For those dads out there who think they’ve got what it takes to play Santa this Christmas, here are five statistical spoilers to make you think twice and leave home deliveries to the dude in red:
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1. WHEN OUT ON THE ROOF THERE AROSE SUCH A CLATTER …
That’s the sound of you taking a dive. For the record, 11,000 people end up in the emergency room every Christmas due to decorating injuries. And falls from rooftops are the fifth-highest work-related fatality rate in construction. So, unless you’re with Cirque du Soleil, don’t carry heavy loads in high places dressed in a costume.
2. DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY …
To date (bar Myth Busters and The Three Stooges) there are no documented cases of anyone accomplishing this dangerous descent. Although some have made Santa’s naughty list trying:Dec. 10, 2024: A Massachusetts man got stuck in a chimney while fleeing from police. He was rescued and taken into custody.May 9, 2012: A 16-year old in Corpus Christi tried to sneak back into the house after curfew and was rescued.Dec. 15, 2011: An 18-year old in Stockton got stuck in the chimney also trying to sneak back into the house after curfew. Rescued and grounded. Sept. 1, 2010: A Bakersfield doctor was found lodged in her boyfriend’s chimney, several days after she attempted to get inside his home. Not rescued.
3. VISIONS OF SUGAR PLUMS …
Yes, Christmas is all about sweets. And since Santa likes cookies, you’re sure to find a plate of them waiting for you. Before stuffing that cake hole, know that approximately 11.6% of the U.S. population is diabetic and 40.3% are obese. So, splurge at your own risk. 4. FIRST COMES THE STOCKING OF LITTLE NELL …That’s only one name in that song. Remember the other? The human short-term memory span is as little as four items for no more than 30 seconds. Santa’s memory capacity runs in the millions. Name the reindeer.
5. AWAY TO THE WINDOW I FLEW LIKE A FLASH …
Face it: You-are-not-going-up-that-chimney! Your only option is a window or door. Know this: An estimated 32-35% of U.S. households have a security alarm system. And crime during the holiday season increases. So the only flashing in this story will be police lights.
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