Dear Kenny,
My wife can no longer have sex since menopause and it’s driving me up the wall. She feels pain, I feel frustrated. We love each other but we can’t even talk about it without feeling embarrassed, sad, angry, so many emotions. What can I do so we both get our needs met? Is this normal or is there something I should know about?
We have a close, supportive relationship and have been together for 23 years. When we first met we had sex almost every day. After a few years, that dwindled to about once a week, except for during occasional periods of illness and injury. Now we haven’t had sex for almost eight months and have had to stop the past two times we tried, which I felt terrible about.
Anon, age 53
Thank you for overcoming your embarrassment to get in touch with me about this subject. Almost half of women – 45 per cent according to The Menopause Society – experience pain during sex during the menopause. I contacted hormone expert and founder of Living in Sync, Claire McGuinness, who explains: “During perimenopause and menopause, falling and fluctuating oestrogen levels can affect the tissues in and around the vagina. They can become drier, thinner and less elastic, and natural lubrication can reduce too. This can make sex uncomfortable or, for some women, really quite painful. Women might also notice things like irritation, burning, needing to wee more often or recurrent UTIs.”
She underlines that women don’t have to just put up with this or accept painful sex as a normal part of getting older. “Lubricants and vaginal moisturisers can be helpful, but if dryness or discomfort is continuing, I would always encourage someone to have a chat with their GP or menopause practitioner,” she says.
“Low-dose vaginal oestrogen can be incredibly effective and is available in different forms, including creams, vaginal tablets or pessaries and rings. It works locally on the vaginal tissues and very little is absorbed into the rest of the body. A GP can talk through the different options and what might be most suitable. Dryness and discomfort is very treatable, and getting the right support can make such a difference to comfort, confidence and intimacy.” She recommends finding out more using resources such as the NHS website.
I’m not surprised the pain your wife has been experiencing has brought up lots of emotions for you both. Few people in our generation grew up talking about sex: our parents often saw it as a taboo subject and school sex education didn’t mention pleasure. I would recommend that you practise: by chatting about sex together, you will hopefully both start to feel more relaxed. It’s OK to acknowledge your awkwardness and neither of you need to pretend that you know what to expect. Instead, discover together how to give each other pleasure that is pain free. I also recommend that you become curious about your emotions. It sounds as if you feel a sense of guilt that sex is currently painful for your wife. Or perhaps guilt that you still want sex? On the other hand, is it frustration at the situation that is making you angry?
I admire you for saying that you both have needs. So many men believe that they’re being unreasonable to think of their needs when their wife is experiencing pain or discomfort. For many, this is part of a wider, and frequently damaging, belief that they shouldn’t have any needs in a relationship. This often comes from childhood experiences. The more we know ourselves and recognise our needs, the more fulfilled and often less resentful and angry we become.
Explore all the emotions you’re experiencing. Why is sex important to you both? Is it being held, feeling safe, feeling close and loved, connecting with each other, the feeling of orgasm? All of these? By identifying these, you will hopefully be able to find more ways to give each other pleasure, safety, connection, closeness, intimacy. Sexual expression isn’t all about penetration. It might be that you both spend more time touching and cuddling; that you give each other a hand to reach orgasm; that, in time and with the help of lubrication, you are able to find different sex positions that give more pleasure.
You describe how you had more frequent sex when young, and wonder whether part of the sadness that you’re feeling might be for your youth. It’s very unlikely that this is the end of your sex life, but it may be that you’re moving into a new phase of life more generally. Changes such as the menopause are a reminder of ageing and time passing. It is natural to feel a sense of loss for a time when we had our whole lives ahead of us. It is worth appreciating how we’ve chosen to spend our years – it sounds as if you have a loving, fulfilling relationship that is worth celebrating. I hope your wife is able to seek effective help for these painful symptoms soon.
Hence then, the article about we haven t had sex for eight months my wife finds it too painful was published today ( ) and is available on inews ( Middle East ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
Read More Details
Finally We wish PressBee provided you with enough information of ( We haven’t had sex for eight months – my wife finds it too painful )
Also on site :
- 1979 Supertramp Hit, Ranked Among the ‘Greatest Classic Rock Songs’ Ever, Was Partially Recorded in a Bathroom
- Martha Stewart’s Retro 1960s-Inspired Bakeware Collection Brings Joy to Home Kitchens, Starting at $12
- ‘Adults’ Star Lucy Freyer Says Julia Fox “Put A Curse On” Show After Season 1: “Feels Like A Blessing”