Before Baby Reindeer came out, I always used to write in public places – cafés, libraries, and so on – because I liked soaking in the atmosphere of the people around me. Since Baby Reindeer was released, that has changed significantly. Going out in public now comes with a thousand caveats. I feel especially self-conscious writing in public, because the vast majority of people have seen Baby Reindeer and know what I do. So now, most of my writing happens either on set, in edit suites or at home in my spare room in north London.
My earliest memory of writing was when I was very young. In fact, it could be the earliest memory I have. I wrote a book called Felix the Furball, which was about a furball that was always getting blown out of the house. I cannot remember much more about it than that, but I was completely obsessed with it. I would go to my dad’s computer and just button-bash for hours on end – not entirely unlike how I write now, in fact. It all came crashing down one day when my dad’s computer got a virus and he threw it out, without warning. I cried for weeks on end because my life’s work had vanished. I must have been around five years old at the time, maybe younger.
In a lot of ways, I feel most writing is, to some degree, a reflection of self – even when it’s fictional, as my new BBC drama Half Man is. I truly believe that any artistic endeavour is an extension of someone’s vision of the world – or of life, or of how they see people – or how they want to make sense of themselves inside it.
That said, it’s a very difficult art form – especially inside the television process. The deadlines, the pressure, the sheer number of voices and expectations to navigate. On top of that, you still have to find something that feels singular and true to your own voice. So, there’s a lot to contend with, and it can be hugely challenging. But I suppose that is what I like about it too – because when it works, it feels all the more gratifying for what it has taken to get there. I’m a big believer in perseverance and determination leading to a profound sense of personal satisfaction in the end.
So, I always make sure to keep whatever project I’m working on close to my heart – for the benefit of everyone involved. I genuinely sacrifice my life for my projects, and so I have to feel creatively enabled throughout otherwise, what is the point?
All the same, though, it did feel right to root this story in the country I grew up in. I love the identity of Scotland on screen, how it looks, the accent, the people – everything about it. From an artistic point of view, Glasgow has undergone significant change over the years, too – from a city that was often deemed violent in my youth, to one of the UK’s most formidable cultural hubs.
Neither Niall nor Ruben is based on anyone, but both are born out of certain psychologies that, I would guess, we all recognise in certain men. Most people will have encountered – even fleetingly – someone like Ruben: damaged, repressed, prone to angry and/or violent outbursts. And they will certainly have encountered someone like Niall, who appears quiet and honest at first, but who harbours a more devious or insidious side.
For me, the series isn’t about toxic masculinity. It’s more about male existence and repression – about internal brokenness and hard-wired expectations. I’m sure people will pull that phrase from the show, but ultimately, at its core, it’s a complicated human story of two boys growing into men and struggling to come to terms with themselves – and, moreover, struggling to love one other.
Initially, I didn’t intend to be in Half Man. It was Jamie Bell who first suggested it when I went to LA to persuade him to be in it. I’d always wanted Jamie for the role of Niall. I don’t actively think of actors while I write, but he kept popping into my head every now and again as I was fleshing out Niall. I cannot really explain it beyond two things: a) I think he is a generational talent, and b) he just kept resurfacing in my mind, again and again, as I wrote. Maybe it was the film Hallam Foe, which I loved, where Jamie played another Scottish character. But either way, when I have an artistic itch, I need to scratch it – and I suppose he needed to scratch his, too, when he asked me to be in it alongside him.
I knew I needed to change physically if I was going to be believable as the embodiment of male violence and rage. I knew I had to transform everything about myself – from how thin I wasas Donny Dunn in Baby Reindeer to how big I am now as Ruben Pallister in Half Man. I trained for about a year, six days a week, sometimes twice a day, in the lead-up to filming. I still wanted to be bigger than I was, but I did what I could with the time I had. I worked with a nutritionist and a personal trainer and followed a strict routine and diet. It’s remarkable what the body can do.
They watched Baby Reindeer the moment it came out – God knows what that was like for them – and they’ve always been incredibly supportive and non-judgemental. I would not be where I am today without them. Felix the Furball, aside…
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