Psychotherapists from Sigmund Freud to Esther Perel have long been fascinated by the secrets we keep and the reasons we keep them. Particularly in romantic partnerships, the choice of what to conceal from each other, and when and why we do so, can shed an important light not only on the dynamic within the relationship, but on our own self-construct and deepest fears.
According to recent research, one of the biggest areas of dishonesty in partnerships is financial. Thirty-one per cent of us are keeping the extent of our credit card debt on the down low. Others – nearly one in eight Brits – admitted to conveniently forgetting to tell their other half about the bank balance they’re saving for a rainy day/divorce.
My own lies to my partner are less “white” and more of a Farrow and Ball Beige. Did I really water the plants in the garden while my wife was away and do I really have no idea how they all could have possibly died on my watch? Did I actually leave her special water bottle in the gym, or is it lost and gone forever? And am I actually on my way, or am I still in the shower?
Emotional currency also plays a big part in our secrets and lies – 48 per cent of British couples avoid difficult conversations to swerve arguments, according to data from the Alzheimer’s Society. And then, of course, there’s infidelity. Research shows that one in five British adults have at some point cheated on a partner.
We might tell ourselves that a small lie protects a loved one from a hard truth, but who are we really protecting, and what do the secrets we keep tell us about ourselves? We asked Gen-Z, millennials, Gen X, and boomers to fess up in an attempt to find out.*names have been changed
‘I want to leave my partner, but can’t tell her the truth‘
Fred, 42, partnered seven years, Bristol
“I went on a psychedelic retreat to Amsterdam last year and took magic mushrooms. I had this insane trip, which revealed all sorts of things about my past and why I am the way I am. My partner keeps asking if there was anything about her in the visions and there was: there were big realisations about how toxic she and our relationship is. But I can’t bring myself to tell her so I’ve kept it vague. I think we probably shouldn’t be together but we have kids and I don’t want to do anything rash. I think we should see a couples therapist.
“I feel like I’m burying this secret like I did when I was a kid and was bullied. I didn’t want anyone to know as I felt it made me more vulnerable and I suppose this is the same. I try and deflect questions about the trip by telling her a funny story about something that happened to someone else. If we do therapy, it’ll probably all come out and be worse because I lied.”
‘I lie about what I spend my money on‘
Janet, 55, married to her second husband of 12 years, Northampton
“I never tell my husband how much money I have and I hide what I spend. If he knew how much I had, he’d say it should go on something else – probably something much more boring and practical than a new handbag! I hide money from him so I can spend it on myself. He’ll see these things I buy appear, like a new dress, La Mer face creams and an iPad, and I can see the questions in his eyes but he never asks. I have my little nest egg and he will never know how much is in there.
“I save by exaggerating my household expenses and then putting aside the extra. I know it’s devious. He’s on a good salary now but I had a lot more money than my husband before we got married. I have been in financially abusive relationships in the past and I secured my money in a trust. He knows about this but what he doesn’t know is that he can never be a beneficiary of that money. There are only two beneficiaries, myself and my biological son. Also, I manage our properties and when someone books a long stay and pays cash, well, that goes into my kitty as well. Financial abuse takes its toll; those experiences probably go some way to explain why I’m so secretive about money.”
‘I told my girlfriend I could ski‘
Luke, 22, London, dating for 18 months
“I’m dating a posh girl I met through work at a restaurant in West London. At the beginning of the year, she wanted me to go to Val d’Isère with her and some of her mates. I’ve had a very different upbringing and no one in my family has ever been skiing. I told her I couldn’t get the time off instead as it would have been too cringe to say the closest I’ve ever been to skiing was Snow Zone for a mate’s birthday. I’m used to nodding along with young finance bros at work when they chat about private schools they went to or their luxury holidays. Once a guy asked where I went to school and I made up a name of a place that sounded impressive and said it was in Scotland. I grew up in Milton Keynes!
“When my girlfriend went off on this ski trip, I asked Chat GPT to give me some tips on what to ask her about, so when she was there, I was messaging like “Apres time! Enjoy!” Of course, I was embarrassed she’d find out the truth. I’m not well-travelled like she is, and I worry that if she knew I’m not from a rich family, she’d dump me, or worse, feel sorry for me. She’s asked me to book the time off for winter to go to Courchevel (I Googled it) but I don’t know we’ll be together that long anyway.”
‘I tell my girlfriend I’m going to the gym‘
Ryan, 39, partnered three years, Southsea
“I’ve been seeing a medium for about a year and I’ve not told my girlfriend. She’s very cynical and doesn’t believe in anything spiritual. She works in tech and is all about making sense and finding solutions; she’d take the piss so much. As a man, I don’t think it’s really the done thing to be interested in things like past lives and psychics, but my brother died a year ago and ever since, I’ve been getting signs he’s trying to tell me something.
