I’ve spent the past decade looking forward to retiring and have finally managed it, just to realise that I’ve been mis-sold a dream. My wife spends a lot of time annoyed that I’m not doing the things she asks of me quickly enough. It might be making the sandwiches, it might be changing a lightbulb, but whatever it is, it’s not enough.
The nagging is relentless. I’m spending most of my time planning how to get away from her: I bought a dog just so I can take it on long walks for a bit of peace.
What should I do? I’m 62 and am genuinely considering returning to full-time work. Our son lives overseas and we have a grandchild who we both love, though we’re not involved in their day-to-day life.
Please help!
Yours, Nagged and Disappointed
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Dear Nagged and Disappointed,
What a huge let down this sounds – you’ve worked hard to retire early just to find that your wife has taken on the role of boss, expecting you to do things at her pace. It sounds as if you’re run ragged when really, you want to relax.
I can’t hold her fully to blame though. What are you doing to communicate that you don’t want to change these light bulbs immediately? It always surprises me how many people feel resentful or angry about the way their partner behaves, often long-term, without it crossing their mind to ever tell them. It can be so damaging to relationships because without a crystal ball, your wife might have no idea that she’s doing something wrong. She might even think you’re appreciative of her organisational skills.
If you start communicating your needs and boundaries, then hopefully you can have some constructive conversations about how you want to spend this stage of your life together.
Does your wife know what your dream retirement, that you’ve been picturing over the past decade, looks like? This might be a good place to start: then hopefully she can share her dreams, and you can both build on these together, or negotiate and compromise as so many of us do in our relationships.
I’d also ask you to consider: was your wife an annoyed person before you retired, or has this been a change since you left work? If it’s the latter, I wonder why. Does she struggle to see you sitting around, not doing anything? In her family of origin, were people allowed to relax or were they expected to be constantly productive? Does she come from a family where her mother constantly nags her father and he simply responds? What does she think a “normal” retirement looks like? I’d also suggest that you have a think about the blueprint you’ve seen with your parents: how did your family of origin address difficult conversations? Were they simply avoided and squashed away until resentment grew? Or were people able to negotiate, listen to each other’s viewpoints and empathise with them and come from a constructive place when seeking to find a harmonious way to live together? It’s quite possible that you will both need to compromise: that if you bring understanding to her need for control and your need to be free, then you’ll start enjoying your home life far more.
At 62, this is the beginning of a new chapter for you, and you’re both co-authors of it. Do consider those retirement dreams and how you can bring them to fruition. It is important for wellbeing to maintain social connections and a sense of purpose in the community: now is your time to take up forgotten hobbies, rediscover or explore new sports, look to travel, take up voluntary work or study (the University of the Third Age – or U3A – is well known for its courses).
I would recommend chatting to your wife about how much you want to travel to see your son and grandchild: distance doesn’t have to be a reason to miss out on the next generation, especially if you’re both free to make regular trips.
How clever of you to get a dog, which will also keep you active and is an excellent companion, but how sad your motivation was to get away from your wife’s nagging.
Whether your lack of communication is simply because you have never learnt to express your emotions and needs, or whether it’s because of a fear from childhood of getting things wrong, it is holding back your relationship. Now that you’re spending more time together, it’s more important than ever that this stage of your life is fulfilling for you both. The first thing to do is to start talking and listening so you can both understand each other. Then, in six months, consider if you still want to return to work. Don’t let your motivation be because you, like so many of us, have never learned how to express your needs.
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