“We need to rebrand vulnerability and emotion. A vulnerable man is not some weird anomaly. He is open to being hurt, but also open to love.” Turner Prize-winning artist Sir Grayson Perry’s thoughts on contemporary masculinity may resonate with many readers – but they stand in sharp contrast to a culture where more “traditional” male qualities (dominance, stoicism and self-reliance) are staging a concerning comeback, aided by online voices such as Andrew Tate and far-right politicians. While such ideas may seem harmless to some, many professionals argue that such traits act as a barrier to emotional wellbeing. Social pressure to conform to such archetypes can have devastating consequences, with an unwillingness to open up about struggles contributing to poor mental health – and worse.
In the UK, suicide remains the leading cause of death for men aged 50 and under, a sobering fact that constitutes a pressing public health issue. Put simply, men’s reluctance to talk about their feelings is killing them.
The problem is, encouraging men and boys to talk about how they feel isn’t always easy. No one knows this more than Dr Duncan Precious, a consultant clinical psychologist and trauma specialist who has spent many years thinking about the emotional lives of men. Having spent 10 years as a military clinical psychologist in the British and Australian Armies, he now splits his time between his private consultancy and practice, Precious Life Therapy, and as therapeutic lead for Growing Well, an inclusive mental health charity that provide a holistic, community-based mental health service in Cumbria. Here, he shares his tips on how to encourage the men in your life to open up about how they are feeling…
Start gently
“If you are trying to encourage someone you care about to share what’s on their mind, start gently. Be clear in expressing how you are feeling and what you need. For example, ‘I am feeling lonely and distant from you and would love to hear and understand what’s going on for you’. Start with the feeling (express the softer emotion) – and then communicate your needs. This way it won’t sound like a criticism and will come across in a kind and positive way. They are much more likely to attune and be moved when you express softer (vulnerable) emotions such as sadness, loneliness or disconnection. Try to use ‘I’ statements and avoid criticism or over-generalising statements such as ‘You never talk to me anymore – it’s so frustrating.’”
Dr Duncan Precious is a consultant clinical psychologist and trauma specialistPick the right time and place
“Men typically open up more when they feel less inhibited or pressured; it’s a bit of a cliche but you will often see this after a couple of pints down the pub. We can also achieve the same effect by going for a walk and talking, or while moving or doing some kind of physical activity – initiating conversation after exercise when we’re feeling a natural high is also a good time. Picking the right time can help your discussion flow more naturally and feel less intense and pressured.”
Try and remain calm and regulated
“To share what’s on our mind, we need to feel psychologically safe. That means the speaker trusts that you as a listener are not going to emotionally react, get angry on their behalf, take on their problems or change how they feel. They need to trust that you can contain and tolerate how they are feeling, to have their back (but not by adding more stress) and offer a safe haven. It is important to remember that when you see your loved one worried, in pain or upset, you may have a strong urge to try to help them. You may also start to feel anxious and stressed yourself.
“Try to regulate and soothe your own central nervous system and stay calm. Remember to breathe. You don’t have any responsibility for having to change or fix how they are feeling. All you need to do is be there, hear and see them and show that you care.”
Remove the pressure of trying to change how they feel
“A common barrier to us men (and women) talking about how we are feeling is the perception that we need to be strong, not cause a fuss, just ‘get on with things’, but also not burden our loved ones. As the listener, a way to overcome the perception that the man in your life is burdening you is by removing the pressure off yourself to fix, solve or change the way they are feeling.
“By unburdening yourself from this, you will feel lighter, and these conversations will be more positive for both of you. Whatever they are thinking or feeling is their responsibility and their thoughts and feelings are valid. They are also temporary and will pass. More often than not, when sharing a problem or expressing how we feel, we do not actually need anyone to fix or change it. Talking about it can just help create the space we need to gain some perspective, or uncover hidden resources that can help us to tackle whatever struggle we are facing.”
Learn to listen properly – which means don’t try to fix everything (Photo: Catherine Falls/Getty)Listen without rushing to fix
“It is not just about the man or teenager in your life opening up or talking about what’s on their mind; as the listener, you have an important responsibility to actively listen. This means to listen with the intent to understand, to see things newly and to resist the temptation to jump in with suggestions or try to problem-solve. Be curious, listen for longer than you might normally and try not to interrupt. Ask open ended questions. Try to summarise back what they have said using their words and share the parts that resonate with you. Be careful not to dismiss or invalidate how they are feeling by jumping to reassure them or attempting to problem-solve. Similarly, avoid telling them ‘not to worry’, to just ‘be positive’ or to ‘snap out of it’ – this will shut them down immediately.”
Agree to share problems of an emotional nature
“Typically, emotional coping styles can be categorised as emotion-expressing or emotion-dismissing. Our emotional coping style is shaped by the emotional culture we are brought up in. Men can often be socialised to develop an emotion-dismissing coping style that is focused on action. Here, we dismiss the emotion and jump straight to the ‘what am I going to do about it’ phase. While there are many benefits to this kind of response, it can be problematic when faced with a situation that is causing genuine emotional distress or pain, as there is insufficient time or space to process and understand how we are feeling or what we need.
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“The key is being able to choose to express our emotions when we need to. Try to make an agreement with the man in your life that if you or they have a problem of an emotional nature, you will share these and give and receive emotional support to each other. Our meta emotions can also get in the way here, however. Meta emotions are our beliefs about emotions, for example, that expressing emotion can be unhelpful, destructive or damaging even. This is a very black-and-white belief that does not reflect the nuances and complexities of our lives.
Try challenging this belief with a helpful reframe such as, ‘This may be true sometimes, but if we choose the right problem, person, time and space it can be helpful.’”
Talk at the dinner table – enquire about their day, show them you care and that you want to know (Photo: Klaus Vedfelt/Getty/Digital Vision)Make it a ritual
“Make having regular stress-reducing conversations an important ritual. This could be sharing what has happened in your day upon returning home from work. It could involve sharing the highs and lows of the day as part of a family dinner – this works particularly well with young children and teenagers. It could be part of a night-time routine when you get into bed with your partner, or when you say goodnight to your teenage son. Enquire about their day, show them you care and that you want to know. The more you do it, the easier it will become.”
Make it worth it
“Sharing our inner world – our joy, hopes, worries, feelings, desires and needs – can help people feel closer and lead to more emotional connection in our relationships, particularly intimate relationships. But this requires a level of disclosure and exposure which can feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. For the man in your life to be willing to step out of their comfort zone and be vulnerable, they need to see this has tangible benefits. So, if the man in your life does share their inner world, and it makes you feel closer to them, show them how important this is to you. Share fondness and appreciation, say thank you, be affectionate and intimate, in whatever way you know they will appreciate.”
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