I hate going abroad – I’d rather go to Bournemouth than Mallorca ...Middle East

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It used to be easy for British holidaymakers to get away from it all. But now with flight cancellations peaking earlier this year, queues and delays at airports becoming interminable, more and more bureaucracy to navigate and prices rising everywhere, it can feel like leaving the UK for a break is more stress than it’s worth. Yet, for all the extra complications, Brits don’t seem to have been put off from heading overseas.

So, are holidays abroad still worth the hassle? Writer and stand up Ariane Sherine Juniper and travel writers Kash Bhattacharya and Mike MacEacheran give their perspectives.

Are holidays abroad still worth the hassle? No: they’re nothing but cost, stress, faff and fuss.

Stay in the UK and you won’t need a passport or a visa. You won’t have to worry about plane cancellations or delays, travel insurance or vaccinations. There’s no paperwork, no bureaucracy, no doctor’s letter necessary for controlled drugs. There won’t be any massive queues or European customs officials doing everything but look at your passport to punish you for the UK voting Leave. If you want to see the seaside, why not visit Southend?

Full disclosure: I’m dreading going on honeymoon next month. I’m newly married to an adorable astronomy nerd who is desperate to see the August solar eclipse, which means we have to leave our house in safe, comforting London and take a plane to Mallorca.

Another person might be in raptures at the idea of travelling to a paradise island for endless cocktails and lovemaking with their gorgeous spouse. But sadly for me, I am not another person. I have anxiety at the best of times, and never more so than when I’m going abroad. I’m actually confused as to why any Brit would choose to do so, especially right now: it’s sunny here in the UK! Why leave? What is overseas that’s so beguiling?

Is it the giant mosquitoes, like the Asian tiger species plaguing Mallorca, for which you need extra-strong local insect repellent? Furiously itching and scratching is sure to add a frisson to any romantic holiday.

Is it the language barrier? Because I’m not looking forward to having to mangle the Spanish for “nut allergy” and “anaphylactic shock”. That’s putting a lot of faith in Google Translate. Like typical disgraceful Brits, both myself and my husband only speak English, so we’ll probably resort to pointing at pictures of food on the menu. At least we’ll have the good grace to look embarrassed.

It surely can’t be the glamour of flying. I can’t be the only person who, whenever my flight number is called, imagines it becoming famous in future news reports of a disaster. Yes, we all know there’s a one in 11 million chance of dying and we’re safer cruising at 33,000 feet, but that doesn’t stop many people being terrified. I personally can’t concentrate on entertainment on a flight; I’m poised and alert for danger, like a cat that has just spied a mouse. How can I enjoy a film when I might have to don my life jacket at any moment?

Maybe Brits enjoy experiencing hostility towards tourists from locals, or perhaps waiting in long queues. We are a nation of queue-lovers, after all, which is just as well: gone are the days of EU fast-track lanes. Perhaps holidaymakers just like frittering away money on overpriced jaunts and giving local taxi drivers too much cash. Very noble of them to help overseas economies.

I have a passing interest in seeing the solar eclipse, but I bet after all that fuss, we won’t even see the bloody sun disappear at 8:12pm on 12 August. That’s what happened when my husband tried to view the eclipse in Cornwall in 1999.

If it wasn’t for freak planetary alignment and my fear of ruining my blissful marriage to a smart, funny and kind man, I’d have lobbied for a staycation. We had a mini-moon in Bournemouth, and I wish we were returning: it has all the sun, sand and sea you could want, plus I can order a decaf oat milk latte like the poncy Londoner I am.

But no: we’re off to sunny Spain, with all the stress that entails. Seven long, boiling hot days of failing to speak the language while scouting out the best view for an astronomical event which might or might not happen, plus tense hours of fretting about bird strikes and engine failure. I might become one of those embarrassing people who applaud when their plane touches down, if only because I’ll be so relieved to be back home safely.

Learn from my mistakes. Stay in Britain this summer – you’ll thank me.

Perspectives

square Opinion Are holidays abroad still worth the hassle? Ariane Sherine Juniper

I hate going abroad – I’d rather go to Bournemouth than Mallorca

Mike MacEacheran

I’ve visited 130 countries – British tourists are exactly what they need

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