It’s pretty much the only subject definitely safe to discuss in today’s divided society. If you were on the television show The Traitors, would you want to be a Traitor or a Faithful?
But it’s one thing to give an answer from the security of your sofa, and another to live the experience for real, as Alan Carr has just brilliantly demonstrated on the BBC series in glorious technicolour.
Host Claudia Winkleman was shocked by the warm, silly comic’s unexpected answer when he told her he wanted to be a Traitor.
“Oh, Alan!” she gasped. She asked him if he would really be okay with stabbing his fellow contestants in the back. “They’d do it to me, they’re showbiz people!” he laughed.
All our lives we are told we have to be good. Good little boys and girls when we’re children, well-behaved, honest and polite. Good morally and ethically as adults. So of course being a Traitor is the right decision, if you’re ever in the position to make it, because this is the most delicious element of the addictive programme. It bestows on some players the true gift of being allowed to be a baddie for once.
It would be inaccurate to say Carr took that chance and ran with it – rather, he took it, stumbled, shrieked, nearly dropped it, but somehow emerged victorious anyway. His journey throughout the series was wonderfully relatable, because he was… okay, not all, but surely most of us.
He pushed himself out of his comfort zone and announced he was up for the challenge, then instantly regretted it. “Oh God, I feel sick,” he confessed in the diary room, before revealing that he was a sort of anti-Andrew. Unlike the disgraced former prince, who insisted he was incapable of sweating, Carr was incapable of stopping. Wet-faced and wild-eyed, he may as well have been carrying a flashing neon sign that said I AM A TRAITOR around the castle with him.
“I thought I wanted to be a Traitor, but I have a sweating problem, and I can’t keep a secret… What am I going to do?” he wailed.
It seemed certain that he would be unmasked immediately if not sooner, especially as his stage whispers to fellow Traitors were louder than most people’s shouts.
But then things took a truly joyous turn, as he became drunk with power. And who could blame him? He was gleeful, delighted, euphoric. That he never let co-Traitors Jonathan Ross or Cat Burns write the victims’ names on the letters informing them of their fate – he always did it – says it all. He revelled in his dastardly doing, was high on his own wicked supply, was totally overexcited. And how could he not be? He was getting away with murder, over and over again.
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His reign of giddy, giggly terror continued right up until the second before Claudia asked him, at that final ceremony, to reveal whether he was a Faithful or a Traitor. A look of sheer panic flashed across his face. He came back to earth with a bump: oh look, it’s the consequences of my actions, whoopsie. The sudden realisation that perhaps people – his fellow players, the public – were going to be cross with him, not like him, was palpable. And so he adopted the tactic that many who are cornered without a leg to stand on have resorted to. He burst into tears.
“It’s been tearing me apart!” he sobbed, which was completely true, in opposite land. Back in the real world, he had been cackling and clearly loving every second, but hey, hopefully Faithfuls Nick Mohammed and David Olusoga, who comforted him so kindly, will just never watch the show back or something, eh?
Carr taking the Celebrity Traitors crown is the ending we needed, the only time a nation has rooted for evil to triumph over good. This genuinely wasn’t about the winning, but the taking part. Carr played for all of us, like all of us – an accidentally Machiavellian Everyman hero, blundering about, being thrilled, overwhelmed, messy and mischievous. He pulled off a perfectly imperfect game. He was, and always has been, one hundred per cent human.
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