Dear Eric: I have been with my boyfriend for 14 years. We live about 15 minutes’ drive apart.
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I haven’t met his son or any friends/family members, though he knows mine.
My boyfriend says he had an abusive dad, and he doesn’t much like his two siblings or their families. He only has one real friend but won’t introduce us.
I asked him why once and he said he “likes his privacy.” I put it down to his idiosyncrasies but still find it odd.
We have always talked for hours on a nightly basis. Previously, he has gone quiet for a week or two at times. But now, although we haven’t had a falling-out, I haven’t seen him in eight months.
I miss him and told him that, but nothing changed, we kept talking. Now I feel like I am wasting my time on someone I love, who clearly doesn’t feel the same way.
I am not good at letting go, so please, what is your suggestion here? I don’t want a phone-only connection.
– Short-Distance Love
Dear Love: Something’s gotta give. If he’s happy to talk for hours every night, then he can and should spend 15 minutes of one of those hours to make the trek to your house for an in-person talk.
Ask for that. If he can’t or won’t do it, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but it may mean that he’s not in a position to be who you need right now.
That said, multiple things can be true here. Your boyfriend has communicated – perhaps not entirely effectively – his boundaries and the traumas from which they stem. Sometimes when boundaries are communicated, they can sound like rejections even if they’re not.
It’s concerning that, after 14 years, you haven’t met his son or his sole friend. There are some indicators that he’s dealing with heavy stuff – the past abuse, going quiet for a time.
He may be happiest letting the relationship he has with you flourish away from other, more complicated relationships. But he’s not doing a great job integrating his coping mechanisms into his love life.
That can be hard, but it’s not insurmountable. A loving relationship needs care, empathy, compromise and understanding in order to survive. So, if you’re not getting that, or not getting it in the way you want, it may be healthiest for you to choose separation.
Dear Eric: A relatively new friend has invited me to a third dinner at her home, and I do not want to attend.
Her first two meals were simply not well-prepared and not good.
One meal included fish that had an unappetizing odor as she fried it and also had an unpleasant “off” taste when I tried to eat it. She also served barely warm, bland mashed potatoes and overcooked, unseasoned vegetables. No butter or sauces for anything.
When I helped her clean up after the meal, I placed the leftover fish into the refrigerator. I could tell the interior was not very cold. Perhaps the fish had been sitting in the refrigerator uncooked for too long a time and was beginning to spoil.
The second meal at her home consisted of hummus that had been sitting out uncovered so long it had started to develop a crust. There were crackers and plain, overcooked broccoli to eat with the hummus.
I ate only a small amount at each meal, telling her I was not very hungry.
Since I have decided not to eat another meal that she has cooked, I do not know how to tell her I am not interested in a third invitation to dinner.
She has asked me to pick a date when I can come. Other than her cooking, she makes a good friend. How can I bow out gracefully from attending her home for meals?
– Lost My Appetite
Dear Appetite: You’ve painted quite a vivid picture. After reading this letter, I’m not hungry either. I can see why you don’t want to go back.
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I do hate being avoidant, but in this case the most palatable path may be to ask for another activity other than dinner. Perhaps, it’s a movie or an outing instead. You could even reverse the invitation and have her over.
If you emphasize that you’re very interested in spending time together, but you’d rather eat at home, you honor her intention without having to make an unsavory compromise.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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