Going out in public now comes with a thousand caveats. I feel especially self-conscious writing in public, because the vast majority of people have seen Baby Reindeer and know what I do. So now, most of my writing happens either on set, in edit suites or at home in my spare room in north London.
My earliest memory of writing was when I was very young. In fact, it could be the earliest memory I have. I wrote a book called Felix the Furball, which was about a furball that was always getting blown out of the house. I cannot remember much more about it than that, but I was completely obsessed with it.
Since then, I’ve kept diaries at various points in my life – especially during periods of hardship. I find they can help ground you in times of crisis. And while I’ve never gone back and read them (I can imagine they would make for some difficult reading), I surmise that they might be an interesting time capsule, of sorts, to look back on.
That said, it’s a very difficult art form – especially inside the television process. The deadlines, the pressure, the sheer number of voices and expectations to navigate. On top of that, you still have to find something that feels singular and true to your own voice. So, there’s a lot to contend with, and it can be hugely challenging.
And whatever pressure and expectation I felt following Baby Reindeer are nothing compared to the pressure I’ve put on myself these past two years to make Half Man as good as it possibly can be.
So, I always make sure to keep whatever project I’m working on close to my heart – for the benefit of everyone involved. I genuinely sacrifice my life for my projects, and so I have to feel creatively enabled throughout otherwise, what is the point?
And while I grew up in Scotland, my upbringing differed greatly from the one shown on screen. I grew up in a much smaller town than the one Ruben and Niall grow up in. The characters in Half Man live in a more populated, urban environment, whereas I grew up in a tiny little town with one shop and a bus that came around once a year in June. My childhood was far more insular than theirs.
Neither Niall nor Ruben is based on anyone, but both are born out of certain psychologies that, I would guess, we all recognise in certain men. Most people will have encountered – even fleetingly – someone like Ruben: damaged, repressed, prone to angry and/or violent outbursts. And they will certainly have encountered someone like Niall, who appears quiet and honest at first, but who harbours a more devious or insidious side.
For me, the series isn’t about toxic masculinity. It’s more about male existence and repression – about internal brokenness and hard-wired expectations. I’m sure people will pull that phrase from the show, but ultimately, at its core, it’s a complicated human story of two boys growing into men and struggling to come to terms with themselves – and, moreover, struggling to love one other.
Initially, I didn’t intend to be in Half Man. It was Jamie Bell who first suggested it when I went to LA to persuade him to be in it. I’d always wanted Jamie for the role of Niall. I don’t actively think of actors while I write, but he kept popping into my head every now and again as I was fleshing out Niall.
I cannot really explain it beyond two things: a) I think he is a generational talent, and b) he just kept resurfacing in my mind, again and again, as I wrote. Maybe it was the film Hallam Foe, which I loved, where Jamie played another Scottish character. But either way, when I have an artistic itch, I need to scratch it – and I suppose he needed to scratch his, too, when he asked me to be in it alongside him.
View oEmbed on the source websiteI knew I needed to change physically if I was going to be believable as the embodiment of male violence and rage.
I knew I had to transform everything about myself – from how thin I was as Donny Dunn in Baby Reindeer to how big I am now as Ruben Pallister in Half Man. I trained for about a year, six days a week, sometimes twice a day, in the lead-up to filming. I still wanted to be bigger than I was, but I did what I could with the time I had. I worked with a nutritionist and a personal trainer and followed a strict routine and diet. It’s remarkable what the body can do.
They watched Baby Reindeer the moment it came out – God knows what that was like for them – and they’ve always been incredibly supportive and non-judgemental. I would not be where I am today without them. Felix the Furball, aside…
Styling: Amanda Blackwood @amandablackwoodstylist
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