Your empathy level is what decides whether you feel closer to someone after a hard conversation or whether you feel like you’re on opposite sides—or, as Elton says, being on the same team vs. “you against me.” Practiced over time, it changes how you show up in every relationship. You can get better at it with practice, and empathy will serve you well: it can help you end arguments faster or avoid them altogether.
Imagine you’re explaining a disagreement to a child. Walk them through what happened, suggests HJ Cho, a clinical social worker in Bridgewater, N.J. Try not to use loaded words, a drawn-out backstory, or language that casts the other person as a villain—and focus on explaining what actually occurred, including how you felt and what you were thinking.
“We’re not projecting; we’re not catastrophizing,” Cho says. “We’re relaying this situation so it can be understood by all.”
Trade places with your partner on paper
Pick a recent interaction that didn’t go well, and write a paragraph about it from your point of view. Then rewrite the same situation from the other person’s perspective—and use “I” statements, as if you actually were your clueless partner or rude boss.
“You put yourselves in their shoes so you’re not just being reactive,” says Eden Garcia-Balis, a marriage family therapist in Los Angeles. The point isn’t to convince yourself that they were right. It’s to discover that more than one thing can be true at once. “Multiple explanations can exist all at the same time,” she says. “You can feel dismissed and they can feel stressed at the same time. And then, when you’re empathetic, you can come up with a solution together.”
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The point isn’t to convince yourself you’re right; it’s to get regulated enough to actually be present with the other person. “When you’re regulated, all systems are online,” Cho says. “That just really allows you to be the best version of yourself.”
Take a 90-second perspective shift
“What am I feeling right now?”
“What do I wish the other person understood about me?”
This is a good way to gain control over your emotions—the first step to building empathy. “Sometimes we just get flooded with emotion, and we want to argue back or show why we’re right,” Garcia-Balis says. “This really helps you take a step back, regulate your emotions, and reflect: ‘What else can be possible?’”
Identify one thing you share
The fix is what she calls psychological closeness. “Focus on aspects in the relationship that will bring you closer,” she advises. That might mean that mid-fight, or before you start having a hard conversation, you remind yourself of something you share with this person: A hardship you endured together; an inside joke; the trip where everything went comically wrong, but you had a blast. Then proceed.
Ultimately, empathy is what lets you stop reacting to your partner and start hearing them. “When you're able to identify that emotion within your partner,” Elton says, “it creates connection and a sense of feeling seen and understood.”
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