I consider it self-growth that at age 31, I am starting to accept that men I go on dates with will casually tell me they think they, too, might just have ADHD. When pressed on why this is, they describe a couple of traits anyone is prone to, like being high-energy or getting distracted. I find this irritating because I really do have ADHD. And I can assure you that I was not so flippant about my diagnosis 10 years ago which changed my life, and helped me make sense of its defining feature.
There’s a new phenomenon I’ve encountered on the dating scene over the last few months – men who define themselves as “neurospicy”. It’s meant to be a cute, fun way of saying neurodivergent. Social media is full of slang words but there is a risk they minimise the impact of conditions. In my experience with men, it often goes hand in hand with being ethically non-monogamous or demisexual. It can be used to give licence for poor behaviour – a guy I dated once told me he could only meet me if other plans fell through, because he was “neurospicy”.
Now, I don’t doubt that some of these people really are neurodiverse, and perhaps they find it easier, more casual perhaps, to use a slang word to describe their condition. Like somehow it’s “less of a problem”.
But “neurospicy” is also a way of claiming to have a serious condition, like ADHD, without going to the trouble of getting a formal diagnosis, or defining exactly how you are neurodivergent. What would a doctor do with the word “neurospicy”, except perhaps prescribe a long walk and suggest some time off TikTok?
Sure, if you procrastinate or sometimes feel overwhelmed or nervous around other people – it could be a sign you’re “neurospicy”. But it could just also be a sign that you’re not exempt from human frailty. I would never say I thought I had chronic fatigue if I just got tired easily.
This trend is partly driven by the well-documented phenomenon of ADHD overdiagnosis. A Government-commissioned review last week looked at why rates have risen so fast in recent years. It suggested part of the reason is that children and young adults can be “incentivised” to get diagnoses, and that traits once considered normal are now considered indicators of neurodiversity. Indeed, one private psychiatrist told me he just fulfils most of their patients’ requests for diagnosis because the definition is so hazy now, he might as well “just give people what they’re paying for”.
And then there’s the number of people who self-define as ADHD. One dating profile I saw recently said “I probably have ADHD”. Just look online and you’ll find posts stating “I’m super ADHD today”. It reduces the seriousness of how society sees and potentially treats the condition.
I have far from the most debilitating ADHD, but even for me, it can affect every aspect of my life.Friends take bets on how late I’ll show up to meet them. I lose focus, I miss my tax return deadlines. Before I got a handle on it, I was known to introduce a form of self-punishment. If I missed a university deadline, for example, I would force myself to donate money to campaigns I disliked like the US gun rights or anti-abortion lobby. My usual forfeit – giving money to causes I support like an animal charity – wasn’t a strong enough incentive.
There’s a part of me that wants to depart from the cool, breezy energy I’m supposed to bring on a first date, and make these men prove they have ADHD. But that would not begin to stem the broader tide of people typecasting their brains.
We seem to invent categorisations, only so we can defy them.
As someone who has ADHD, I wouldn’t dream of putting it on my dating app profile. Not because I’m trying to hide that I can be scatty, or that my bedroom might be a mess should my date ever see it. But because my “neurospiciness” is something that’s all too real for me – and something personal. I manage it, so someone I’m seeing doesn’t have to. Sorry, but having ADHD isn’t something you casually drop in among flirty answers on Hinge.
So men, when we meet on a date – just think before you tell me you’re “neurospicy”. It doesn’t make you more interesting – it just makes me question who you really are.
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