So when Ryan watched the potato chip fall from her husband’s lunch plate, she felt a flash of anger: I’ve been doing all these things for you. You can’t even keep a potato chip on your plate?
Ryan, who has spent 40 years caring for various family members and co-founded the caregiver-support organization The Caregiver’s Journey, had been sacrificing pieces of her own life without tallying the toll. “I didn’t realize the impact of giving up a little bit here, shaving this off, shaving that off,” she says.
But how can you tell when caregiving is starting to take a toll on your health—and what can you do?
What matters is whether these changes have become “consistent and persistent,” says Diane Mariani, a licensed clinical social worker and director of Caring for Caregivers at Rush University Medical Center. Your friends and family members might notice them first. If they tell you that you don’t seem like yourself, resist the automatic “I’m fine” and seriously consider what they’re seeing.
Notice when your own medical care has become optional
Caregivers often postpone their own screenings, brush off symptoms they would normally get checked out, or let chronic conditions go unmanaged.
Caregiving also disrupts the habits that help people stay healthy. “What we hear a lot from caregivers is the change in their sleeping, eating, and even exercise,” Mariani says. Over time, poor sleep and chronic stress can affect blood pressure and immune function, she adds, while missed appointments make it harder to catch new problems or manage existing ones.
As Nerurkar puts it, caregivers often land “at the bottom of that to-do list—and often they’re not even on the list.”
Nerurkar calls this “toxic resilience”: a mind-over-matter approach built around “productivity at all costs, ‘all systems go’ all the time.”
Guilt can reinforce the same pattern. A spouse may have promised years ago never to move their partner into a care facility. An adult child might believe they’re responsible for managing everything alone. In some families and cultures, that responsibility traditionally falls to one person, often the oldest daughter.
Ryan once made a promise like that. But she ultimately moved her husband into a care community because his dementia had progressed, and he needed more social interaction than she could provide at home. It was, she says, “the wisest choice for his lifestyle, and his safety and mine.”
Identify what needs to change
Ask yourself: “If nothing changes, can I continue living this way for another three or six months?” Then identify which part is wearing you down most. Is it getting up four times a night? Managing medications you don’t understand? Never being able to leave the house? Handling every appointment while your siblings offer advice from several states away?
That’s why she avoids lecturing people about “self-care.” To someone who’s already overwhelmed, it can sound like “another task for their long list,” she says—or another reminder that they’re still not doing enough.
Maybe you miss your morning walk or reading before bed. Start there, and figure out what would have to change to bring it back. If you can’t walk because your loved one can’t be left alone, ask someone to stay with them for 30 minutes. If you keep missing your own appointment because you’re responsible for your parent’s transportation, ask a relative to drive them.
But it’s easier said than done, and our society doesn’t currently provide enough support for caregivers, experts argue.
Ryan also wrote a list of what someone could do if they had five minutes, 10 minutes, half an hour, two hours, half a day, or overnight. Then she contacted people who had previously offered to help and asked what they would be willing to take on.
If you’re supporting a caregiver, offer something specific: “I’m going to the grocery store tomorrow—send me your list.” “I can take Dad to his appointment Thursday.” “I’ll stay with Mom while you get your mammogram.”
One thing to avoid: dispensing advice from the sidelines. Caregivers often hear some version of “Why don’t you…” or “Have you tried…” from people who don’t understand their daily reality. “You don’t know, because you’re not here,” Mariani says. Start by listening.
Bring in professional support
Ask the health system treating your loved one whether it offers caregiver specialists, social workers, counseling, or support groups. Local and condition-specific organizations may also provide respite care, meal delivery, transportation, or in-home assistance.
If researching resources feels like one responsibility too many, hand that job to someone who keeps asking how they can help: “Find out what caregiver support is available through Mom’s hospital, and send me the three best options.”
“I went from, No, I got this, to yes,” she says. “People wanted to lean in. They wanted to help. I got out of my own way.”
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