“I have a card he wrote me on the mantlepiece and on his birthday, I was sitting watching TV and it randomly fell to the floor in front of me. My girlfriend insisted it was the wind but my psychic said it was likely his way of getting my attention. I go to the psychic once a month – it’s an hour session at her house which is in a nearby town. I ask him questions through her and he wants me to reconcile with my parents; then, when we’re talking again, he’ll be at peace. I tell my girlfriend I’m going to the gym and I think I’m getting away with it so far. If she found out I wasn’t at the gym, she’d assume I was having an affair, which is justified because I have had one in the past. Maybe part of the reason I don’t tell her is I like having a secret.”
‘I’ve always fancied my best friend – who is not my boyfriend‘
Jess, 34, in a relationship for six years, London
“I’ve been on and off with one of my close friends since school. We never gave it a proper go but were always snogging or arguing on nights out, and the ‘will they / won’t they?’ lasted over a decade. I’ve massively downplayed our relationship to my boyfriend because I just know he can’t handle it; he’s very jealous, and I don’t want it to be contentious if we hang out.
“We still flirt quite outrageously whenever my boyfriend’s not there, though, and if I ever have relationship troubles, I start fantasising about being with him instead. I also briefly kissed him about a year into my relationship. I’ve had to blank it out. A drunk kiss is just so autopilot for us, and we were smashed. I literally forgot I wasn’t single for a moment. It really didn’t mean anything but my boyfriend would think it did, so I can never tell him. Is it a lie if I haven’t been asked the right question? I will never tell him, but I live in fear that someone else might.”
‘I have a secret Netflix account to hide my TV habits‘
Jax, 28, Brighton, dating two years
“I’m polyamorous so there’s a real openness built into all my relationships, in that they know I’m sleeping with other people, and have no desire to be monogamous. But that doesn’t stop me from concealing certain things from them. The main thing I hide is the fact that I watch kids’ cartoons, consume a lot of game content and read fanfiction. I worry my partners may find it juvenile or cringey. A couple of my partners are serious intellectuals so I can’t deal with their not understanding the appeal.
“It’s comfort content for me, and I prefer to engage with it ‘unobserved’. The books or shows I love are more aimed at kids than people my age. I have a separate Netflix profile on my laptop, so when we watch TV together, they never see my recently-watched shows. I’m sure if we did talk about it, in reality, they’d be understanding, but the fact I’ve left it so long makes it more of a big deal now. I think the lie comes more from personal insecurity than any judgement on their part. But I’m in too deep and maybe with all these partners to share my life with, it’s nice to have something that’s just for me.”
‘My wife’s armpits gross me out‘
Francine, 44, married for 10 years, Sussex
“My wife has always been a feminist and I am too, of course, but about a year ago she stopped shaving her underarms. It really bothers me. Something about dark hair in her pits grosses me out so much and it’s long now and straight, so you can see it like a fringe poking out of her armpits when she wears vest tops. I guess I’m more embarrassed about what other people think when we’re on holiday than what I actually think. As a lesbian, I feel like I should be more accepting, but, sorry – it’s a struggle. I could never tell my wife my real feelings, she’d think I was criticising her body and also be annoyed that I was too conventional. I have started subtly suggesting that she wear a shirt when we go out for dinner on holiday, especially at a resort where everyone’s staring at us as two women with a kid anyway. I say it’s because I love her shirt.”
‘I hate my husband’s cooking‘
Jenny, 75, married 30 years, Brighton
“My husband has a signature dish. I can’t say what it is as I’m worried he’ll read this and know it’s me, but every time he announces he’s going to cook it – about once every few weeks – I have to pretend it’s a big treat, even though I absolutely dread it. He makes such a mess in the kitchen that I have to clean up and the flavours and consistency of this dish is just not nice. I feel terrible admitting this – it’s been years! When my son is over, we have a long-standing agreement from back when he was a teenager that he’ll help me eat it. So I say I’m full and my son offers to eat it off my plate. I don’t think he minds it. I end up spooning more onto people’s plates and insisting everyone else has seconds because the leftovers are even worse! I think the reason behind this lie is my husband does so little around the house, and I’m always nagging him: “It would be nice if you hoovered once in a while, or did the washing,” so I feel like this is his way of ‘contributing’. I can’t fault him for that.”
‘I crashed the car and pretended it was another driver’s fault‘
John, 69, married 26 years, Reading
“I do all the driving in our marriage; my wife can drive, but she prefers me to. But if I’m honest, I don’t think I’ve ever been a very good driver. Recently, I scraped the car against a parked van in the Asda car park. I told my wife someone must have bashed into us while I was shopping. It’s costing us almost £2,000 to fix. She was so cross with this imaginary person, and sorry for me that it happened. I felt mortified and so guilty. The cost means we can’t go on our usual holiday this summer – I can never confess to the truth now, I’m too ashamed. I’ve never lied to her about anything else in all our years of marriage. I wish I’d just said the truth that day and dealt with it. Worst of all, I had to fill out the insurance form with her over my shoulder, so I had to type the lie out as well.”
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