During this week’s Labour Party conference in Liverpool, rural minister Jenny Riddell-Carpenter ruffled feathers (and fur) when she described “warm ale, a black Labrador by your feet, with symbolism of fox hunting all around” as a “far-right nostalgic vision of Britain that… never really existed.”
The elision of black Labs (one of the most popular breeds in the UK) with far-right politics has prompted a minor culture war, with Guy Kelly writing in The Telegraph, “some [owners] are, rightly, apologising for ever associating with them. Others, under the hashtag #BlackLabsMatter, are standing by their Hitlerite hounds.”
The kerfuffle comes less down to politics and more down to whether a dog breed can tell you anything about the owner. Well, we have done our own soul-searching to determine that, in fact, you can tell everything about an owner from their dog.
Here are our 100 per cent scientific, astute and definitely accurate observations about what your dog breed says about you.
Working cocker spaniel
You may not live there but you are serious about the countryside. While you love your dog fiercely, you try not to go in for infantilising and instead respect him as a fellow worker in the fields. If you haven’t left the city already, you are planning to, dreaming of a home with an Aga and access to big rambling pastures. You don’t believe in clothes for dogs.
Cockapoo/cavapoo/labradoodle et al
You’re in your early 30s and a city dweller who is smug about choosing a breed with no innate health problems. That is, until you are faced with its relentless, mad energy. You were planning on having a family soon and dog ownership was a kind of test run – now, frankly, you’re not so sure about it.
Dachshund
You are only in your mid-twenties, but you find yourself complaining about your back pain because you’re constantly bending down to stop the dog jumping on the furniture (they seem determined to break their spines and cost you a fortune at the vets). Your dog, of course, has its own social media account – very popular too – and has been subjected to various photoshoots. You thought you could just take it to the pub; you didn’t account for how yappy and demanding it’d be.
Pug
You’re recently divorced and can finally get the dog your ex-husband always hated. He said pugs were ugly but you always cherished their inner beauty, floppy tongue and sweet, velvety ears. The dog accompanies you everywhere and you delight in how goofy he is – your friends haven’t seen you laugh like this in ages.
Poodle
You retired and are determined to prove poodles are not in the least prissy and frou-frou. Yes, you are now stuck in a constant, expensive grooming cycle and you’ve become a bit obsessed with matting, and, yes, your dog is a touch standoffish, especially with other dogs. But you are constantly entertained by how smart they are, taking them out on long walks with your other retired friends.
Labrador
A no-nonsense dog for a no-nonsense person. Labradors are a classic working dog, favoured by working/gundog handlers in the field, or picked to act as service animals and family companions. You are either a city dweller who bought your house (not flat) in the 2010s, or live more rurally – at any age. And yes, you’re often found with a dog at your feet in the pub.
French bulldog
You rent a flat in the city and have convinced yourself that your Frenchie will go unnoticed by the landlord. Obsessed with the dog wearing funny little hats on TikTok and catching its snuffling noises, you treat it like royalty and in turn, it acts like a delightfully petulant diva.
Staffordshire terrier
You are child-free by choice and constantly telling your friends, your family, and strangers on the street just how misunderstood Staffies are. You also make sure everyone knows you have a rescue dog. You’re kind and well-meaning, but even you get a bit sick of how much you talk about the work you have to put in to care for your puppy.
Small terrier
You resent the stereotype that your dog is an “ankle-biter” but also have to admit you’ve become inured to the sound of yapping. You are always on, or planning, another coastal walk.
Border collie
You are not afraid of a challenge and, if you’re honest, sometimes judge lap dog owners. Because unlike them, you put in the work. You and your collie are out every weekend, either hiking, training, or exploring the great outdoors. There is no season that could keep you in – whatever the weather, you will drag your loved ones out with you to tramp for bloody miles.
You only admit to yourself that you are honest-to-god knackered most of the time and miss going on European holidays. Your house is coated in dog hair. But you wouldn’t have it any other way.
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