I remember being in awe of the divorce lawyer sitting before me in the plush office in central London. Perfect hair and makeup, she was wearing a dress and heels that wouldn’t have looked out of place in Suits. She stared at me over the top of her designer glasses. “Do not waste your money telling me your problems. Get a therapist,” she said.
My divorce was dragging on. In 2017, five years after filing for divorce, I took the plunge and hired a new law firm in an attempt to bring litigation to an end. According to her company’s website, this woman had a reputation for winning; she’d even been on television. She must be good, I thought.
In all honesty, I preferred my previous lawyer. Our friendship grew after spending many miserable hours in the Central Family Court in Holborn. Yes, I probably did tell him too much, but I trusted him. After a few hefty bills, I stopped asking him what he’d been up to at the weekend because his response cost me a good 15 minutes of his not inexpensive time.
A friend did not fare as well with her lawyer, whose poor communication skills merely served to delay the divorce. “I regret not asking divorced friends for their recommendations,” she said afterwards. It is worth taking time to find a lawyer who is a good match for you. Personal recommendations are best, but online directories provide further information and testimonials.
If you can, avoid court, advises Alex Davies of law firm Wedlake Bell. From personal experience, I can say he’s absolutely right. A male friend, who represented himself and grimly regrets it, describes being “shafted because I was too nice”. I remember sobbing in a café in Holborn when my barrister told me to prepare myself for a rough day. “The judge we have been assigned hates women like you,” she said. Yes, really. You tend to forget that judges are human and subjective.
Back when I divorced, in 2012, Davies says some of the more popular separation pathways that avoid sitting in front of a judge were not available. Mediation remains one of the most popular and effective ways to resolve disputes. I am not surprised because there is nothing more nerve-wracking than sitting in court waiting for a judge to decide which of the parties he or she is more convinced by, particularly when it comes to children’s matters. But Davies adds that mediation is not always effective if there is a power imbalance in the relationship. It’s better for couples on more of an equal footing financially.
For others, there is arbitration: a process where both parties hire a private judge to reach a suitable settlement. The advantage of this approach, says Davies, is that it cuts costs by reducing the “griping”. “Couples get to skip court and both parties feel heard,” he says. I think arbitration would have been a much better option for my own divorce and would have cut the ongoing litigation.
Davies favours the Resolution Together approach, where one lawyer is hired to advise both parties. He says this works well for those enviable couples who are able to set about “consciously uncoupling”, think Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. It’s not for everyone, but the idea is gaining popularity amongst those genuinely able to have a two-way conversation.
Now I’m 57, one of the things I do not regret is moving out of the family home and buying a new house for myself and my two boys, who were eight and six at the time. “Many people have a sacred cow which they hold on to because keeping it is perceived to be a win. For women, particularly mums, this is usually the family home, and for men, it’s the pension. It takes courage to step aside and look at the best way to separate assets,” says Davies.
And that is where a wealth manager comes in. They have tools to help with the Form E, a dreadful document which requires you to anticipate all future expenditure. You are expected to know how much you will spend on bills, holidays and even Christmas presents. A wealth manager takes away much of this stress.
Charlotte de Vries, director of EXE Capital Management, works alongside a client’s legal team, using tools that forecast what your financial life will look like after divorce. Her firm also provides a divorce coach helping clients establish realistic budgets, understand post-divorce finances and make decisions with greater confidence during the emotionally demanding time.
De Vries explains that many people overlook the pension when dividing assets. “In the past, discussions often revolved around the marital home, but divorcing couples are increasingly recognising that pensions can be among the most valuable assets in the marital estate.”
Lawyers and wealth managers aside, I would focus on looking after yourself. Many people underestimate how devastating divorce can be. Davies believes his female clients fare better than many men because they tend to have a network of supportive friends.
Lack of peer and accessible support when he was getting divorced inspired Andrew Heath to set up DivorceStrength.com, a website aimed at helping men to regulate their emotions through the break-up. The serial entrepreneur works with a growing network of solicitors to reach men in need of help during divorce. “When we become super stressed, our cognitive abilities diminish,” he explains. “This can lead to terrible choices. My course is designed to offer a simple set of tools to help men get through the process to make better decisions for the future.”
Although my female network was invaluable in the early stages, I confess to cajoling friends to join me in pubs and clubs to avoid spending child-free weekends alone. I briefly did online dating because friends of mine said it was “healthy to put yourself out there”. Admittedly, it took me five years to bother going online and just five months to stop because I found it tedious.
Some people jump straight online within hours of deciding to divorce. Having comforted friends over unsatisfactory dates or the indignity of ghosting, my view is that whilst attention boosts a shattered ego, online dating is a dangerous place for someone recovering from the emotional battering of divorce.
I am sticking my neck out to suggest that divorcees could probably do with time alone to rebuild their lives and work out what they really want before plunging into the dating pool. Do not underestimate the time it takes to get back on your feet.
If I had my time again, I would prioritise cutting back on alcohol, eating good food, sleep and exercise. It took me 10 years to realise I could spend a kid-free Friday or Saturday night in pyjamas on the sofa without needing to rally the troops for a night out. I stopped drinking in December 2024, and started yoga, weight training and extending my dog walks. Do believe me when I say the paperwork that comes with divorce, particularly the dreaded Form E, is much better tackled without a hangover.
Tips for divorcees
Online directories such as Legal 500 and Chambers & Partners will help you find a lawyer, but do ask around for recommendations. Ask friends and colleagues to recommend wealth managers. There are directories such as Findawealthmanager.com but it relies on paid advertising. Search for a qualified counsellor with a professional register like the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy or the Counselling Directory. Men can visit DivorceStrength.comHence then, the article about i divorced my husband in my 40s here s what i wish i d done differently was published today ( ) and is available on inews ( Middle East ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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