The subject of national service is once again on the agenda. Just last week, the Government published a research briefing on this very issue to clarify their own position, what the ongoing research says and what public opinion is on the subject. According to said report: “This Government has no current plans for compulsory military service.” Phew! But it’s hardly surprising that these conversations are happening. The ongoing wars in Ukraine and the Middle East has forced everyone to rethink how they will bolster their defences. In Germany, school students are currently out on the streets protesting the possible reintroduction of such a scheme.
As well as bolstering recruitment, those who believe in national service reckon it will do no end of good for the character of the nation’s teenagers. Basically, it’ll toughen them up and keep them on the straight and narrow. Then-prime minister Rishi Sunak said that national service would help the young, “gain valuable skills” and “build a stronger national culture”.
But if that’s the aim, do you know what I would force upon the nation if I was in charge? Not military service, but compulsory customer service. Hear me out. Never mind 12 months in an army barracks, if you want character building and life skills, try a 10-hour shift, serving the great British public alcohol on the last Friday before Christmas.
I’m serious! I think the world would be a better place for it. We might even learn enough basic respect for our fellow humans to avoid wars in the first place. Has Donald Trump ever had to explain to an irate customer why you can’t return a dress without the receipt? Has he heck.
12 months behind the counter at a late-night takeaway bar and I think even the staunchest anti-trade unionist would rethink their position. What can you learn about conflict resolution in the army that you can’t learn serving food to drunk people who click their fingers at you?
I think it could be a great step towards dismantling the class system and closing the gulf that exists between the haves and the have-nots. According to The Sutton Trust, Britain’s most powerful people (politicians, CEOs, media pundits, etc) are 36 per cent more likely to have been privately educated than the general public. I could be wrong, but I doubt many of them have ever had to coax a nude man on PCP out of the disabled toilets of a Wetherspoons.
And I wouldn’t just force my scheme on the youths – I’d insist we all had a go at it. (“I don’t care if you are in a care home, Mildred. I want you manning the lines of a utility’s customer service line hotline.”) According to recent research, the idea of compulsory national service is strongest amongst the over-65s, so presumably they’d be overjoyed at my plans to have them on the counter of a TK Maxx during the Boxing Day sales if it means building “a stronger national culture”. That’s the beauty of the compulsory customer service scheme: age and fitness are no barriers – I’ll find you something to do.
Ex-customer service staff are a lot like ex-military – we’ve seen things, man. It changed us. I’m telling you now, I can tell when someone has done a few tours of the customer service industry and when I am around someone who has not simply by how they treat their fellow human beings.
If you spend any amount of time in a “serving” role to people who believe they are a) always in the right and b) have some authority over you, you will see our great nation from an entirely different vantage point – and not a very pretty one. Nothing will help you view those around you with more compassion and patience than being paid to serve those who have neither.
I speak with great authority on the subject as someone who worked in late-night bars around Leeds for the best part of 12 years and I’ve seen it all. Fist fights breaking out over footie results, women being carried out screaming because the DJ wouldn’t play “her song” and vomit up the walls. In fact, bodily fluids of all description. There is nothing that will make you rethink your position on late-stage capitalism than mopping up literal shit for minimum wage – and the whole time you’re supposed to smile and “welcome the guests”.
It’s not that I worked in particularly rough bars, but by 3am in Leeds, “sophisticated drinking culture” is a distant memory for all concerned. During my time on the front line, I learned basic conflict resolution, first aid, diplomacy and how to respond appropriately when someone tells me that they “know the manager” and that they “pay my wages”. All valuable, transferable skills that don’t also come with the risk of being wiped out in a drone strike.
My programme would be highly educational. Citizens could rotate through different sectors: hospitality, retail, tech support, etc. A new recruit might start the week believing bureaucracy is the result of sheer incompetence and end it understanding that the database was designed eight years ago by a committee that no longer exists. I’m telling you, it would make us more patient with one another and definitely foster a respect for those doing the lowest-paid jobs.
I suppose what I am really sick of is a world where the super-rich get to make decisions that impact the lives of ordinary people, with little to no understanding of what it means to live on the breadline.
The only reason anyone is talking about the possibility of national service once again is because we are in danger of being dragged into a conflict. In fact, only this week, Defence Secretary Wes Streeting warned that Britain faces “a greater risk of war than at any point in my lifetime”.
And who is it who is starting wars? Not bartenders, or waiters, or shop assistants – wealthy old men, that’s who. And who will be called up? Exactly. Plus, if nothing else, with my plan, at least there would finally be enough staff available to actually answer the phone over at Evri.
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