Manosphere. The buzzword of the moment. I can’t tell you the number of conversations I’ve had in the past week when the subject inevitably turns to Louis Theroux’s documentary, and the fears of doing the right thing in terms of raising functioning, kind, and unselfish humans, especially boys.
I confess, I’ve not watched it. And I didn’t get past half of the first episode of Adolescence either… yes, I know, it’s practically blasphemy. But in the day job I tell these stories routinely, and for me it’s just too much to come home and watch a dramatised version of the darkness.
My son Alfie is 8, and I must confess that I probably worry more about dropping the ball with him than his sister. I went to an all-girls school, so I feel like I’m a bit more prepared in terms of just how low girls can make you feel: for the myriad ways their emotional manipulation can honestly make you feel like you’ll never claw your way out of the darkness. So I’ve always tried my hardest to raise Florence in a way that she learns the emotional resilience needed to brush off manipulation. But I’m also extra mindful that she doesn’t ever become one of those girls who made my life feel so bleak in parts.
But when it comes to Alfie, I genuinely worry that there are so many hurdles, both known and unknown, ahead for boys and men that I have no idea if how we’re raising him will ever be enough to beat back the darkness that hides in plain sight on the internet.
Just like with his sister, we’re also teaching him emotional resilience, emotional maturity and kindness – men are often judged according to their success in work, life, and love, but a kind man is worth his weight in gold – to deal with the usual ups and downs of life. But I guess in a way we’re also preparing him to deal with the mean-boys… which I suppose is what the manosphere is really: the collective noun for mean-boys in all their forms.
Now, look, I know that there’s a lot to say about the Government’s role in all this in terms of legislation and the curriculum, but there should also be conversations about the role parents can play. This week’s rare verdict, where a jury held Meta and Google accountable for their role in fuelling a young woman’s mental health crisis shows that the immediate trust we had in that once-fun thing called social media has ended up destroying lives. So rather than ignoring the warnings that so many people have given over the years, we should perhaps be taking heed.
I’m by no means saying it’s easy, because it’s not. I have two very opinionated kids (shocker) who don’t always like the decisions we make, but we explain to them in detail why. And usually, they eventually get it. They’ve not had access to YouTube Kids for years, since I read a few reports and scientific investigations into the possible addictive impact of children watching a large number of short videos at a young age, and its impact on attention span. So I deleted the app. It didn’t go down well at first, and yes there were a couple of short tantrums (withdrawal, maybe) but I explained why and left them to calm down.
The easier option would be to swerve it, let them watch what they want, and deal with the consequences later on in life. But as far as I was aware, parenting isn’t a popularity contest, it’s basically a lifetime spent making unpopular choices. Which, it turns out, isn’t actually that fun. But it’s kind of our job. I’ve written before about my attempt at”‘gentle parenting” methods.
I’ve come across so many parents who want to curb their kids watching endless videos online or want their kid to cut down on Roblox, but profess it’s just too hard to get them to do it. At that point, the Jamaican in me just starts screaming and cussing (in my head, obvs).
I’m not the disciplinarian that my parents were with me, but I’ve taken elements of their parenting to use with my two. I’m tough, but I’ll always explain why. And I’ll always reference the research I’ve read to explain my decisions… I know it might sound weird, but I like them to understand that the decisions are backed up by data and numbers. Not something mum’s made up in her head. Lol.
Look, Alfie might turn around to me in 20 years and tell me that all of the above was nonsense, that he was ill-prepared to deal with the worst of society, and that our decision making was rubbish. But luckily, you’re never too old for a cussing from your mum.
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