Ross says he never thinks about money, prompting Rachel’s famous line, “That’s because you have it!”
Last year, my friend wanted to have a birthday dinner at Carbone in London, an Italian restaurant that is arguably more famous for celebrity sightings than its actual food. My friend works full-time at a national magazine, whereas I’m a freelancer. Everyone else cancelled on her birthday, so it was just the two of us. I felt bad for her, so I didn’t mind spending $75 on food. But a few months later, when it was time to plan my birthday, I couldn’t imagine asking any of my friends to spend the same amount on me just to visit a fancy restaurant. It felt like an extortionate amount of money. It felt tone deaf and entitled. So I hosted a house party instead and asked everyone to bring pizza.
Money can shape friendships and also reveal people’s values. The wealth gap between friends doesn’t necessarily cause dramatic fights or resentment. More often, it shows up in the small decisions: where you eat, which holidays you can afford, whether you can join a last-minute night out, or whether suggesting an expensive activity feels embarrassing in the first place.
The way we handle money with our friends reveals a lot about our values, particularly when there is a significant wealth gap. Someone who can comfortably spend lavishly on a dinner, holiday, or birthday celebration may not realize that they're effectively asking a friend with less disposable income to make a significant financial sacrifice to participate.
Money and conversations around money are taboo in our society, says psychotherapist Silvia Dutchevici, a licensed clinical social worker. “In my practice, I’ve seen patients share their most intense fears and sexual desires with little reservation, and then become visibly uncomfortable when asked about their salary, or naming the amount of a bonus or raise.” Think about it: how many of us actually know how much money our friends have or the salaries they make?
Both sides can carry shame. The friend with less money may feel judged or inadequate. Meanwhile, many affluent people also carry a deep shame around wealth, feel undeserving of it, and hide their financial means. “I once worked with a woman set to inherit millions who felt she couldn’t accept it until she had proved her worth by earning her own,” says Dutchevici.
There is an emotional side of the friendship wealth divide, too: the guilt of saying no, the shame of admitting you can’t afford something, the resentment that can build when one friend gets to choose the restaurant or holiday, and the awkwardness of accepting that in the face of a high price tag. All of these pressures have led me to believe that friendship requires more financial negotiation than it once did.
These conversations don’t have to be complicated. Last week, my friend who works in radiology picked a sushi restaurant with a $40 per-person menu. “Is $40 okay for you? We can go somewhere else if not,” she said in a casual tone on the phone. I appreciated her thoughtfulness and conscientiousness. The end result: a closer friendship and no resentment.
The wealth gap simply makes those values much more visible. And money reveals how we treat the people we claim to care about.
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