As a lifestyle writer, I’ve explored numerous parenting styles over the years. I’ve realised that I’m not a tiger mum who demands academic excellence (I’m not ambitious enough) or an ostrich parent who downplays difficult emotions (gimme all the feelings).
However, I’ve adopted a mild version of both approaches – either in the spirit of experimentation or in sheer desperation – when I’ve needed to find solutions that work for my child. But now my teenage son has wised up to my tactics and when I try different techniques, he asks: “Why are you being weird, mum? Are you writing an article?” Busted.
Joking aside, the parenting style I consistently default to is one I didn’t know existed until I read about dolphin parenting, a term created by Harvard-educated psychiatrist and author Dr Shimi Kang. “I introduced it in The Dolphin Parent: A Guide to Raising Healthy, Happy and Self-motivated Kids to explain the difference between authoritarian (tiger, shark, helicopter, snowplow) parenting, and permissive jellyfish interpersonal style,” she explains.
As a species, dolphins are known to be attentive, nurturing mothers (males can be violent and don’t deserve the same accolades, but we can’t let half the dolphin population get in the way of a good turn of phrase). On land, dolphin parents of all genders are firm but gentle – they take a balanced approach, setting reasonable boundaries and offering guidance alongside emotional support, as well as room for their children to express their creativity and think critically, and allowing enough freedom to encourage independence.
The basis of dolphin parenting is three daily activities Kang calls “the pod” – an acronym for play, others (social connection) and downtime.
Kang suggests starting with downtime – not for the kids, but for parents. “Before you can be a dolphin parent, you have to self-regulate,” she explains. “Take a few deep breaths before you approach a parenting situation… especially one that’s stressful.” This makes sense – we lead by example, so we can’t expect our kids to respond calmly if we’re raging.
Next, Kang says consider others through connection. “Before you launch into fixing a problem, connect with your child – watch and observe their mood, ask how their day is going, what’s on their mind,” she says. This is about reading the room; if your child seems tired or irritable, let them decompress before firing questions or insisting they tidy up.
Lastly, Kang recommends a “play mindset”, which is about being playful rather than physically playing with them. “Parenting is about learning through trial and error, being adaptable and curious – this approach will help.”
Ashleigh Marsh, a psychological therapist at Harper Psychology in Edinburgh, says that dolphin parenting “is about setting boundaries but being flexible, open and understanding with your child”. This can lead to enhanced communication between parents and children, better problem-solving skills, increased trust and honesty, and improved mental health.
A key factor, says Marsh, is modelling assertiveness – psychology-speak for showing others how to express their feelings, needs and thoughts in a clear, respectful way and without being aggressive or submissive. This is something adults can struggle with, let alone children, so it’s unsurprising that being more dolphin isn’t just useful in parenting contexts – Kang says it can work in the corporate world too.
The drawbacks
Kang believes that dolphin parenting is “our natural intuitive state when we’re not running on the instincts of survival”, which – let’s face it – many of us are. And it can be challenging to apply if it’s not how we were raised, though we can learn it.
“It requires parents to be engaged, emotionally available and to have time to listen to and reflect their children’s thoughts and feelings, which may be difficult for parents who have less time and competing demands,” explains Marsh.
It’s not one-size-fits-all, either. “Children with autism may need more explicit boundaries, clear guidance and direct communication,” Marsh adds.
How I’m raising my son the ‘dolphin way’
Flexible boundaries
Boundaries are pushed and circumnavigated, but they exist. If it’s bedtime and my son asks for another hour, we’ll compromise – he’ll get 30 minutes because he’s socialising with friends or making music, and social bonding and creative outlets are crucial to his wellbeing.
Contrary to concerns that if I give an inch he’ll take a mile, this wiggle room makes him feel heard and his needs met. But he’s still respecting the boundary of a bedtime when I ask.
Collaboration with consequences
I expect politeness and kindness, basic chores, and (most) homework to be completed, but aside from these non-negotiables I focus on discussion and consequences over instruction.
For example: “I’ll clean your dirty clothes if you put them in the laundry bin, but clothes on the floor won’t get washed. It’s your call.”
Encourage independence
As a Gen X child, I was often left to my own devices. There were some close calls, but it’s how I learned to take risks. It’s harder for today’s parents to relinquish control but my fearfulness of the world was making my child anxious.
Now, when my son feels nervous, I encourage him to go to that party just for a bit, to try new activities that take him out of his comfort zone, and to travel alone knowing I can locate him (sadly, I lack a dolphin’s echolocation abilities so use a tracking app, but I don’t stalk him).
Listen so they can learn
I’ve studied counselling and think we’d all benefit from effective listening skills – learning to actively listen has enriched my relationships. Listening and expressing empathy are better communication tools than telling my child what to do or not do.
Rather than controlling their narrative, gentle guiding questions can help children reflect on what’s troubling them, while giving them space to think enables them to analyse and develop insight.
Find the funny
I’m fortunate that my parents taught me to be loving, firm but fair, and that it’s normal to fail. And, if things got tense, they used humour to lighten the mood – as long as it’s not mocking, being playful and relaxed in interactions can take the heat out of situations.
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