If you have a delicate constitution, please do not proceed any further with this article. I cannot be held responsible for the assault that is about to be unleashed upon your disgust reflex. Some of the men folk have stopped washing their clothes and their crevices and are now deliberately cultivating an animal-like musk. They are doing this in the mistaken belief that such a funk will be stuffed full of sex pheromones and will have women battering their grubby doors down. Welcome to the whiffy world of “Pheromone Maxxing.”
I should say, right up at the top, it’s not all men. In fact, the phrase “not all men” could have been designed for this very issue, and thank God for that. It is a very small number of shower-dodging individuals who are promoting this codswallop online to their gullible male followers who really believe if they turn themselves into a human sourdough starter, they will get laid.
“As a guy, once you figure out your pheromone smell, there’s no going back. Your pheromones could be better than any cologne,” promises one young fella on TikTok. “I stopped washing my hair at all, and now I unironically get more compliments on how it smells and looks (from women),” said another.
Speaking as a woman, there is nothing less attractive than body odour and unwashed clothes. Were any women consulted during this nonsense? Of course not. Their numbers are small, but their pong is mighty and we must stomp pheromone maxxing out before it spreads like an evil miasma.
What is particularly depressing about all of this is that there is no evidence that human pheromones even exist. Pheromones are found across the animal kingdom but not in humans, so if you are a West African civet or a hippopotamus, perhaps not washing your pants could help you attract a mate? I’d need a zoologist to weigh in on that one.
But since when did the internet ever let facts get in the way of a good story? In fact, according to Vice, there are even men who have now taken to drinking their own urine in an effort to further “sweat out the toxins” and increase their stench levels to that of a flatulent ogre.
I read about this horror show on the same day as I read an article claiming that some men are now cutting off their eyelashes in order to appear more “masculine”. As someone who really values both eyelashes and a strong deodorant in a sexual partner, I can’t tell you what a diabolical experience it would be to be with someone who has shunned both. On behalf of all women and gay men everywhere: straight men I am begging you – please raise your standards. You are better than this. For the love of God, it doesn’t have to be this way.
Now, I know there will be myriad decent, soap-loving men reading these words who will take personal offence at my lumping them in with these cretins, but you’re the ones who have to set the example and steer these young fools back to the path of fragrant righteousness.
It has to be you. They obviously aren’t listening to us, are they? It isn’t women who are online, convincing men that what they really want is a date who smells like an unwashed armpit. It’s not us who are drinking our own urine in order to maintain a stink that would strip the enamel from your teeth. This nonsense can only be rectified by other straight men calling this stench out and reassuring the younger generation that washing your genitals doesn’t make you any less of a man – because that’s what all this is about really, isn’t it? Being a manly man?
The equation of personal grooming with being “girly” is really stuffing up a lot of straight men, and not just those who are quaffing their own urine and confusing BO with a dating strategy. Most straight men need to up their grooming regime. Women are screaming out for them to do so. I have the research to back me up.
According to Public Health Wales, only about 65 per cent of men wash their hands after using a public toilet, compared to 85 per cent of women. When clothing brand Jacamo surveyed their customers about their laundry habits, they found that one in 10 men admitted to wearing the same pair of trousers for an entire week before washing them. According to the same survey, men are changing their underwear every three days, and when they asked how they had gone without washing their bedding, the average answer was 31 days. According to one 2022 global study into differences in hygiene standards between the sexes, “stricter hygiene norms among women than among men are observed almost everywhere”.
When it comes to understanding what is going on here, researchers from (ironically enough) the University of Bath, suggest that although heterosexual men are becoming more and more invested in personal grooming, there remains an anxiety that such behaviour will be perceived as feminine or “gay”. (All the research show that gay men have very high levels of personal hygiene.) As the researchers put it, “grooming can be constructed as both desirable and threatening towards masculinity, in terms of navigating what might be necessary for sexual success versus what might be seen as vain”.
This is why men’s grooming products tend to have names like “face armour” and “wrinkle f**ker”, to make them sound manly and tough – like this moisturiser is something cowboys would use while branding cattle. At the extreme end of this anxiety are the pheromone maxxers, who are so convinced that real men don’t wash, they are turning up to dates smelling like a gym bag.
I know there are a lot of straight men who get very angry at being lumped in with every halfwit on the internet with an opinion on dating. I know this because they like to write me unsolicited emails about how they are the good guy, so I will be braced for a new slew of correspondence from grumpy men assuring me that they do indeed wash their scrotums.
But rather than lashing out at the messenger, consider for a moment just how easy it is to truly be “one of the good ones”. Right now, you qualify if you shower regularly and don’t drink your own piss.
I don’t believe all this pheromone crap is actually about attracting women. It’s about not wanting to be seen as “feminine”. Straight women have been pretty clear about what they want from men: emotional maturity, excellent personal hygiene and a sense of humour. We don’t want you to smell like a yak in heat.
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