Each generation likes to complain about the one that went before them and boomers often get a particularly bad rap. Especially when it comes to their parenting style. The accusations are that they used too much tough love (including the occasional smack), subjected children to long car journeys with no water or snacks, let older kids drink wine at the table… the list goes on.
Of course, we can’t say all boomers were the same, but when it comes to my own parents, I know they were way more hands off than I am with my own children. They certainly didn’t put parenting at the centre of their lives. It didn’t become the definition of who they were.
They often told me to go and “entertain myself”. There was no wriggle room, or conversation to be had around rules they set like bedtimes. If I came downstairs after this time, I wasn’t offered snacks or extra stories. The tone in their voice told me not to come down again.
Our parents grew up in different times. Post-World War 2, they grew up with scarce resources; their lives were harder and less comfortable; kids were “better seen, not heard” and there was more of a hierarchy in terms of adults versus kids (none of the gentle parenting that is fashionable).
They were so hands-off that my youngest sister used to sleep with a hamster in bed; I’m not sure that was healthy (for her or the hamster). When we moved in with my grandparents, my dad and I shared a room – he would type and smoke a pipe while I slept.
Mum describes her parenting approach as being a “good enough” parent. She worked full time; travelled a lot (went on a brigade to Cuba, then Nicaragua. Politics was important to her and we were always reminded of how others were a lot worse off).
Both my parents were strict but didn’t seem to worry about this strictness. Maybe they felt less guilt because they’d come from a context where their parents were even stricter. My dad regularly grounded me once I got into my teens, which occasionally meant locking me in my bedroom. This sounds bad, but grounding was relatively common for my peers (it also meant I spent a lot of my formative years climbing out of windows).
The older I get, the more I feel I can learn from my boomer parents. Here are just some of the things I’ve integrated into my own parenting style.
Boredom is good
This is a biggie. With digital devices always at the ready and wall-to-wall kid-centric content, the concept of “boredom” has become rare. I also feel like many kids think it’s our job to come up with plans for every day. I don’t know how many times (especially in the summer holidays) I remind my kids that I spent huge amounts of time doing nothing. That it isn’t normal to go to activities every day or expect to be taken out somewhere nice.
In my childhood summers, I would spend whole days making mud pies. This sounds like something prehistoric people would do but it required no money and no intervention from my parents. I’d head into the garden with a bucket of water (no sunscreen, of course).
The next day, I’d revive the activity by counting ants on the mud pie. I’m not romanticising the neglect many of us endured during the long summer weeks, but I know those mountains of time helped build my imagination. Later, as a teen, I spent hours staring at a poster of the singer Michael Hutchence and invented an entire romantic narrative around our future relationship.
Our parents let us be bored. It was good. I know it’s hard now because we weren’t in a context where there were always more colourful, joyful alternatives on offer.
You don’t have to engage with them all the time
There is often this sense amongst parents that their role is to entertain their kids. I see this in the local park (where I spend 90 per cent of my life). The boomer grandparents tend to sit on a bench and watch their grandchildren playing, hopefully finding a playmate of a similar age. Of course, if they’re tiny then they’ll push them in the swing – but not as they get older.
I remember taking my youngest to the park (she’s seven) and I told my mum that I was so tired of playing with her. “It’s not your role to play with her all the time,” she said, “she’s better off playing with other kids.” There is, of course, balance. But the ideal outcome is that your kid finds someone their own age to play with, I feel. This helps with their social skills.
My own childhood was spent with kids in parks with no adults at all. I was allowed far more freedom which isn’t available to kids now (I often wonder why as the world isn’t more scary than it was in the 80s). If you enjoy always being engaged with your kids, then ignore this advice, of course. I am getting on a bit so I find it tiring.
‘I definitely fell into the trap of offering alternatives to my youngest because she’s fussy, and this was making her eating habits worse,’ says Anniki (Photo: Anniki Sommerville)It’s not your role to prepare 100 different meals
This is something that I definitely can get behind – and was a regular boomer parenting mantra. We never had alternatives offered at mealtimes. If your kid has allergies, it’s obviously different. And don’t force kids to eat things they hate.
But I definitely fell into the trap of offering alternatives to my youngest because she’s fussy, and this was making her eating habits worse. Now me and my partner try to do one dinner for everyone and adapt a little (i.e. you don’t have to eat all the greens but at least some). I remember my own parents telling me that if I didn’t eat my food, I could “go hungry”. This sounds extreme but it worked.
The thing I am much less rigid about is snacks. I feel like parents in general have moved to a regime where snacks are always available and we have them falling out of our bags at all times. Same with water. This is a societal shift, stemming from capitalism and the idea that we can’t ever be uncomfortable or a bit hungry or thirsty. My parents never had water bottles. I don’t remember being thirsty. Maybe it was cooler back then too?
Don’t beat yourself up if you get something wrong
I had a conversation with a millennial dad recently, and he was so hard on himself. He told me that he loses his temper or feels annoyed when his kids make a lot of noise. He clearly thought this was terrible and he was a bad person. I could see how stressed he was with this inbuilt belief that parenting should be 24/7 joyful and that it was wrong to get overwhelmed.
I’m no zen yoda but I will say that my boomer parents didn’t seem to be as guilt-ridden as us. When I talk to my mum about the things that went on, she argues that it made me and my two sisters resilient. Obviously, shouting all the time isn’t good – she didn’t do this, to be clear – but they also didn’t fill themselves with guilt if they did.
When I’m angry and shout at my kids, I later apologise and explain why. This is something my boomer parents didn’t do. Their emotions were a mystery to me. This arguably meant I spent some of my life feeling like I was responsible for their mysterious moods. I’m trying to be a little less mysterious, but also we could probably do with cutting ourselves some slack.
I think generally the consensus is that there is not one generation that has nailed parenting. But I do see how my parents succeeded in many ways: “I don’t think I screwed you up too much,” my late father joked to me years ago. He was right. I am OK. I have some childhood trauma, trauma he wasn’t responsible for, but I feel pretty emotionally robust.
And we want our kids to be robust. To be able to navigate discomfort and change. As I get older, I can see that my parents were doing the best they could. This is all we can do as parents. To love our kids and do our very best.
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