I have a male friend from uni days, and his relationship recently ended. He was completely bamboozled. Why had it happened? An affair perhaps, something dramatic for sure, why on Earth had his wife finally had enough?
He went through a list of the things he did each week: “I empty the dishwasher, take the kids to their clubs, I get her a bunch of flowers at least once a month…what more does she want?”
I empathised but also knew (as someone who’s had relationship problems in the past) that there’s often a slow drip of resentment that starts, and if this drip isn’t sorted and is just ignored, well, over the weeks, months, years… women tend to give up. They’re not present anymore. They can’t be arsed to even work on the relationship anymore because they don’t believe anything will change.
Recent Office for National Statistics research found that women are more likely to initiate legal separations in the UK, with women instigating 63 per cent of marriage breakups in 2023. This surprised me as I’d been led to believe from the narratives in popular culture that men were the ones who did the leaving – having affairs or going off around the world on solo motorbike trips. The key reason women left their partners? Well, one report claimed it was simply because they’d “had enough”.
A recent piece for The Cut reported women are ‘quiet quitting’ their marriages – checking out, but not formally separating. I know a few friends who are definitely at this phase – staying with their partners but ploughing their energy into other avenues.
The key reason women get fed up is often the culmination of little things. It’s likely not that different for men, though I’d argue they’re more oblivious and suffer less from the mental load and social pressures. But is there another way? Here’s how to spot the signs your wife or partner is checking out of your relationship, and how you might try and bring her back in.
1. She’s stopped laughing at your jokes. When you feel resentful towards your other half… well, it’s hard to laugh with them. I sometimes notice that women in groups of couples often laugh at a joke but the minute their husband tells one, they simply roll their eyes. Some of this is down to familiarity, but it could also be down to the fact that they’ve checked out and have lowered their expectations of you. Another thing to look out for is vengeful laughing, which is more like a guttural cackle – the sound a woman makes just before she lights the match that sets fire to her husband’s ultra-rare collection of 90s dance records.
2. She doesn’t talk to you unless it’s to ask if you’ve fed the cat. We all go through phases of being fed up and sulking, but if you’ve always had a chatty relationship and now she prefers to read, look at her phone or go to the gym, be on alert. When my partner and I weren’t getting on, I remember we were out once, and a friend asked me about something dramatic that had happened in the office where I worked. My other half looked perplexed because I hadn’t said anything to him. I had withdrawn myself emotionally. It can be difficult to spot if you have kids, as they’re so flipping noisy. I know a lot of women who retreat into silence and their partner doesn’t notice.
3. You feel she only notices the bad things. Women often ask for help by charging around the house shouting and sweeping up piles of mess (or maybe that’s just me when I’m stretched). If they don’t get help – and I mean ACTUAL help – they’ll criticise the people around them. When nothing changes and they still feel they are doing all the work, they will stop talking because they have realised that you are not a source of help and never will be.
However, being criticised is not motivating and doesn’t help people change for the better. If someone just keeps pointing out bad things, then you’re likely to withdraw from them too. “I struggle to say anything nice at the moment,” a friend said to me about her husband. “I just hate every bone in his body.” This wasn’t a conclusion she’d come to overnight. She wasn’t proud of the feeling, either. They’re in couples therapy now and learning new ways to communicate with one another.
4. Things feel very transactional. “I’m cooking, so you’re doing the washing up”; “You went out last weekend, so I’m going out this Saturday” – if the main exchanges you have with your partner are competitive jibes, a game of one- upmanship in terms of who who has done the most or who deserves the next treat, well that’s not a great sign.
Nobody needs to hear what you’ve done. Also, it’s not a competition. It’s just about teamwork and doing as much as you can whenever you can to lighten the collective load. I have friends who are super resentful and tend to disengage from conversation with their partner when it turns into a list of all the things I’ve done.
5. She chooses her friends over you. It can also feel perhaps like you are living completely separate lives. It’s great if you both have social lives and interests outside of the relationship but do you ever spend any time together? And is that quality time? It’s important that you still do stuff together. It’s hard sometimes to prioritise this, especially if you have kids and have to pay for a babysitter. I’m not a massive fan of “date night” – it puts so much pressure on the the whole thing – but it’s definitely important (I’m learning this right now) to prioritise doing things together.
How to win her back
I spoke to psychotherapist and author Anna Mathur, who offered advice for partners who might be worried that their wife has checked out. First up, I asked her why she thinks it happens. “Many women withdraw not because they stopped caring, but because they have felt unheard or unsupported for so long that disconnecting feels safer than trying again. Apathy feels better than hurt; numbness feels easier than loneliness.”
Emotional burnout is a huge factor too: “When a woman has raised concerns repeatedly and nothing changes, she begins to conserve energy by switching off rather than pushing for repair. Invisible labour, carrying the mental load, and feeling more like a manager than an equal partner all contribute to this.”
Mathur says that this feeling often comes after a long period of things not feeling equal: “Quiet quitting is usually the final stage of exhaustion. It is self preservation dressed up as apathy.”
Her first bit of advice is to observe your partner, really notice what is going on, and try and step up in terms of meeting their needs: “The key is to reduce her emotional labour, not increase it. Instead of asking her to spell out what she needs, start by observing what is missing and taking meaningful initiative. This might mean taking on practical load without being asked, repairing your own patterns, becoming more emotionally available, or seeking support.”
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Mathur advises to not be defensive when it comes to trying to create that connection again: “Approach with humility rather than defensiveness. You might say something like, ‘I realise I have stepped back in ways that have left you carrying too much. I am working on changing that, and I want to show you rather than put the pressure on you to explain it’. This communicates responsibility rather than handing her another job to do.”
Interestingly, this is not about booking an expensive holiday – it’s more about showing up every day and showing that you’re willing to repair the relationship and change some of those patterns. “Small but consistent actions matter more than big promises,” Mathur coaches.
Can things be fixed if your partner has checked out? Mathur believes they can: “Quiet quitting can be reversible, but only when the partner takes on the work that has long been left to her.” As a woman that did quiet quit for a while, I can attest that things can improve as long as your partner takes responsibility for some of what’s happened.
I have also got better at not shutting off when I’m feeling resentful. I’ve even been laughing at some of my partner’s jokes. Because the thing is he’s actually pretty funny and cool and also quite handsome. I’d just stopped seeing all that for a while.
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