DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 30-year-old cousin is getting married, and my relatives believe she is doing everything wrong.
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The specific crimes my cousin has committed include: investing tens of thousands of dollars into her bachelorette party, wedding and honeymoon (instead of saving for a house and future children); holding the event on a Thursday; inviting out-of-state relatives, but forbidding their children from attending; requesting that guests RSVP using a QR code, included on the mailed invitations; holding the rehearsal the morning of the wedding, in her wedding dress (which her groom will therefore see before the ceremony); and choosing a nonreligious ceremony and officiant.
There are many more alleged faux pas, including the cut of the bride’s gown and the schedule of the hotel shuttle, but the above are the most discussed.
I’ve argued that most of these decisions are up to the bride. But because I’m only 44, a member of an unfortunately “ignorant” generation, my opinions have been ignored.
And so, I appeal to you, Miss Manners — a respectable lady who specializes in etiquette — to determine if these complaints are valid or not.
GENTLE READER: The expression “It’s their day, and they can do whatever they want” has done incalculable damage. It posits that the bridal couple is granted license to ignore the normal consideration due to their relatives and guests.
But your family is having far too much fun critiquing choices that may be silly (oh, dear, now Miss Manners is doing it) but do not impose on others.
How the couple spends their money and chooses an officiant are surely no one’s concern but theirs. Holding the wedding on a Thursday may be inconvenient for some, but it might enable others to get cheaper airfare.
As for the QR code and the children, you could just let them receive the consequences of unanswered and declined invitations. Or a tactful relative — is there one? — could suggest that an alternative way of responding could be added, and that a babysitter could be found to watch any children their parents must bring.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I purchased a new home — hooray!
It’s only 12 minutes down the road from where we currently live with our three young children. We decided to move for many reasons, one being that I like to host.
Once we are settled in our new home in a few months, how do I go about hosting a housewarming party? I’ve never attended one and don’t know the etiquette. Is it like an open house? Do I mix friend groups? Should I serve finger foods, plan a sit-down dinner or have a barbecue? Are there certain activities associated with a housewarming?
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Dear Abby: I got an anonymous message about my new husband, and I’m so rattled Asking Eric: How do I evict the person living rent-free in my head? Harriette Cole: I just want them to admit the truth about my childhood Miss Manners: I want to sit with the fun kids but not hurt my boring friend’s feelings Dear Abby: My ex’s family doesn’t believe he’s my kid’s father. What should I do?I don’t want it to come off as showy or as a gift grab, so I want to do it right.
GENTLE READER: Then don’t call it a housewarming party. Named parties are associated with, as you accurately describe the current attitude, gift-grabbing.
No special format will be required. As your motivation for moving was your love of entertaining, Miss Manners will trust you to figure out arrangements that will best please both you and your guests.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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