spoke with a psychologist. She shares her number one phrase for setting boundaries in a high-class way, the psychology behind why it works, how to use the phrase in various situations, other helpful phrases and additional tips on body language and tone.
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The 1 Phrase ‘High-Class’ People Use To Assert Boundaries
Consider using this psychologist-suggested phrase: “That does not work for me.”
“The wording is clear and concise without appearing confrontational,” explains Dr. Shannon Franklin, PsyD, a licensed psychologist with Element Q Healing. “By using this type of wording, you can make a decision on an issue and communicate that decision to others without offending them.”
After all, that’s what we’re aiming for here: a phrase that is clear and firm without making the other person feel bad. When we talk about being “high class,” we’re talking about etiquette—which is simply being polite and helping others feel comfortable (without sacrificing your own needs).
What you don’t need to do in those situations (as understandable, common and tempting as it is) is engage in JADE, which stands for “justify, argue, defend, explain.” People who feel uncomfortable just saying “no” or “That does not work for me” may resort to one of those four communication tactics. While it may feel more comfortable in the moment, or you may think it will help your chances, it’s not necessary or the full story.
“Communicating your decision as clearly as possible will help you avoid engaging in a debate by using ‘justifying, arguing, defending or explaining’ to make your limit reasonable,” Dr. Franklin says.
In short, your no can be as simple as that and it deserves respect.
Related: 7 Things People With Strong Self-Esteem Never Feel the Need To Explain, According to a Psychologist
The Psychology of High-Status Boundaries: Why Less Is More
JADE is an example of how many of us think we need to do more to prove something, when in reality, less is more. Giving that justification, argument, defense or explanation can also cause you further problems besides just tiring you out.
“The more justifications you provide for your boundary, the greater number of ways in which someone else can challenge those justifications,” Dr. Franklin warns.
She encourages a short message that communicates your decision and that it’s not up for debate.
Like Taylor Swift sang in her song “marjorie,” “Never be so kind, you forget to be clever. Never be so clever, you forget to be kind.” That applies here: Aim to be firm (or clever) and kind. Remind yourself that a statement can have both of those qualities.
“Brief, clear statements do not need to be harsh or dismissive,” Dr. Franklin shares. “Clarity is possible without either.”
Related: The 3-Word Phrase That Instantly Puts Someone Else at Ease, According to a Psychologist
4 Ways To Use This Phrase in Real-Life Scenarios
You may need this phrase in different situations, so let’s talk about what that might look like and how you would adjust the key phrase.
1. At work
You can adapt Dr. Franklin’s phrase into: “That won’t fit into my work schedule.”
“This shows your inability to do it without needing to explain why personally,” she explains.
In this setting, it can help to communicate what you can do (assuming you’re not trying to get fired). She recommends offering a reasonable alternative—like a different deadline—if possible.
2. With family and friends
Dr. Franklin’s adaptation here emphasizes being firm and kind. She suggests a phrase like, “Thank you for thinking of me; I appreciate that. However, that’s not something I’m interested in doing.” This wording can help protect your relationship.
“Separating a decline on the request from an overall rejection to the other person allows you to maintain warmth with the person while clearly communicating that you do not feel obligated to say yes every time they ask for affection/closeness,” she states.
3. In romantic relationships
Romantic relationships can be tricky. When you need to set a boundary with a romantic partner, Dr. Franklin encourages something like, “I don’t think what you are doing is good for me; however, I would like to explore some other options together.” This shows you’re interested in them, even if you’re not interested in what they want to do.
“Establishing a boundary provides an opportunity for two people to have a collaborative conversation about their individual wants and needs, as well as their willingness to compromise to meet those needs,” she adds.
4. In social settings
Last but not least, let’s talk about gatherings, celebrations and parties.
“An easy, ‘Thank you for asking me; however, I am unable to attend’ will usually be enough,” Dr. Franklin notes.
Again, less is more.
“Declining an invitation with a straightforward and concise explanation can appear stronger and more courteous than creating a false story or making promises you have no intention of keeping,” she explains.
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3 Alternative Boundary Phrases Recommended by Psychologists
Dr. Franklin shares three more solid, classy examples of boundary phrases:
“I am unable to make a commitment for _____.” “Thank you for asking; however, I will decline.” “This is fine by me; however, that is not.”“Each of these options allows the conversation to stay focused on the individual’s desires and limitations, as opposed to judging or assuming motive about the other person,” she says.
Again, we’re back to being polite and helping others (and yourself) feel comfortable and valued.
How To Deliver the Phrase for Maximum Impact
Words are not always enough to communicate something. Tone and body language matter, and pauses can add emphasis and create an environment for better listening. Dr. Franklin shares specific suggestions on how to implement those things:
Speak calmly and at an even pace. Keep your body relaxed. Keep your eyes naturally engaging with the other person. State your boundary, then wait for a moment before continuing. Be mindful to not use too many apologetic phrases or nervous laughs.“You intend to show respect and thoughtfulness in establishing what you have decided,” she says.
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Dr. Shannon Franklin, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist with Element Q Healing.Hence then, the article about this phrase is how high class people assert their boundaries psychologist explains was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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