When Maggie Hansen and a group of 11 of her friends made the trip to San Diego for her bachelorette party last year, she and her maid of honor tried to be as transparent as possible about the costs the 12 attendees would incur. Some could be anticipated, like airfare and a wine tasting excursion, but there were also unpredictable expenses like Ubers, bar tabs, and more.
While the financial costs of the getaway were inevitable, Hansen wanted to avoid adding emotional ones: In particular, the feelings of resentment, guilt, or disappointment that often arise with group trips. Since incomes and spending habits vary within a friend group, those feelings can multiply and fester. One friend may not drink alcohol or eat meat. That can easily cause problems if they are expected to split cocktail- and steak-heavy tabs with their friends who do. Another may make significantly less than others in the group but feel uncomfortable admitting to that fact.
Hansen’s dilemma will be familiar to plenty of 20- and 30-somethings who have attended increasingly expensive weekend trips with friends, destination weddings, or even concerts. Nearly 40% of Gen Z and millennials say they have a friend who drives them to overspend, according to data from Credit Karma, and while dining out and birthday celebrations often lead to profligate spending, weddings and bachelor and bachelorette parties are particular pain points. Some 56% of members of these generations feel they must attend these events even if it will put a financial strain on them, a separate Credit Karma survey finds. As a result, 38% say they have taken on debt.
Hansen, 31, took pains to avoid these outcomes. She began by asking for her friends’ preferences via Google survey before anything was booked, and planning around the budgets of friends who are educators as much as those who work in more lucrative careers like sales. The group also used apps like Splitwise and Tab to keep track of what everyone spent (with Splitwise, friends can split dinner tabs however they want, and tax and tip are automatically recalculated). That way, friends who weren’t partaking in drinks at dinner weren’t obligated to split the cost while not imbibing, and there was no awkward dance of who’s-paying-this-time, especially as some of the attendees were just meeting for the first time on the trip. It allowed each person to keep to their own budget.
For less well off friends, Hansen was able to use credit card points to help pay for their flights. Her maid of honor worked out payment plans with friends who wanted to attend but couldn’t front the total cost at one time. Hansen acknowledges she was lucky to be able to do this and that it wasn’t a financial strain on her maid of honor; it only works if everyone is honest about what they can take on.
“I tried to make it where it’s no pressure,” she says. “If you need assistance, this is my wedding, and I want you part of it. And I can opt into helping.”
The etiquette of shared-expense trips
Before big events or weekend trips, discussing spending expectations upfront is a must, says Thomas P. Farley, a keynote speaker and etiquette expert also known as Mister Manners.
“There should be no surprises financially,” Farley says. “While this may seem overly pragmatic, it can help avoid misunderstandings, hurt feelings and bruised credit cards after the fact.”
If you are asking people to come on the trip, consider if there are any expenses you can fully cover, like an exclusive dinner or excursion, and make it known from the jump that you will be paying for it. That could help cut the tension: According to the Credit Karma survey, 48% of millennials and Gen Z respondents believe the bride or groom should cover at least some of the costs of a bachelor or bachelorette trip, like travel and lodging; 32% think the bride or groom should cover all of their costs.
Also keep in mind that guests may need to take days off work to attend or miss out on other events in their life. Try to create a space where friends feel safe discussing their financial expectations; money can cause anxiety and other heightened emotions, and you want to be sure everyone is having a good time without worrying about the state of their bank account.
“Being open and honest about where you stand financially can help you and your friends better understand each other’s relationship with money,” says Jack Howard, head of money wellness at Ally Financial.
How to opt out
That said, the person planning the trip can only do so much. Farley says those with limited funds or different financial priorities need to “be brave enough to opt out.” Relatedly, skip parts of the itinerary that don’t fit into your budget as needed. Yes it might feel uncomfortable or awkward, but friends will understand your limitations.
“No friend should lose sleep over how they are going to climb out of the debt they incurred during a destination bachelorette party, ski weekend, or even an expensive dinner,” he says. “If it’s not within your budget, better to share that candidly.”
Jamila Musayeva, a certified etiquette coach from the International Etiquette and Protocol Academy of London, says to approach the conversation around collective comfort, rather than singling out any one person in the group. That helps open the door to honest dialogue.
“The most graceful way to approach it is with clarity and kindness,” says Musyeva. “You might say, ‘I’d love to join, and I want to make sure we’re all aligned on budget expectations before we book anything, should we set a spending range so everyone feels comfortable?'”
If someone proposes an expensive activity you can’t work into your budget, it’s okay to push back, but tone is everything in these situations, she says. You want to be warm, casual, and proactive.
“A polite yet firm way to respond would be, ‘That sounds amazing! It might be a bit outside my current budget, would anyone be open to a more low-key option?'” she says. “You can also offer alternatives to show you’re still enthusiastic about participating, just within your means.”
In fact, if you are the friend with the limited budget, then you should aim to be involved in the planning process, says Zina Kumok, financial advisor and personal finance expert. That way you can have some control over the cost.
“It’s not fair to have your friends plan everything and then for you to complain that you can’t afford it, you have to get involved,” Kumok says. “If you don’t have time to plan, then you need to give your friends your total budget and ask if they can stick to that.”
Check in with yourself
In situations where there are large discrepancies between who orders what at a restaurant, or when one friend is routinely stuck paying more than his or her fair share, Andrea Woroch, a personal finance and budgeting expert, says it’s acceptable to request separate checks. This can help “to avoid the awkward moment when you’re trying to itemize the bill,” Woroch says. Just inform your server at the outset of the meal.
Otherwise, have a discussion before your group goes out on how to split the bill. Regardless, ensure someone in the group either takes a photo of all of the receipts, or keeps the physical copies in one place.
Erika Rasure, chief financial wellness advisor at Beyond Finance, a financial services company, suggests setting aside 15 minutes after you receive the invite to review your budget and see how much you can feasibly (or want to) spend. If you are worried that you will blow your budget in the moment—which can be easy to do in the midst of a good time with friends—she suggests loading your budget onto a prepaid debit card before the trip.
“That way you can swipe without worrying about going over or touching your credit card,” Rasure says. “It’s a really simple tool that helps keep you on track.”
This story was originally featured on Fortune.com
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