A Very Bari Christmas
Things weren’t very festive at old CBS
Yes, spirits were low in Manhattan (the borough)
“We’re dead,” said a wag. “On our house, there’s a pox
“Well,” said another, “we’re fated to lose
“Piss off,” yelled wag one, who didn’t easily embarrass
“You’ll see what we need soon enough,” crowed wag two.
The old days of Cronkite, of Dans Schorr and Rather
There’s a new breed today whose opinions most count
In came Askinasi and Cheeks and Jeff Shell
But even they were subordinate—and just a bit jealous’n
“Listen up!” cawed the chief in his first all-hands Zoom
“Pay attention, Achtung, sit right down and park it
“Oh!” he then added, sounding just a bit cross,
A winner of Pulitzers? A war correspondent?
“Well, no,” David said. “She’s none of those things;
They’re all so old hat! And I sense the nation’s
“What we need is straight thinking. Someone who won’t pause, uh,
She’ll be all over those wokesters just like white on rice
“Well, hi everyone!” Bari said with a smirk.
Here’s a big scoop on which I’ll spare no expense
“I also have sources who say confidensh’ly
Cuz I believe this one’ll spread like warm butter
“Uh … boss,” said a staffer, “those sound … super great
There’s this piece on Tom Homan that looks at him squarely.”
And so things did go, through October, November;
Mike Wallace and Khomeini, Scott Pelley on Tenet,
All started to crumble. I never did count
No—as Christmas approached, the mood wasn’t merry
But there was staff to be shed, a truth undeniable
She had just a certain kind square in her sights
There were some at the Times, a few souls misbegotten,
And on West 57th, the adventure was new each day
“These people,” she told Nellie, “don’t see things through my prism
And surely no serious-minded news juggernaut
At the holiday party, she toasted her triumphs
With dissenters being few now, no one went berserk
So that’s where things stood, at old CBS
And where some heads hung low in Manhattan (the borough)
At the Tiffany Network of Edward R. Murrow.
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