Approaching her 70th birthday, Gail Rice felt such dread about ageing, and her milestone birthday, that she knew she needed to do something scary and exciting to jump start her battery. She thought about parachuting out of a plane, but then a different idea popped into her head: hiring a sex worker.
She doesn’t know where the idea came from exactly, although a couple of years earlier she’d seen the film Good Luck, Leo Grande, in which Emma Thompson plays a retired school teacher who, in search of post-marital sexual awakening, hires an escort.
Rice, a psychologist living in Sydney, Australia – where sex work has been decriminalised since 1995 – says she’s never been very open about sex, but she told a friend about her idea. He suggested they google some escorts online. “We looked at a few men, had some laughs, my friend went home, and then I kept looking that night and found Mitch.
“His website wasn’t full of cliché naked pictures and abs, which was a relief, and he was in his late 40s. I emailed him and said, ‘I’m scared of turning 70, and I want an orgasm and erotic massage for my birthday.’ He wrote back and offered a phone call to talk more about what I wanted, and he came across as a really nice guy. He seemed to know I was anxious, and was attentive and reassuring when we had our chat. So I booked him.” Mitch offered a minimum of three hours, at A$1,750 (£862), and Rice paid upfront.
The trouble with older men
There was something about a younger man – but not too young – that intrigued Rice, because she had been using dating apps on and off for 10 years until she quit them at 65, feeling depressed about the encounters she was having on there. “No matter what age we are it seems like older men are looking for younger women. When I was on the apps at 59, the men were often 80, and certainly in their 70s, and that felt like a big difference.”
It wasn’t only the age difference that Rice found off-putting, it was the conversation topics, too. “They were usually talking about their dead wives, or their hip replacements, or golf. Golf was a big thing. And they talked about themselves only, no questions about me. I said to my friends jokingly, ‘I’ve got three requirements: they’ve got to be able to walk around the block, pay for their own drink, and they’ve got to be able to ask me a question – any question.’ A very low bar. I got tired of it all, and I’d made some poor choices too in those 10 years, so I stopped using the apps.”
Part of the issue was that Rice wasn’t looking for a live-in partner. “All my life, I was determined never to get married, never to have children, and I have always been a very independent soul. When I was on the apps, I was looking for a companion that I could travel with, he could live on his own, I could live in my place. The love, the emotion, the connection – without the domestics. That was hard to find.”
Although she’s lived a very happy, full life without a long-term partner, she is aware – especially as a psychologist – of the importance of touch. Rice lacked this. She also felt strange and removed from her 70-year-old body, and was keen to feel empowered, instead of “saggy” and “self-conscious about my physicality”. Rice hoped that three hours with Mitch would help with this.
The big night arrives
Rice’s 70th birthday arrived, and with it, the big evening. She went to meet Mitch in a hotel she’d booked – one she’d always wanted to stay in – lovely decor, and a great view. She ordered a bottle of champagne.
When he arrived, he was relaxed and attractive, as he’d been in his photos, and they sat down in the hotel chairs. Rice went into what she describes as “nervous, interview-mode”, asking him questions about his life for an hour, suddenly aware that she’d essentially spent 500 dollars on talking to him as if he was one of her clients. Not a good start.
Then, things got awkward. Mitch told Rice that while younger women usually wanted “hot sex”, women of her age tended to want a “a boyfriend experience” of snuggling and kissing. Rice said, as per her initial email, she didn’t want any of that, she wanted an orgasm and an erotic massage.
Gail Rice’s inspiration – Emma Thompson and Daryl McCormack in Good Luck to You, Leo Grande. (Nick Wall/Searchlight Pictures/AP)In reality, though, Rice got neither of those things. “I got a really fumbling teenage-like experience in bed,” she says. “He put his head on my shoulder, he rubbed my tummy.” Rice found it excruciating, and then found herself nodding off, from sheer boredom. She woke up feeling shame. “It felt like a demeaning sexual experience, as if because I was 70, he didn’t feel he could try to make it sensual or erotic at all. It made me feel even stranger in my body as an older person, and it hit hard.”
Rice realised that to regain some confidence, she needed to ask for a refund. Although she didn’t really think she’d get one, Mitch gave it to her. “He was a nice guy, but I emailed him saying that I asked for an erotic massage, but no part of that night felt erotic, or sexual even. In telling him this, I found the voice I wish I’d had at 30 years old, just telling someone that this isn’t what I want, this isn’t the connection I was seeking, being less worried about hurting someone’s feelings.”
The hunt for a new escort
Rice assumed her foray into the world of sex workers was over, but then she wrote about her experience in Oldster, a newsletter that explores the experience of ageing. “I had women saying I’d done a courageous thing, and telling me about their experiences of sexuality, but then I had men saying ‘forget it, you’re menopausal, why do you even think any man would want to have sex with you? Get a dog!’ That sparked my anger.
“The other thing that made me try again was a woman in her 60s emailing me to say she’d seen a particular escort six times, and that he was great. So I had a name!”
Chris, the new escort, promised ‘satisfaction or your money back’, so Rice got in touch with him. But she was more worried this time. “Because it went badly last time, if this also went badly, it would have fed into my narrative of being unworthy, unattractive. The stakes felt higher.” This time, when they met in the hotel room, Rice didn’t ask him lots of questions, and she instead let him lead the way, while also telling him what she wanted.
“It was exciting to realise I could hand over control, and still feel empowered. He gave me two orgasms, and we had a lovely night, and I felt very satisfied. No refund needed. When it was over, there was also none of the fuss you get in dating about whether we’d see each other again, or whether he’d call me, and I slept very well.”
A exciting future of sensuality
If a sex worker was Rice’s 70th birthday present to herself, what does 72 have in store? “I won’t see Chris again, because he’s not a date, and that would make it too complicated. I’ve signed up to three sessions of tantric massage with a woman, which I feel quite nervous about because it will force me to be vulnerable, and it’s a new experience. I just think that if I’m going to live another 20 years and not have a sexual relationship, I’ve got to think of ways to get the touch and sensuality humans need. This could be a way in.”
For someone who is being so open about orgasms at the age of 70, it’s surprising to hear that Rice has been quite private about her sex life, but she feels now, at this age, that it’s important to make women – and men, too – know that they’re not alone in feeling desexualised by society as they get older. That they deserve to feel confident and happy in their bodies.
“The unexpected thing that came out of all of this is that I thought I’d get out of a sex drought, that I’d get a battery jump to my sex life, which I did – but I also found my voice. I feel empowered not only from the escort experience, but from being able to talk about the shameful, difficult parts of ageing, and start a conversation about how sensuality and desire aren’t only for the young.”
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