In the UK, it is estimated that 42 per cent of marriages end in divorce, with 60 per cent of them being initiated by women in heterosexual relationships.
Reasons cited for separation often include drifting apart, financial disagreements, adultery and incompatibility, but what are the signs that a marriage is over?
Relationship coach David Chambers and divorce lawyer Ayesha Vardag offer their perspectives, as well as an anonymous woman who writes about having an affair.
As a divorce lawyer for the past quarter of a century, I’ve heard stories of countless breakups.
Sometimes a man has found another woman. Usually younger, childless. Someone who makes him feel he can recapture a younger version of himself before the joint stresses of life and obligation take the shine off his marriage.
Sometimes the woman has found someone she feels really sees her, is kinder to her and values her in a way her husband doesn’t anymore. Or she has the confidence in herself to feel that she deserves that and she wants to clear the way to try to have it.
Sometimes there is violence or cruelty. Sometimes there is just a quiet, hidden, sullen resentment that kills sex and love and makes both parties feel alone.
We’re not simple creatures, and however much TV and social media try to categorise us, very different things make us tick. And there’s no glib formula or Instagram-friendly mantra that can tell you when it’s time to leave your spouse.
I’ve seen women who decide they can live with their husband having affairs, because she knows he wants the marriage, he wants the family, and she feels she can work with that. It’s not unusual that women come to me after tolerating years of infidelity only when the husband starts a parallel family or only when the new woman pushes him to get out.
Because I can tell you that, unlike women who will leave to make a fresh start alone, if a man initiates a break-up, you can bet your life there’s another woman somewhere giving him an ultimatum.
But sex, exclusivity, fidelity – they’re not the only things that hold a marriage together.
Building a business or a career, making a home, a family and a social world together, believing that whatever thrills might come and go, you still see yourselves facing later life side by side together: that can count for more in the long term.
Economic and lifestyle factors can play a part too. Divorce is always a very expensive business – it can be a 50 per cent tax on your entire net worth. Do you want this alternate existence, this new partner, that much? Or can you try to have your cake and eat it? Men with money will usually go for the latter for as long as they can – and put off any dividing of assets.
And then there’s love. Adultery rarely kills love on either side. It just causes guilt on one side and pain on the other, but those are emotions you can get past, or that don’t matter compared to how much you still want to be with the other person.
I had a husband and wife come to see me once where the wife had had an affair, got pregnant and had the other man’s child, confessing all this to the husband. They wanted to keep that child in their family and not let the biological father take the baby away. The husband had forgiven the adulterous wife and wanted to take care of her and her child. She valued the love and commitment he had shown them through it all. They were a case study in love.
Ultimately, it’s unhappiness that kills relationships. When you stop having good times and get used to having bad ones. As human beings, we expect happiness and we don’t tend to put up without it long term. That’s probably as it should be, but often people are too quick to call it a day.
Once you have problems in your marriage, the world becomes full of well-meaning friends and family telling you “get out”, “life’s too short”, “you deserve to be happy”, etc. Social media floods you with posts like “how can you tell you’re living with a narcissist?” and the internet diagnoses your partner with some or other disorder. Don’t listen to any of it.
Listen to yourself. Take quiet time alone. Breathe. Look inside. Let yourself feel. Do you still love your partner, even though they’ve caused you pain and frustration? Do you feel that fundamentally, they love you? Can you see, and want, a life getting older with them, seeing them become less pretty, less strong, but still needing you, still caring for you? Do you see yourself just wanting to be around them, because it’s them, it’s the person you’re closest to, you’ve become part of each other?
If you don’t, then leave. It’s that simple. But make sure you really want to.
Perspectives
square Opinion When is a marriage over? Ayesha VardagI’m a divorce lawyer – there are four questions to ask before you split up
AnonymousMy affair ended my 15-year marriage. I don’t regret a thing
David ChambersI coach men to be better husbands. They’re all making the same mistake
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