Not to state the obvious, but parenting is a complicated job with seemingly endless considerations. You have life skills to teach them. You have to watch out for body language red flags in teenagers. There are parenting styles that are best avoided, despite being common. Further, all that (plus more) has to happen while you juggle other important pieces of your life, like spending time with your significant other, holding down a job, maintaining friendships, enjoying your hobbies and fitting in your daily walk (or run, at-home workout or other type of movement). To some extent, we have to prioritize what we want to focus on, both in life and in parenting (which is easier said than done). For example, some parents may want to avoid coming across as controlling, knowing the damaging results it can have (which we’ll explain below). Some parents might also worry that their care and concern for their child could come across as “controlling” to other people when they don’t mean it that way at all.If anything like that sounds familiar, read on. Psychologists explain what it means to be a “controlling” parent, nine habits that make parents seem controlling (even accidentally), their concerns with parents being overly controlling of kids and how to be less controlling as a parent.Related: 9 Mistakes Well-Meaning Parents Make That Child Psychologists Wish They’d Stop
What Does It Mean To Be a ‘Controlling’ Parent?
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Before we jump in, Dr. Pal shares an important consideration: multiculturalism. “We should also consider different cultures, familial expectations and safety before deciding how any of such habits may be viewed on a positive to negative scale," she states.With that said, the following habits are presented respectfully and objectively.
2. Withdrawing affection when kids 'act out'
Parents can also come across as controlling after a child has done something, not just before. But again, reacting with a lack of love isn’t helpful and can even be flat-out harmful. There’s the obvious effect of them not feeling loved or accepted, and that’s not the only concern.“This teaches kids that they are responsible for your emotions, and they might learn to hide their true feelings, or just act ‘right’ in order to gain affection/attention, as opposed to making independent choices,” Dr. Hoffman explains.
4. Excessive monitoring or oversight
Understandably, you may feel a need to constantly check in on your child, monitor their movements or immediately intervene when an issue arises. But again, these behaviors aren’t always as helpful as you may think.“Children may feel distrusted, which can interfere with self-esteem and the ability to take healthy risks,” Dr. Pal says.
6. Using strict rules without flexibility
“My way or the highway” and "my house, my rules" are common phrases, but they're not great ones. Enforcing rules without explanation or space for discussion can come across as controlling, hurting kids both in that moment and down the road. “Children may follow rules out of fear rather than understanding and internalizing values,” Dr. Pal says.While some rules are important to follow—such as looking both ways before crossing the street and being respectful—it’s important to teach kids that they're allowed to ask questions. After all, understanding the rule can help them follow it and stay safe.
8. Encouraging them to ignore their own boundaries
Being nice and inclusive is crucial, but so is allowing kids to have boundaries. For example, they may not want to hug every person who wants to hug them—or at least not every time—and teaching them that’s okay is vital to their safety and well-being.“Instructing them on how to behave socially removes their agency,” Dr. Hoffman says. “Kids can decide who they want to be close to, and they won’t learn to trust their intuition about people if relationships are forced on them.”
9. High expectations paired with low emotional responsiveness
Why Is It Bad for a Parent To Be Too Controlling of Their Kids?
As discussed, “controlling” behaviors can stem from good intentions and real worries. At the same time, Dr. Pal wants you to know that some of these patterns can unintentionally hinder the development of the skills that kids need to become well-adjusted adults. For example, they may struggle with lower self-confidence, difficulty making decisions, reduced resilience (because they’ve had fewer opportunities to make and recover from mistakes), higher anxiety around disappointing others, struggles with autonomy and increased conflict as they seek independence. “The goal is never to blame, but to help parents understand how well-intentioned behaviors may have unintended effects,” Dr. Pal adds.Dr. Hoffman shares similar remarks about how being too controlling can keep kids from learning how to make decisions, trust themselves and learn from their mistakes—all vital life lessons that build confidence and self-esteem. “By trying to ‘protect’ kids from all ‘bad’ situations, parents don’t send the message that [kids] can handle things,” she explains. “Parents need to teach their kids skills for dealing with tough and anxiety-provoking situations, not avoid putting them into them.”
Notice when you’re quick to step in. Can you step back for a moment to let your child try to address the situation, to help them build independence and confidence? Involve your child in decision-making. Helpful phrases include “What do you think would work?” and “Let’s figure this out together.” This helps your child realize you see them as trustworthy, capable and knowledgeable.Co-brainstorm, don’t solve. Sometimes, kids (and people in general) just want to be heard. Other times, they may want advice on how to handle a situation. As mentioned in the point above, help them problem-solve rather than just tell them exactly what to do.Give them some freedom and independence—a little goes a long way. Let them play outside alone, make plans with their friends, wear what they want or pick their activities. Encouragement is still welcome, as is cheering them on.Consider if fear and anxiety are driving your reactions. Acknowledging this can help you reduce reactive overcontrol.Practice allowing natural, age-appropriate consequences. This might look like feeling tired after staying up too late or having a hard time finding something when it’s not in its usual place.Strengthen emotional connection. Be intentional about listening without correcting, validating feelings, offering support instead of solutions and praising effort, persistence and problem-solving.Encourage self-esteem and independence. Phrases like “Good choice!” or “You make good choices” are great to say after the child picks out their clothes or snacks, for example.Remind yourself that there’s more than one good way to do things. It’s okay to do something differently. It’s okay for them to choose a snack you wouldn’t have chosen or get ready in a different order.Consider talking to a therapist. Raising a kid has always been hard, and in many ways, could arguably be harder now. There’s no shame in talking to a licensed mental health professional about it.
Taking these steps may not be easy—especially at first—and you may have to go slow. What it can do for your child and your relationship with them is worth it, though.“Untreated anxiety can have a major impact on your kids,” Dr. Hoffman says. “Model resilience for your kids. Tell them it makes you nervous to let them do certain things, but you are going to do it anyway because it is important, and tell them how you manage your anxiety around it.”By being transparent in this way, you help them learn how to take care of themselves and need less management. Reducing your “controlling”-esque behavior is more helpful than it sounds. Up Next:
Related: People Who Were Raised by 'Lighthouse Parents' Often Develop These 9 Traits as Adults, a Psychologist Says
Sources:
Dr. Ioana Pal, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist at Stramski Children's Development Center at Miller Children's & Women’s Hospital in Long Beach, CA.Dr. Elana Hoffman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist.Hence then, the article about psychologists say these 9 habits make parents seem controlling even when they don t mean to be was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
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