But lately, I’ve found myself disproportionately annoyed by tiny breaches of friendship etiquette. If I ask a friend to dinner and they say they’re busy without suggesting another date, I feel slighted. If I introduce two friends and they start hanging out without me, I wonder why neither thought to include me. Then I wonder: am I holding my friends to an outdated social code?
When you think about it, an invitation is more than a logistical question, says Dr. Jeff Katzman, a psychiatrist at Silver Hill Hospital in New Canaan, Conn., who extensively studies human relationships. It’s a small relational bid: something close to, “I’d like to spend time with you. Would you like to spend time with me?” When that second part is missing, we’re left with ambiguity, and we fill in the blanks.
Someone who has experienced rejection or exclusion may experience the same unanswered invitation quite differently from someone who has generally experienced other people as reliable. Katzman points out that we do our best to infer other people’s minds from very small pieces of behavior. “A text goes unanswered, and the human mind is remarkably good at writing the rest of the story: ‘She doesn't really care about me. He doesn’t want to see me. I’m always the one who tries,’” he explains.
Whenever I make new friends now, I pay close attention. Do they regularly cancel plans at the last minute? Do they have the capacity for investing in a friendship and take on the logistical requirements of keeping an adult friendship alive? It takes roughly 50 hours of time together to move from mere acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to go from that stage to simple friend status, and more than 200 hours before you can consider someone your close friend, according to a report published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Getting to know someone takes a real commitment of time.
In good improvisation, both people help create the scene. Friendship is similar. We don’t have to say “Yes” to Tuesday night, but somehow, over time, we need to say “Yes” to the relationship. And it’s best if we can let our friends know that, in some way.
When I have done that in the past, a lot of the friendships naturally dissipated, whereas when I look at all the close friendships I have now, it’s the result of mutual effort. It’s pretty similar to playing tennis, where one person hits the ball, and the other person hits it back. Sometimes, one of us drops the ball, but quickly enough it’s picked back up again to continue the game.
So I took a fountain pen and drew concentric circles in my journal and assigned a circle to every friend, be it close friends or acquaintances. It helped me understand that someone can genuinely value our relationship without having the bandwidth to place us in their innermost circle at a particular point in life. It also helped me assign how much energy I want to spend.
Ultimately, it helped me appreciate my friends for what they are.
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