“That’s when it dawned on me,” says Crist, lead author of the anthology The Losses We Keep: Our Journey of Fertility, Loss, and Never Ending Hope. “People don’t really recognize that this is a death. And it’s still grief.”
Pregnancy loss—including miscarriage, stillbirth, and termination for medical reasons—is common, which means someone in your group chat, office, or family has likely experienced it. Someday, you may be the person trying to figure out what to say. Here's what experts, and women who have endured it, want you to know.
Even people trained to handle grief can get blindsided. Jessica Zucker, a psychologist who specializes in reproductive and maternal mental health—and who miscarried alone at home 16 weeks into her second pregnancy, an experience that turned years of theoretical training “corporeal,” as she puts it—launched the #IHadAMiscarriage campaign in 2014 to push back against societal silence surrounding pregnancy loss. She frames what most loved ones get wrong as a “cultural hiccup,” not a personal failing.
What people often don’t realize is that the griever is already locked in a loop of self-blame. Research suggests that the majority of miscarriages are chromosomal and outside a person’s control, Zucker says, but many women still feel guilt and shame in the aftermath—running through their own private list of if onlys. “If I hadn’t had a sip of wine, if I hadn’t had sex, if I didn’t want this so badly,” Zucker says. Phrases like “maybe it wasn’t the right time” or “maybe your body wasn’t ready” only exacerbate those thoughts.
What not to say
The reflex that comes out fastest when someone loses a pregnancy is also one of the most painful: “Just try again.” It assumes a readiness—clinical, financial, emotional—that you almost certainly don’t have visibility into. “We don’t know; they might be done trying,” Kelley says. “Maybe they’re doing IVF and don’t have any eggs left. Maybe they need time.” Some losses also require a waiting period for medical reasons: After a molar pregnancy, for instance, doctors may recommend waiting at least six months before trying to conceive again.
Kelley calls “at least you already have another child” one of the most devaluing things a person can say. “It doesn’t give the respect to the life that was,” she says. “It’s almost like saying to a person, if they lose their mother, ‘Well, at least you have another parent left.’” The same logic applies to people experiencing secondary infertility: the loss of a hoped-for second or third child. Crist watched a close friend go through five rounds of IVF and three miscarriages while trying for a second baby. Her friend’s father told her: You have a perfect son. Why are you doing this to yourself?
Meredith Eades, who is Christian and was working at a church when she had her first miscarriage in 2007, remembers being told: “God needed your baby more than you”—a comment that stung, rang false, and stayed with her.
Even well-intentioned encouragement can overlook how personal and layered pregnancy-loss grief can be. One common misstep: comparing the griever's loss to someone else's eventual happy ending. Zucker cautions against anecdotes like, “I know someone who had five miscarriages and now has three kids.” “We don’t need to talk about other people’s happy endings when this person isn’t currently in their own,” she says.
What to actually say—and do
What helped Crist most after her losses, she says, were the friends who said the least clever thing: “I’m so sorry for your loss.” “As humans, we try to fix everything,” she says. The people who didn’t try—who just said the obvious “sorry” and then kept showing up—were the ones who got it right.
When it comes to offering help, skip unspecific offers like “let me know what I can do.” “That’s just giving me a job to do,” Eades says. The people who actually helped her were the ones who made the decision themselves—dropping off dinner, sending a gift card, showing up to organize the house, or putting away the baby gifts that had already arrived.
A simple “I know today isn’t an easy day, but I’m thinking of you and your family” on what would have been a first Mother’s Day or Father’s Day also goes a long way. “It’s just those little touches you can do,” Crist says.
Don’t forget the partner, either
Reach out to them directly, Kelley advises. After one of her losses, a friend asked if she could check in on Kelley’s husband too. “I felt comforted by people checking in with my partner,” she says, “because it made me feel like I didn't have to fully carry all that for him.”
That kind of support is what tends to outlast everything else. It’s been almost 20 years since Eades' first miscarriage. She has a 12-year-old son now, who arrived after a decade of trying. But she still remembers the people who showed up for her after her losses and acknowledged the grief. "They're the ones who were meaningful to me," she says.
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