Age gaps in relationships can provoke strong reactions – admiration, suspicion, even outrage. For some, they’re proof that love can transcend life stages and social expectations; for others, they raise questions about power, compatibility and long-term stability.
So, do age gaps in relationships matter? James Smith, Julie Burchill and Monika Morgan offer their perspectives.
My Dad was a widower in his mid to late fifties when he met my mum, then in her early to mid twenties, in a local pub in Norfolk. They hit it off and three years later fell pregnant with my older brother Stephen and married in 1984. I arrived three years later, just as my Dad retired aged 65.
With my mum not working and my dad being retired, my childhood was full of time with them. Having both parents available to take me and bring me home from school every day was great. And despite having recovered from prostate cancer and having had two hip replacements, my dad would still try and play football with me in the garden when he could.
I was brought up with very traditional values such as “treat others as you wish to be treated” and “respect your elders”, which I still live by to this day. While we were never a rich family, we also weren’t poor, living off my dad’s pension. There was no mortgage and we had a family holiday every year during school holidays.
At school, I was often asked what it was like to have such an elderly dad but the truth is, I didn’t know any different. My parents’ love for both my brother and I was undeniable, and I never felt embarrassed by my Dad at sports day or anything. I was always just so excited he was there. Most of my closest friends adored my dad and always referred to him as “a legend”. I’ll always remember nipping home to change and freshen up for a night out in town as a teenager and three of my friends were with me. My dad offered them a drink and gave them all a glass of sherry! We were all a bit half-cut anyway and all gave him a kiss on the forehead before we went out.
It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that I started to understand my dad wasn’t invincible and that I’d have to prepare for life without him at some point. He was in his early nineties and had a fall when my Mum and I were out and not been able to get up by himself. We made the decision to adapt the house – hand rails and a seat in the shower – to make life easier for Dad.
As time went on and I got older, more mature and aware of my dad’s age, it made me appreciate every moment I got to spend with him. He never wanted to talk about death or his wishes when he was gone. I don’t know if this was because he didn’t want us to worry, or whether he thought we’d be able to do stuff like pick songs for his funeral off our own back.
He went into heart failure in early September 2020, and the only thing I vividly remember him saying to me was that he didn’t want to die in hospital. My family all respected this and when given the option for him to be taken to hospital, we declined. He passed away peacefully later that evening at the age of 98. My mum has found it tough since he passed as he was the constant presence in the house. Even when he wasn’t able to get out the house as much, he’d always be there when my mum got home from seeing her friends. He never wanted much looking after as he was so independent. He would still clean the car and mow the lawn even in his early nineties. It wasn’t until his last few days that he required help getting to and from the bathroom, in and out of bed or putting his socks on.
Having parents with a 35-year age gap taught me that age is just a number and shouldn’t be a factor in relationships that are built on true love. But I can understand why it might be viewed as selfish from a parenting perspective, that an older parent is more likely to pass on when the child is young. Or that the younger partner may be viewed as being in the relationship for the wrong reasons, such as financial gain.
I can assure you this couldn’t be further from how my parents were when my dad was alive – and I feel extremely grateful to have spent as much time as I did with him.
Perspectives
square Opinion Doe age gaps matter in relationships? James SmithMy dad was 35 years older than my mum – it meant I got two stay at home parents
Julie BurchillPeople think I’m my husband’s mum – so I snog him in public
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