AH, rural bliss. A herd of deer darts playfully across a track. A pair of pristine wellies plunge into a puddle. An open fire dances invitingly. A…wait a minute, is this actually the British countryside, or a Disney pastiche in which mud is merely an accessory and no designer coat has ever encountered the wrath of a rogue bramble?
I love country living. But the version presented on the Duchess of Sussex’s Instagram feed this week, in which Meghan, Harry, Archie, Lilibet and their dog Pula yomp through grassy verges and quaint lanes accompanied by a heart and Union Jack emoji, bears little relation to my own, as my deconstruction of her rural check list reveals.
The open fire
Really? In September, when evening temperatures in the Cotswolds – where the Sussexes are reportedly living – averaged 18 to 20C last week, and no rural dweller worth their headtorch would light a fire for weeks, and only then after waging a war with their partner over whether the warmth really warrants getting up every 15 minutes to navigate the log to smoke ratio? Of course, we don’t know how dated Meghan’s fire footage is, nor whether she will insist on an open fire (more Insta friendly but infinitely less effective than a wood burner) in her new home, but if she continues in this vein I’d expect the child’s toes gently toasting in front of flames in her clip to shortly be replaced by the sort of black circles caused by flying sparks I showcase on my own carpet.
The dog walk
A country staple, sure, but whether the behaviour of Pula, the black labrador retriever the Sussexes brought over from the States, is representative of the UK canine population at large is, well, doubtful, based on this evidence and my lived experience of rural pet ownership. Bravo Pula for maintaining a stress-free free distance from your owners and respectfully declining a sofa-ruining dip when presented with the opportunity. But my labrador would choose charging after a rabbit or dunking himself into a muddy stretch of water over sticking by my side any day. And he’s one of the better behaved.
The Duchess of Sussex shared images of her family out walking this weekend, after they left California for the Cotswolds (Instagram)The deer
Deer don’t always scarper compliantly in the distance as per Meghan’s video, alas, but pose a hazard to themselves and motorists – as any of us who’ve braked at speed on the school run to avoid mowing down a procession ploughing through a hedgerow can attest. And pity the poor woman who lives near me and was knocked to the ground and injured by one this summer. According to Neighbourhood Watch, at any rate. I haven’t seen an Instagram reel.
The bike ride
That first set of wheels is a milestone moment, made all the easier in the countryside, as little Lilibet discovers riding her pink bike down a deserted-save-for-the-deer-in-the-distance-track, her only conundrum keeping her toy baby upright in the basket behind her. At least, that’s the theory. In reality, blind corners, speeding cars and pushy mothers make learning to cycle in the countryside a high risk activity, as my daughter learned when I suggested she take her brakes off going down a hill and she went head first over her handlebars. She’s hardly cycled since.
The puddles
Of course, I’m not denying we have puddles here, but the Sussexes’ vision of isolated pools for jumping in joyfully with box fresh wellies doesn’t necessarily present the full picture, in terms of the sheer deluge of mud and water involved in rural autumns, which, within a few weeks, drought or not, will spread across entire fields and roads, leaving anyone who deigns to hazard their way through them feeling more drowned rat than Peppa Pig on a playdate.
Prince Harry and his children try fishing in a boat (Meghan, Duchess of Sussex via Instagram)The fishing trip
Having grown up on a river with a boat of similar proportions to the one Harry, Archie and Lilibet are seen in, which my son and daughter still sometimes play on, I can say with confidence that most kids let loose on this sort of vessel for longer than ten minutes would be either at loggerheads over who got the oars, bailing out the water pouring in through a leak with a bucket, or capsized. What they wouldn’t be doing, at least not with any degree of success, is fishing, which the Sussexes appear to be, and which, frankly, seems wildly optimistic.
The country attire
Granted, we’re getting mixed weather messages here, from Harry and Meghan’s winter jackets to Archie’s shorts and t-shirt, but one sartorial constant is the conspicuous lack of dirt on anyone’s clothing, which, as anyone who’s spent longer than five minutes in the sticks and isn’t a #countrycore influencer knows, is unheard of. Then again, maybe those bare feet by the fire aren’t an algorithmic ruse, after all, but the result of muddy socks swiftly dispatched to the washing machine and sodden toes in search of warmth. Seems unlikely, but we can hope.
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