There are, of course, an endless number of situations out there that result in a strained relationship between parents and their adult children. Dr. Sage, who has four adult children of her own (and over 590k followers on TikTok), names a handful of reasons why you might be feeling tension in your own family.
Unresolved pain and trauma from childhood, along with a lack of repair and acknowledgment from the parent.A lack of parental self-awareness and evolution into themselves, and engaging in new roles as "adult-to-adult" as opposed to “adult-to-child”Unrealistic expectations, demands to be seen as "the parent" without acknowledging the adult child and a lack of respect. Know that "just because you are the parent” doesn't entitle you to violate boundaries, speak disrespectfully, etc.Emotionally immature parents, parents with untreated trauma, parents who struggle with untreated Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), etc.Poor communication: too much advice, judgment, lack of empathy, "I know better”-ismsBoundary violationsRefusal to accept a child for who they are as a person, partner and parent (for example, if a child or grandchild is part of the LGBTQ+ community and isn’t accepted, how your child parents their own kids, if you’re not making efforts to accept their lifestyle, beliefs, partner, job, etc.)Generational differences, cultural differences and refusing to see it from your adult child's perspective, being unwilling to evolve and changeMental illness, substance abuse Using money, help and/or care to control children who need help so you can maintain control or power in the relationship, make demands, etc.The Biggest Obstacle To Repairing a Parent/Adult-Child Relationship
So, now that you know why certain things can affect relationships with children in adulthood, you might also want to know how to overcome these obstacles. In addition to professional help with therapy, Dr. Sage says one of the first things is just acknowledging that you need to be “open and willing to evolve from ‘being parents of children’ to ‘becoming parents of adult children.’” As she mentioned before, not as many people really talk about what it’s like to have a child grow up, and how to navigate through that part of their (and your) life. However, that doesn’t mean that your kids don’t need you at all.“Most of the time, they still need us and can benefit from what we have to offer,” Dr. Sage points out. “But in order for it to work, both adult child and parent have to separate a bit from the roles we once shared. We both have to evolve into something new.”To do this, you need to understand four key things:
2. Validate your child’s experiences
On a similar note, validating your kid’s experience in their youth, including the emotions they carry with it, is important to creating a good connection with them as you both get older. “It's important to honor and validate their unique experiences of childhood (not just the version we remember or the version we longed for it to be),” Dr. Sage shares. “This means validating their thoughts and feelings when they share them with us, even when it hurts or triggers our sense of failure or trauma.” Nobody’s perfect, as Hannah Montana once said. So stop trying to pretend your parent was. “They don't need us to be perfect, they need us to listen, be open to making repairs, take responsibility and respect their requests for a new version of connection,” she explains.Related: Why Apologizing to Your Kids Is Important—Plus, Therapists Explain How To Do It Effectively
4. Validate and feel your own emotions (sometimes away from your kids)
Part of this process of fixing a strained relationship is also honoring your own emotions. Just like the fact that you’re not perfect, you’re not a robot either.“If you're a parent, give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel and find someone safe to talk to about it,” Dr. Sage says. “It doesn't necessarily have to be a conversation you have with your kids.” For example, Dr. Sage—who, again, has four adult kids—spoke to her own therapist about “teenage” battles she was having with her children. Turns out, they were attempts by her kids to “separate from” her, “not attempts to hurt [her] intentionally.” “When I saw it from a developmental perspective, it was less painful,” Dr. Sage explains. “You're allowed to be upset, disappointed, hurt, etc., too, as a parent, but working this out with safe, trusted friends, therapists, is much healthier before you try to express what you are feeling with your child.” While it can be a hard trap to avoid, she reminds us that kids are not your therapists, even as they hit adulthood. So while it’s important to work through what you’re feeling, it doesn’t always involve your child, especially if you’re still figuring out what it all means. “Even when you are extremely close to your adult child, remember that no matter how mature they are, to a point, you are and always will be their parent and someone they look to be a safe harbor,” she explains. Related: 7 Signs You Have a Codependent Relationship With Your Mother, According to a Psychologist
How Can a Parent Start Repairing Their Relationship With Their Child?
Related: The #1 Thing Baby Boomers Bring Up in Therapy, According to Licensed Therapists
So what compromises can and should be made? Dr. Sage shares that issues such as these should have compromises that “need to be respected and agreed upon.”
How often you talk to your kidsHow long and when they visitHow you "grandparent" (generally!)Compromises should not be made about:
Even though concessions need to be made in relationships, there are certain instances where there are no compromises to be made. It’s just a complete “yes or no,” “do or do not” situation. “Lack of respect, boundary violations, name-calling, gaslighting, abuse, control, etc., are not issues in which we should compromise as adult children,” she says. Other situations that your child should not compromise on:
If you (the parent) continually disrespect or violate requests and/or boundaries.Your relationship or a situation is making your child deeply stressed, sick and increasing their mental health symptoms.Problems on your end have been going on for years, and nothing has changed.If name-calling, abuse, harassment, accusations and emotionally/physically abusive behaviors don’t stop.If you continually disregard who they are and/or refuse to accept them.It's a conditional relationship, a controlling relationship that includes things like gaslighting, narcissistic and toxic traits.Ultimately, Healing a Relationship With Your Adult Child *Is* Possible
Even though it can feel impossible and like there are so many things you need to do in order to fix your relationship with your adult child, just know that it is possible. And it’s so worth it in the long run. The final sentiment that Dr. Sage shares with us is a quote that she’s “tried to hold inside [her] heart” since all four of her own kids are grown. It’s from the poem “On Children” by Kahlil Gibran, a Lebanese-American writer, poet and visual artist. It says: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."Remember that as a parent, you might have birthed and raised your kids, but they are their own people and will grow into their own identities. But that doesn’t mean you don’t still have duties as a parent. “At the end of the day, just like us, our adult children want to be seen, loved and accepted for exactly who they are,” Dr. Sage says. “Not who you want them to be.”Up Next:
Related: 8 Habits To Start With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
Source:
Kim Sage, PsyD, MA, is a licensed clinical psychologist in California and has a large social media following. Through her TikTok (590k followers), Instagram (77.5k followers) and YouTube (317k subscribers), Dr. Sage makes content about parents with emotional immaturity, narcissistic and borderline personality disorders, autism in women and more. She also has four courses (one is free) available that revolve around identifying your childhood trauma and learning how to heal from it.Hence then, the article about the biggest obstacle to repairing a parent and adult child relationship psychologist says was published today ( ) and is available on Parade ( Saudi Arabia ) The editorial team at PressBee has edited and verified it, and it may have been modified, fully republished, or quoted. You can read and follow the updates of this news or article from its original source.
Read More Details
Finally We wish PressBee provided you with enough information of ( The Biggest Obstacle To Repairing a Parent and Adult-Child Relationship, Psychologist Says )
Also on site :
- GCE Global Solutions Corp. Announces Strategic Acquisition of GCE Payroll Advisers Inc. to Strengthen Global EOR and Payroll Platform
- Trump Wants To”Unleash Hell” In 2026; POTUS Tries To Go Full Maximus With A Misguided ‘Gladiator’ Flex
- Parents of Campbell Hall student killed in the school’s parking lot file wrongful death suit