The desire to commemorate and share special moments with images has always existed (hello, cave paintings). But with the rise of social media and smartphones, the temptation to document every minute of your life can feel overwhelming. It’s even infiltrated our most intimate periods of time, with some couples feeling the need to chronicle every romantic moment—whether they share it or not. And this constant need to document can sometimes have a negative impact on relationships.
As Dr. Mindy DeSeta, a Doctor of Human Sexuality and board-certified sex therapist who specializes in couples counseling, notes, there is a difference between documenting a moment and sharing said moment—let alone documenting a moment with the specific intention to share it online.
“Documenting milestones can be meaningful and allow for people to be more intentional about celebrating their relationship,” she tells Parade. “Problems arise when the public-facing side of your relationship [matters more than the real thing].”
Moreover, constant documentation in a relationship can very quickly lead to oversharing, which Dr. DeSeta warns “can make a relationship feel less like a private bond between two people and more like something that is consistently open for public discussion.”
Not only does oversharing open the door for judgment from family, friends and followers, it can also make it harder for you and your partner to have truly intimate moments.
“Oversharing can make vulnerability harder because a partner may begin wondering which conversations will remain private and which ones could eventually become content,” she notes. “There is something psychologically valuable about knowing that certain parts of your relationship exist in a protected space that other people cannot enter.”
Read on to find out why over-documenting your relationship can be harmful, why couples today feel the need to overshare online and how to reclaim undocumented intimacy.
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The Psychological Shift: From Living the Moment To Documenting It
Documenting your relationship—whether for your own private memories or to share on social media—isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But the need to document every romantic instance can take a toll.
“There’s a clear distinction between taking a photo to remember a special night and crafting a special night to take a photo,” Dr. DeSeta says, reiterating that issues start to pop up once the “public-facing side of your relationship matters more than the real thing.”
When living in the moment is replaced with performance, it often leads to the relationship taking a backseat to the crafted image.
“Curating moments to document for the sake of showing off on socials will weaken the connection between the two people and make the relationship feel less organic,” the therapist warns.
“Before social media, people took photos for their own pleasure, perhaps to share with family or close friends who really cared,” she adds. “The need for external validation has become normal for Millennials and Gen Zers. People are placing their self-worth in the hands of their followers.”
Related: 7 Subtle Signs You Might Be ‘Oversharing,’ a Psychologist Warns
Why Do Couples Feel Compelled To Post Everything Online?
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“These days some people feel that if you don’t photograph it, it didn’t happen,” Dr. DeSeta tells Parade, adding that modern society and social media have created an environment where it almost feels wrong not to share personal moments. “It somehow feels less meaningful because friends, family and followers are not responding to a social media post enforcing how wonderful your life is.”
Of course, some couples might just genuinely enjoy posting everything online, and, according to Dr. DeSeta, “Others may not even realize how much they share because it’s become the new norm to be on social media.”
4 Ways Over-Documenting Harms Relationship Intimacy
1. It can add pressure to look a certain way
If romantic moments are constantly doubling as content, then odds are couples will start feeling outside pressure to fit certain beauty standards. Furthermore, it can make couples feel like they have to react a certain way to please their audience, instead of living in the moment.
“It creates pressure to look good, have the perfect outfit or the expression of glee that a couple might be trying to project,” Dr. DeSeta explains.
2. It takes you out of the present
Documenting romantic moments immediately takes you “out of the present and into future thinking,” says Dr. DeSeta. This can add to the pressure of getting the perfect shot, which can cause stress.
“This pressure can easily be misdirected onto your partner and cause friction or tension between the two,” she adds.
3. It creates distance
“Constant documentation interrupts flow of communication and physical contact,” Dr. DeSeta notes.
This is, in part, due to the mental energy being given to posting versus being with your partner.
“You can be in someone’s physical company, but mentally you are far away because your brain is spending so much time on how to perfectly capture the moment,” she explains.
4. It’s a vicious cycle
“If a couple receives positive feedback, the cycle will perpetuate itself,” Dr. DeSeta warns. “If the feedback is not satisfying enough, it creates pressure to manufacture a ‘better’ moment.”
Related: We Asked 3 Psychologists What Happy Couples Over 50 Do Right—They All Said the Same Thing
Privacy vs. Secrecy: Where To Draw the Line With Your Partner
Constantly posting every moment online can put pressure on a relationship, but so can complete social media silence. If your partner posts on social media, but doesn’t post you, that can be a major red flag. So how do you know where to draw the line between privacy and secrecy?
“Communication is key,” says Dr. DeSeta. “As with any issue in a relationship, one partner has to be cognizant of the other’s feelings.”
Knowing your partner’s social media habits can help you tell the difference between whether someone wants privacy or whether they’re keeping you a secret.
“Some people are naturally more private than others and don’t feel comfortable sharing certain moments outside of the relationship,” she shares.
If you and your partner agree to share moments online, you might want to agree on certain boundaries. For example, always check in before posting; that way, you’ll always know that your partner is on the same page.
“Being proud and wanting to share your relationship is normal; it’s healthy,” the therapist continues. “These are genuine moments.”
How To Reclaim Undocumented Intimacy: A Psychologist’s 3-Step Reset
If you’re worried you might be documenting your relationship a little too much, there are some things you can do to reclaim undocumented intimacy and revive your relationship outside of photos and Instagram posts.
Schedule phone-free dates or dinners: “When you each commit to spending quality time together without distractions, you make room to reconnect with each other,” explains Dr. DeSeta. Predetermine which moments you want to keep private: Maybe you and your partner are going on a romantic vacation, or you’ve hit an exciting milestone; whatever it is, make sure you and your partner agree to keep some things off social media. “Having private experiences can help restore intimacy,” Dr. DeSeta notes. Be mindful: “Next time you’re about to capture a memory on your phone, ask yourself, ‘Do I want to remember this moment? Or do I want other people to remember it for me?’” says Dr. DeSeta. “Allow yourself that split second to break free from your phone addiction and be present with your partner.”Up Next:
Related: 7 Phrases People With High Self-Trust Use Regularly, Psychologist Says
Source:
Dr. Mindy DeSeta is a licensed mental health counselor and board-certified sex therapist. She is the founder of Insight Counseling Center Miami and specializes in individual therapy, sex therapy, couples therapy and hypnotherapy.Hence then, the article about remember when couples didn t need to document every romantic moment a therapist reveals its impact on relationships was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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