I have used multiple dating apps over the past eight years, and I have never formed a relationship with anyone I met on them. I have rarely even gone on a second date with someone from a dating app. Most first dates end in disappointment, mutual ghosting, or both.
Over the past year, I have also found myself far more interested in men I meet in real life. Why? My theory is that dating apps are dying because they don’t encourage the patience, curiosity, and emotional investment that dating requires.
There is evidence that this process becomes emotionally exhausting. A longitudinal study led by Liesel Sharabi, director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at Arizona State University, followed dating-app users for 12 weeks and found that emotional exhaustion and feelings of inefficacy increased over time.
Of course, rejection has always been part of dating, but apps dramatically increase our exposure to it. Every unanswered message, vanished match, and unexplained ghosting carries a small emotional cost. Over time, Hipkiss says, users may lose faith in the process and become less willing to invest emotionally in any individual connection.
Eventually, he realized that I was not truly interested and ended things with me. Good for him. I wasn’t being honest with him or with myself. I had mistaken the absence of an immediate disaster for the presence of a connection.
Philosopher Karim Nader has argued that dating apps transform the complex process of choosing a partner into a sequence of simple, discrete decisions. The goal can quietly shift from forming a relationship to accumulating matches.
That uncertainty keeps us returning. But it can also separate the immediate reward of receiving a match from the longer-term goal of forming a relationship.
Despite the exhaustion and cynicism, the game continues. We open the app almost automatically, swipe for a few minutes, and wait for a small reward. The behavior starts to resemble playing Candy Crush more than looking for a partner.
I can reject a profile in less than two seconds because I do not like someone’s hair or because he falls outside my preferred height range. These judgments are shallow, but they are also a predictable response to the task the apps have created. When faced with hundreds of decisions and very little information, we rely on shortcuts. A photograph, a job title, or an awkwardly phrased prompt becomes a proxy for an entire personality.
That feeling does not necessarily disappear after we choose someone. Even during a promising conversation, or after several dates, the app remains on our phone, offering the possibility of a match who could be funnier, hotter, or more compatible. The next person is always one swipe away.
This is the central paradox of dating apps. Their enormous selection makes us believe that finding the perfect partner should be easier than ever. But the same abundance can make it harder to become curious about a person, tolerate uncertainty, or feel satisfied with our choice.
And it’s why so many of us looking for love and connection are breaking up with dating apps.
Now, it’s time for us to be brave—and to get back out there.
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