Whether you’ve been with your partner for a few months or married to your spouse for decades, relationship dynamics can be complicated—especially during conflict.
When a couple disagrees on something, or if one person does something that upsets the other, emotions tend to run high, which can lead to saying things we regret. And if you’ve ever said something in the heat of the moment that you didn’t mean, you know how harmful that can be to the person its aimed at. It’s hard to unhear or forget certain things a significant other says to you, which can lead to resentment and a breakdown in the relationship.
In fact, there is one “toxic” phrase that relationship psychologists observe a lot of couples using with each other—and they are begging them to stop.
To learn more, we spoke with Dr. Noël Hunter, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and director of MindClear Integrative Psychotherapy, and Dr. Noosha Niv, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, the founder of Tools4Families and an associate research psychologist at the UCLA Department of Psychiatry.
Curious to find out the toxic phrase psychologists want couples to stop using, as well as the healthy phrases they think more people in relationships should use? Keep reading.
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The ‘Toxic’ 7-Word Phrase Couples Should Avoid, per Relationship Psychologists
The toxic phrase that Dr. Hunter and Dr. Niv agree couples should stop using is: “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t…”
A few examples of this phrase include:
“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t spend so much time with your friends.” “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t tell me what to do.” “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t have been late.”Why is “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t…” so toxic?
This phrase “is problematic in a relationship because it sets up your partner to fail,” Dr. Niv tells Parade.
“The expectation that someone can read your mind and know your wants and needs rarely goes well,” she explains. “This belief also assumes that your partner only shows love in the one ‘correct’ way you want to receive it, when in reality, they may love you deeply but have different ways of showing it, have forgotten to do it or never even knew it was important to you.”
Dr. Hunter adds that “setting up binary ultimatums like this may inadvertently create a dynamic where the partner is constantly having to prove their love,” which is not sustainable.
“Everyone is flawed, everyone makes mistakes and people are going to miss the mark from time totime,” she shares. “This doesn’t mean that the person has stopped loving or caring for you. It means they are human.”
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3 Other Toxic Phrases That Psychologists Want Couples To Stop Using
Experts warn against the following phrases as well.
1. “I shouldn’t have to tell you what I need, you should just know”
“Um, yes you should,” says Dr. Hunter. “No one can read another person’s mind, nor should they be expected to. Healthy relationships are all about communication and compromise. Testing someone to see if they can get it right, which is what this line of thinking inevitably is doing, just paves the way to the eventual ending of the relationship.”
2. “You always…” or “You never…”
“These phrases inevitably end with a criticism, which is a key predictor of relationships failing,” Dr. Niv states. “If your goal is to communicate and actually be heard, starting a conversation with a criticism isn’t going to get you there.”
3. “Why don’t you just get help?” or “You need to talk to someone”
“Those who have a partner struggling with mental health symptoms, such as depression, often beg, plead or even give ultimatums to get their partner to get help,” says Dr. Niv.
However, this approach often backfires.
“Decades of research on behavior change show that the more we try to convince someone to do something they’re ambivalent about, the less likely they are to do it,” she explains. “They actually become more resistant to it!”
Related: 13 Ways To Grow Stronger as a Couple—According to Relationship Expert Dr. John Gottman’s Advice
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4 Healthy Phrases That Psychologists Think Couples Should Use More, Especially While in Conflict
Whether you notice you use a lot more negative phrases than you’d like to admit, or you just want to show more appreciation for your partner, here are some healthy phrases to add to your rotation.
1. “I really appreciate…”
“What tends to foster growth within a relationship is to reinforce what you appreciate about your partner rather than constantly criticize what you don’t,” says Dr. Hunter. “People are motivated to do more of something when they receive positive feedback.”
2. “I feel…”
When your partner does something you have a problem with, instead of criticizing them, Dr. Niv says you should start the conversation with something like, “I feel X when you do Y. I’d really like Z.”
“If it’s important to you, communicate what you want and how it would make you feel. Focus on the specific behavior rather than their love for you to minimize defensiveness,” she advises, adding that this approach “is more likely to be heard and get you the result you’re hoping for.”
3. “Let me take some space before I respond to that”
“Taking space is not an affront to the other person,” says Dr. Hunter. “Rather, it is a wise strategy to be sure that you’ve had some time to think things through and regulate before engaging in conflict with another person.”
Instead of talking in circles for hours until a conflict is resolved, it can be worth pausing. Then, take some time to consider: “How much is this worth it? How much is this reaction about me rather than my partner? What do I really want to say and how can I avoid saying something I’ll regret tomorrow?”
4. “What do you need?”
“Our current culture promotes so much focus on self-care, individual boundaries, and ensuring that your emotions and needs are constantly attended to, but falls massively short on building empathy and caring for others,” says Dr. Hunter. “Relationships are about caring and trying to meet each other’s needs. In healthy partnerships, the more you care about the other, the more likely they are to care about you. No criticism or nagging necessary.”
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Sources:
Dr. Noël Hunter, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and founder and Director of MindClear Integrative Psychotherapy. Dr. Noosha Niv, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist, founder of Tools4Families and associate research psychologist at the UCLA Department of Psychiatry.Hence then, the article about relationship psychologists are begging couples to stop using this toxic 7 word phrase was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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